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Melt - 1.4 - Falling Girls

by Vervain

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Tue Feb 14, 2017 1:23 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

Sorry that I haven't tackled Melt in a little while, but I'm here now to review this chapter part, and hopefully the next as well. We're introduced with this new character, Gideon, and from the other review I soon figured out that this isn't in chronological order, as well as the context clues left in the chapter. I actually don't mind that this chapter is a flashback all that much, but it does feel a little out of place here and kind of disrupts the flow of the rest of the story.

I'm thinking that this could be a prequel, or at least something placed more smoothly into the story. We see that in this chapter it's kind of the origin story of Lilli, or at least, we meet her before she meets Cate, and I hope we kind of get to see more of Cate's character alone as well. The character of Gideon felt a little bit awkward to me and I wasn't really a fan of him, but I'm pretty sure we won't see him in anywhere else in the book since he doesn't seem to have the role of an important character. In this chapter, we also find out, or at least, we kind of learn that Cate is only 35 and she would have been 19 when she had Lilli, which is something that's interesting.

This far into the novel, I think this had to the weakest chapter just because the others are so strong and while this could be the opening to your novel in a second or third draft, I think it should stay where it is for now. I suggest playing around with the order for this because I can see this being the first chapter but I also have the thought or idea that I already like the first chapter quite a bit as it is. I didn't dislike the chapter, but I kind of missed the feel or tone that filled the rest of the novel with Cate being in it, but obviously Cate can't be in this chapter.

I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! <3

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541 Reviews

Points: 370
Reviews: 541

Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:25 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...

Lareine! <3

So, why isn't this first? This should be first.

I know you're posting this as you write it, so it's first drafty as all get out, and maybe you already have this idea. But this should go first. Mainly, because it happens first chronologically and I don't get the sense that a non-linear storyline is what you're going for. Secondly, because this answered a lot of the questions I had up-front. This is also a classic noir beginning (and I feel like you're playing with a lot of noir elements in this story, and if you aren't doing that on purpose you should look into it because I think it really works here). Anyway, noir stories like to start with two people talking in a vehicle. Talking and moving. Usually in a car (the train here works too). Instant movement.

If you put this scene first in the chapter, then you have a nice strong arc for chapter one. We have rising action toward the climax with the falling girl and Lilli passing out and the falling action back in the police station. If this scene comes last, it throws off the rhythm of that arc and I would have a LOT more questions about the progression of the chapter.

The only thing I'd really ask far structurally is something at the end of 1.3 (which would be the new 1.4) that points us forward. This section is from Lilli's perspective, yet we don't end with her. She sighs and sits down, but that's us with the narrator more than with her. What is she thinking? Feeling, emotionally and physically? Give us a moment with her. It can be a brief moment, but something should happen that pushes us on to read the next chapter. She sighed and sat back down is very final and leaves no lingering tension to carry us onward. It doesn't have to be a lot. Even if she just looked back out the window or something and thought about the girl who fell from the building. Easy as that!

All in all, this was a strong chapter. I had my questions along the way, but you held the tension nicely and kept me wanting to read more. I look forward to seeing more of this book!

Keep writing!


Vervain says...

Yeah, I wrote this because I was looking at 1.1-1.3 and going "this makes little/no sense without context". I also meant to introduce the Gideon Jensen character (who, from the writer's point of view, is called Gideon instead of Mr Jensen because Cate's boss is Miss Jensen -- they may or may not be (but probably are) related).

But yes, reorganization will have me doing a lot of restructuring with 1.3 and whatnot.

Thank you!

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx