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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Lou's Chosen One: Chapter 1 Scott: The First Scarecrow

by LanaOverland


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Scott Douglas, 198X

Her white rose corsage was raining blood-stained petals onto the weather-worn line of a parking space outside of school gym. Her hair was still in those tight blonde curls—bless that hairspray—but the baby blue bow that held it all together had long since fallen out. Her dress, which was once a lacy blue, was now drenched in dark liquid which highlighted the floral pattern in the lace. I couldn’t quite manage to see the creature that she was grappling with, but it didn’t move like anything that should walk on two legs. The joints swayed back in forth, like it could bend in both directions and then some, as it tried to close the space between its face and the face of Ashburrow’s newly crowned homecoming queen: Alexandria Meadows.

“Scott!” she grunted, pushing the creature to the ground, into a pool of light from the one working streetlamp. The face of our attacker slammed into the ground and for a split second I could make out the fibers of the burlap sack making up its head ripped open to form a mouth blowing black vapor with every raspy breath, and the flannel shirt, sun bleached and stained with still wet red splatter, and the claws pouring out of the sleeves, before Alexandria dragged me off the ground and pulled me into her sprint.

“What the hell—” I yelped.

“I swear to god, Scott!” she huffed, forehead dripping with sweat which clung to her sponge like hair and rippled down through her make-up. “You are fucking useless when you’re in a vision!”

My reaction was visceral, “What?”

“We don’t have time for this!”

My arm jerked out and back into its socket as she whipped us around the corner, and though I could hear it, I thankfully couldn’t feel it. That would make for an unpleasant reality later.

She darted in front of a car, dragging me along with her to leap forward at the last second. There was a loud thunk as the creature, not nearly as lucky, rolled off the top. I glanced back for a second but the creature wasn’t deterred at all, it snapped its joints back into place and resumed its pursuit. We ran into the tree line before the driver could even get out of the car to check the damage.

“What the fu—”

“Scott!” she yelled. “I swear to christ, this is not the time!”

I ducked under low hanging branches, scraped my shins across the brambles of blackberry bushes, and fought my urge to look back as we whipped through the forest towards a barn with barren fields. She barely paused to reach out her arm and grab a pitchfork lying on the wall of the barn and whipped us around to run full force into the creature. Two booted feet kicked out from the body of the creature, smacking me in the nuts, but again, thankfully, no pain. I reeled back and stumbled into the dirt. Alexandria hoisted the creature pierced on her pitchfork above her head, her face momentarily lit up by the dim purple glow of the vapor, and pulled it deep into the barn where I could no longer see her, but a sudden burst of amber light and a gut wrenching final hiss from the scarecrow filled in enough of the details.

When the fire had finally gone out, Alexandria walked out with the slightly burnt husk of the scarecrow’s flannel wrapped around her shoulders which were prickling with goosebumps from the cold October air. She tossed her hair over her shoulder one last time and fell to her knees in front of me.

In that second of calm my train of thought finally slammed to a halt and I sputtered “Can I ask questions now?”

Her laugh was hoarse, “Right, it’s never over is it?”

I squeaked, “I can wait for a better time.”

“No, no,” she slapped a hand on my shoulder, which sent a jolt through my body. “It’s been about ten minutes now, you can’t have that long left. I should give you the most information to work with.”

“Uh…”

She grabbed me by both shoulders now, “You need to find the portal, Scott. Do you understand me?” She shook me once, “You need to find me, Scott, in the present. You need to find me and convince me that this is all real.”

“And if I don’t.”

Her eyes locked onto mine, and in our last moment her lips parted and told me “It’s the end of the world.”


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1272 Reviews


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Fri Jun 22, 2018 11:12 pm
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

Holy long-winded descriptions, Batman.

This sort of description would be great midway through the scene. It's very vivid (albeit in very long sentences) and paints a nice exact picture.

Except it requires a lot of effort to read, and most readers don't want to expend that much effort for the very first line. Let alone the whole very first paragraph.

Highly complex sentences are highly energetic to read. It's just fine to immerse readers in the world, but you have to figure out where you want to put that. There's a concept called gimmee points in fiction, which is things that make the book less palpable to the mass audience; long sentences, especially very early, use up a lot of gimmee points right at the start.

The action and "you're useless when you're in a vision" is a very solid hook. The problem is, that hook is four paragraphs in, and you only have one paragraph to hook readers. You waste the time that should be an action-packed, tense beginning by jam packing it full to the brim with very dense descriptions.

Shift around your sentence lengths. I'd love to get that sort of vividness once the fight is over, but not as a way to introduce the fight. I was actually extremely surprised to realize it was a fight because those description lengths are best used in calm moments. Short sentences help increase tension, and long sentences decrease it— so by having all your long sentences in a fight scene, you end up killing your tension before it even has a chance to begin.

All in all, don't make readers expend so much energy for the opening 3 paragraphs. You've got beautiful descriptions and interesting action/character dynamics, but the descriptions are strangling any interest I could have. Pull out the action and character dynamics, highlight it, then sink us into description to really have us appreciate both.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




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Sun Jun 10, 2018 4:40 pm
TheWeirdoFromBeyond wrote a review...



Hi, LanaOverland, I'm Prachi here for a review.

Grammar

The joints swayed back in forth, like it could bend in both directions and then some, as it tried to close the space between its face and the face of Ashburrow’s newly crowned homecoming queen: Alexandria Meadows.

*back and forth

The face of our attacker slammed into the ground and for a split second I could make out the fibers of the burlap sack making up its head ripped open to form a mouth blowing black vapor with every raspy breath, and the flannel shirt, sun bleached and stained with still wet red splatter, and the claws pouring out of the sleeves, before Alexandria dragged me off the ground and pulled me into her sprint.

*sun-bleached

“I swear to god, Scott!” she huffed, forehead dripping with sweat which clung to her sponge like hair and rippled down through her make-up. “You are fucking useless when you’re in a vision!”

*sponge-like

Alexandria hoisted the creature pierced on her pitchfork above her head, her face momentarily lit up by the dim purple glow of the vapor, and pulled it deep into the barn where I could no longer see her, but a sudden burst of amber light and a gut wrenching final hiss from the scarecrow filled in enough of the details.

*gut-wrenching

Okay, now your story, it is really amazing. I really liked the way you ended it, and I will try to review your other work as well. You can expect it by tomorrow, or even today.
Also, I think some of your sentences were very long. Like a whole paragraph long. Sometimes, it can be a bit difficult for a reader to follow through when the sentence is long. There wasn't much trouble here, but it may affect while working on something else

Overall
Your story got my attention, and I give it a big thumbs up. Hope to read more of your work soon.

-Prachi





Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"