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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
the flow got iffy at parts, and the repetition clashed with my inner-poetic righteousness.
But I'm in a rambly mood, so that probly won't make sense.
Regardless, this seemed over-simplistic at parts, and over-complicated at others.
Try to have some weight behind the words.
Oh, and read other's poetry. See what's good, how to do it, and incorporate it in a unique way. Metaphors, strong imagery, and other poetic devices could much help this.
Happy reading
~Ed
I think you have some good ideas here, but they've been clouded by lengthy words (though I did like the part about sand making castles by itself ^_^). See how you can condense things so that you say everything all together; I think it will have a stronger effect. Also, expand on a few of the things you've begun to say; it will make more sense and be easier to read that way.
The repetition was annoying.
You gave us a poem, but not much to it. I can't entirely grasp what is even going on in it.. But that might just be me. I think you need to add more feeling into it. More imagery, those sort of things. It'd do better with that.