Young Writers Society

Hiiii! I'm back earlier than I said I'd be because I reversed the order of novels when I re-entered my novel links so this will prob be the fastest turn around you'll get xD My computer had to get wiped for school so all my bookmarks got wiped and I had to reset everything back up, so yeah xD Nevertheless, excited to read on <3

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

“Can we stop by the store?” she asked, and the car pulled neatly into a parking spot off the square.

It matched her lipstick.

Her head rang with echoes of freak and she’s one of those other ones—the first hurled by teenagers, the second whispered by little old ladies in the pew behind her at church.

Justin must have tried to clean them up.

Her eyes closed for a moment, and then it was dark, and the apartment was silent.

Mother Superior had the car up and running again in five minutes flat. She rattled off a nonsense diagnosis to Scott, but whatever the problem had been, she’d fixed it.

Scott floored it all the way from the square to Tansy Lane Apartments. It was maybe two miles, but on the curving roads of Gramarye, it felt like they were flying. The car ran so smoothly on the new roads, air singing through the windows as it cruised at high altitude. The only thing missing was the thumping bass of the beat—Zelda reached for her phone and Scott’s aux cord, but they were already home, and the car was in park.

Spoiler! :

Scott raised an eyebrow. “Your dad has family?”

Zelda made a face. She climbed over her disorganized heap of boxes and collapsed in the bed. She would question her aunt when the sun came up.

Two reviews in a day? Well I was curious.

So there's the mystery about her aunt and why Zelda was away. I still stand by my earlier statement that the threads need to be laid a little neater, and my comment about picking up the aunt from the airport was wrong.

Nerissa.

Actually, Justin.

Justin Justin Justin.

When it comes to character introductions, I feel that starting off angry is the weakest. Because I've read the LMS thread I know he is angry that Nerissa has shown up. I know he is angry at his fairy life coming back to the surface. But a new reader wouldn't know that, and I feel that starting angry is such a tar pit of places to trip, it's a weak emotion to start with.

Mostly because anger without context feels like drama. I know there is context and I know that this is another carefully laid thread in a foreshadowed plot, but I feel like there needs to be a black background before the gold laid over top can actually sparkle.

Right now, the canvas is too white to handle a new character introduced with anger. Zelda's got some colour to her from scene one, so her anger and confusion and hurt is easy to understand and sympathize with. But Justin is a blank piece of cloth, and gold thread is added over white, and it hardly shows up because... what else is there to him, to hook that gold onto?

He's a curious man, and I think more of his curiosities need to show up for his anger to truly sparkle as something odd. Because the way Zelda's describing it, his anger is odd... but we don't know that.

The exchange itself is lovely. Everything is a chess piece moved, intentionally set. More curiosities, more things established. Again, I don't think you have introduced too many concepts here— everything makes perfect sense.

But the pieces with Justin only make perfect sense to me because I know what's going on behind the scenes. This scene will be best should the opening (aka, the previous chapter) introduce him as he normally is: happy, bumbling, caring. Once you've laid those little flecks of who he is, then this stark difference will be a warning, will be a hook, and it will drag us through.

Now, I have the advantage of already having those bits of colour, so I am dying to know what happens next. The scene itself is well done. Lovely descriptions, lovely introductions. Everything's a little stark, but for such a high-emotions scene that's to be expected (especially in a first draft).

Just add a touch more of the normal to this first chapter, and this scene will stand out. It's gone a tad too much in the deep end for me.

Hope this helps. You know where to find me.

~Rosey

Seriously though, I just want to mention that

The living room of apartment 108 opened its arms to welcome her in its sweet floral embrace. For about two seconds, she enjoyed the mingling smell of roses and lilies, perfumes distilling on the windowsill, oils curing on the counter. The scent of rain on the earth clung to everything, soft and a little musty, like a warm old attic being used for a sleepover. It was pillow forts; it was staying up late with bedtime stories on beautifully-painted board books; it was everything good about childhood and innocence.

Welp, apparently nobody is online right now so I might as well review this too

Nit-picks:

Mother Superior had the car up and running again in five minutes flat. She rattled off a nonsense diagnosis to Scott, but whatever the problem had been, she’d fixed it.

elbowing past eager tourists who wanted to see Justin’s best arrangements only to leave whistling a tune full of disappointment

That was all the upperclassman English teacher had assigned

It was exactly the kind of car that a calm and composed city woman would drive.

Justin normally wouldn’t be home this close to a flower festival.

Zelda’s laughter stopped dead. Her head rang with echoes of freak and she’s one of those other ones—the first hurled by teenagers, the second whispered by little old ladies in the pew behind her at church.

“Your dad has a sister?” He turned it from an honest question into a joke.

Heyo, I'm back with a quick review before D&D!

. She leaned back in the soft leather seat and watched the shadows tick across the ground and the sun across the sky,

Zelda ran inside, elbowing past eager tourists who wanted to see Justin’s best arrangements only to leave whistling a tune full of disappointment.

Zelda had been there for too many sleepless nights over analytical essays to believe the lie.

She banished the thoughts and rapped out a short rhythm on the door.

Then she saw her dad’s face. Jaw tense, fingers twisted together, legs crossed like some kind of movie villain.

Her smooth, composed face[...]

“I can sleep on your couch. Your…daughter doesn’t want me intruding. What child would?”

BACK FOR MORE, AW YEAH. I meant to get to this earlier/yesterday, but I had a splitting headache the whole way home.

ANYWAY YOU LITERAL GODDESS WOW. Here's my favorite line first of all.

She leaned back in the soft leather seat and watched the shadows tick across the ground and the sun across the sky, a giant makeshift clock put together with the ingredients of trees and light and time.

He didn’t like her being around mushrooms. Family allergies or something.