Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
A constant drizzle in the room which inhales
Which exhales
The deep throbbing from beneath the rug as the bass hits for an escape
Desk etched in milky passion
Her mind swallows the sound of the synth as it caresses her from within
And the moon begs for a glance while the black liquor night illuminates her
He stares, he stares as if he conquered Rome
As the electric guitar strums the deadliest lullaby
As the drums strike the deepest beat
He stares, he stares as if he found America
Her skin shimmers in the darkest of moonlights and she moves to the trance of her lover
The lover that is the music from the gramophone
It touches her in the most roughest of ways but pulls her gently into a sudden embrace
Air becomes moist in the beauty of it all
No lights but the moon
No colour but the black liquor
And he stares, he stares as if he landed in Nirvana
Nothing escapes her soft rouge lips but a gentle hum that nestles in the throat of love
The sultry sound of the white piano keys and the distorted chord progressions which ignite the absent flames
And the glint in her eyes which show she’s found Haven
Her tight dress moves synchronised with the naked body it covers
While he stares, he stares as if he was bewitched
The brass which immerses the soul in rich pleasure
Loops and dubbed raps concoct a scraggy medicine
The crude oscillation of slopped and screwed at 3am
She lets it ride her out, a route now carried by her moved soul
And the moon continues to peer while its stars ooze onto the carpet
Her skin feels the touch of the voltaic notes
A landslide of c majors, impacting the room greater than equators
The aroma of melodies and drops remain poignant in the air between strangers
And he stares, he stares as if she wrote Odyssey
But her eyes do not meet her spectator, instead remains only on the array of illusion before her
He wants to brush the notes she sees
To press the now voltaic skin with his lips
Feel the dress between his fingertips
Let the music torment his skin as he recreates the roughness onto her
The night alludes to day
And the darkness rolls away with the waves of ecstasy it formed with the girl
He does not stare any more but cowardliness hinges on him making her his
The gramophone ceases its power
Her presence still empowering to the boy
Who will sit and who will wait
Till when again, darkness meets skin.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
Hi LLZ here.
First with the nitpicks.
"And he stares, he stares as if..." - the repetition doesn't flow, as it could be. It would be better without the repetition and that's all the nitpicks I could find.
I love it! The description, the emotion, the atmosphere, EVERYTHING ABOUT IT! It's so beautiful. Everything you described I could easily imagined. It was beautifully told and that's all I can say.
It all builds up then drops of to a perfect ending.
My favourite lines,
"Her presence still empowering to the boy
Who will sit and who will wait
Till when again, darkness meets skin."
Like I said...the perfect ending!
Great job and keep on writing.
From LLZ
Hello, rhia here to review. WElcome to YWS, first off! And what a powerful first poem to share.
Very good job with all of this. It was a joy to read, and your language was as sensuous and silky-seductive as the content.
I don't even know where to start, LanaO! I'm usually very critical, but this just left me breathless. I'm struggling to find anything to criticize. I suppose, if anything, the wording of the "as if" sentences could be a bit better, but that's it!
Now, to rant about the greatness. You used alliteration, love it. Allusions, nobody does that, awesome! Super advanced and interesting vocabulary, superb! The words just rolled, so velvety, right off of the screen. It was written very nicely, fluidly.
You also did a very good job of grounding this poem. People seem to struggle with that, writing in a way that gives the reader a point of reference to hold to, but you provided, by giving us concrete nouns that could be easily visualized. But, it was still beautiful in its metaphors and imagery. You have a wonderful handling of figurative language.
Overall, awesome job, you have earned a like and a follow from me!
*Drops from the sky* Rawr! Hello, and welcome to YWS! Feel free to talk to me, or an admin, or... really anybody, if you have any questions. We're all equally insane here!
First I want to say that your poem is simply enchanting. I admire the metaphor, the simile, the turn of phrase, and the imagery you used here. It's beautiful, poetic piece of work. The only thing I have to say is that towards the beginning I was rather confused. I knew what it was generally talking about, but the separate lines seemed disjointed somehow... I can't exactly explain it. Now, as the writer, you know what you're doing and what you want for the poem. I'm not the greatest at interpreting poetry, I'm more of a logistics person. But it's not until the middle of the poem that I completely understand. Besides that, I can't point out any more than @SushiSashimi333 did.
I must say that my favorite part is the last fifteen lines! I can't say enough times how beautiful this is. I can say it a thousand times and still not have told you how great the mood, the feeling, the movement of this poem is!
Okay, first let me warn you that poetry isn't my forte, but we're learning about it now so I hope this will be good practice for me XD
That part just didn't make sense to me. The line on it's own, and even in the poem it didn't seem to fit. I guess I just need an explanation as to why it's there. There are others like that, but I'll only point that out.Your little repetition of the phrase "as if" is good in poetic terms, but personally it's a little bit grating. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but the way you write it doesn't sound as if you did it on purpose. You might not have for all I know, just know that if it repeats that many times you should try to find a way to make it seem like you really meant it and you want the reader to see it.
There were also some lines that didn't make sense to me at all in the poem.
There were some slight flow issues in the sense of word order. You'll be able to pick those out easily if you go back and read it aloud.
The good parts now, so that I'm not just yelling at you and being mean XD
You had some great imagery in here! Just everything! You did a really good job with touching the ear and the eye, the others might've ended up being disturbing, but with your topic you did a good job without making it creepy.
I loved the "which inhales, which exhales" part. The way they mirrored each other but were complete opposites. I thought that was really cool and poetic like :p
Actually, looking back you had quite of a lot of, I forget what it's called, reflective? lines and structure. That was definitely a cool part to it all, but just make it more obvious again with the as parts.
Overall this was pretty good considering how I could see some of the poetic things you did without being a poet myself. Good job and keep up the good writing ^^
Sushi