Hi there LakeofCancer!
Overall, I think this is a decent satire. There are honestly some people who think like this. My dad sends me email forwards all the time about the evils of socialism, conveniently ignoring the fact that he is on Social Security and Medicare. So yes he is very much in the category of "why don't you just go out and get a job/better job?"
Some minor points I think could be better:
I used to have a job, but that was when I still I had about $100,000 in my pocket.
I think this would be funnier if you said "only", like that amount is chump change. I feel like that's what you meant, but it's not quite as clear.
No better way to stay fit than to run every morning for a couple hours!
I'm not sure if this was intentional, but it's actually a really interesting way to highlight the gap between the rich and poor when it comes to health and fitness. Rich people can afford things like healthy food, workout gear, and fancy gyms, while poor people can't. Something like running for a couple hours is a luxury-both in money (running gear), time (a poor person working multiple jobs to get by doesn't have the time and energy to just run), and a safe space (if you live in a bad neighborhood, you may not want to run outdoors).
“My name is Monae Less, I’m sorry for asking but why are you talking to me? Shouldn’t you be talking to Justin Beiber or something?” She said softly. She was kinda sassy in my opinion, but I understand why she did it.
Couple things here:
1) I'm not sure about the punny names. They're good for a quick chuckle but might be too silly.
2) I think there might be a more natural-sounding way to express her surprise with a little attitude. Like "Lady, are you lost?" Or "I think Beverly Hills is that way".
3) It's actually kind of touching to see her talk to someone in this situation, since often rich people ignore people like that. It kind of makes her returning to her rich-person way of thinking that much more powerful, like even after seeing this stuff first-hand she's still ignorant.
Now, it’s weird how I was able to afford over $1,000 on some nice workout clothes and they couldn’t spend that much on a pair of leggings. But I mean, some people I saw were wearing some nice brands.
This actually glosses over one of the main anti-welfare arguments, which is essentially "Why does that person need food stamps? Look they have a smartphone/name brand clothes/[insert luxury item here]. Heck, you might have seen this Fox News bit about how poor people have refrigerators and microwaves, so clearly they can't be suffering. Never mind that these things aren't really that expensive, fridges and other appliances are pretty standard in apartments, people can get nice things as gifts or save up for them, or they can get the nice things and then lose their job.
So back to the piece, I think it would be fitting for her to see someone wearing nice things and wondering why they claim they're so poor and need help.
Having no food means you get skinny. Getting really skinny means you’re ugly. And being ugly means you won’t have the love of your life.
I'm pretty sure a rich woman would see being skinny as a good thing. I mean, everyone wants to lose weight, and not eating because you can't afford to eat is a great way to do that, amirite?
What do they need to be sad for? They lost a keychain that some relative gave them before they died?
This keychain bit seems kind of random. I feel like there's room for a more realistic thought here, like "They don't have jobs so they can just sit around all day and mooch off the government unlike my billionaire husband who works super hard".
Overall, I liked this. I think the perspective was done well. Good luck on your assignment and keep writing!

Points: 37724
Reviews: 1274
Donate