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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Chapter 1: The Mouse

by Ladyofthedeathroses


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

A soft sigh escaped pale, pink parted lips as a young girl no more than 16 sat in a study paneled in dark wood, decorated in dark blue, black, and dark purple with a thick blue carpet covering the floor reading over a few papers. A knock sounded at the door and she looked up, a few strands of her silky, black hair falling in front of her dark blue eyes. She spoke in a voice that was cultured and smooth as silk, “Enter.” She straightened up as the study door opened and a tall man dressed in a black suit with immaculate ash blonde hair, and intense dark green eyes entered on silent feet pushing a tea-cart.

“Young Mistress it’s time for your afternoon tea. Today we have a parfait sweetened with raspberries and fresh cream,"he said and she sniffed the air curiously.

“Is that… rose hip and chamomile tea?” She asked as he poured her a cup.

“Yes, from Marie’s in the West End of London. I know how found you are of their teas My Lady," he replied setting both items down on her desk. Annabelle set her papers down before picking up her teacup; she took a small sip, and smiled faintly. The rose hips tasted sweet complimenting the chamomile perfectly.

“You did well Draven its perfect,” she complimented. Draven bowed touching his heart his white glove a spot on his black tail coat.

“You are to kind My Lady," he said politely while she smiled drinking more of her tea. Annabelle glanced down and froze slightly spotting the words ‘rough waters’ on a report before snatching it up.

“My Lady what’s wrong?” Draven asked calmly.

“Telephone now!" she demanded and not a minute after the order left her lips a telephone was on her desk, a scrap of paper with a number on it laid next to the telephone. Annabelle dialed the phone and tapped her fingers impatiently against her desk.

“Hello?” A male voice that had an accent she couldn’t place at the moment answered.

“This is Countess Annabelle NyghtHawk did the ship Cerenity come to port?” She asked.

“Oi, I don’t know ye lit-“The voice started to reply annoyed.

“You listen to me right now! I have the power to level your entire business within a few hours and don’t think I won’t…now did the ship Cerenity come to port?” Annabelle said her voice cold. Stunned silence came from the other end for a few moments

. “L-l-let me c-check," his voice stammered out then the faint sound of someone walking away could be heard on the other line. Annabelle looked up to see Draven smirking as if proud and her eyes narrowed slightly just as a voice came back on the line different from the one before more polite but still holding the accent.

“Yes, the ship after hitting a storm docked safely an hour ago.” Annabelle sighed softly in relief.

“Let me speak with Captain Richard," she demanded. The voice grumbled for a bit and then a familiar voice came on the other line.

“Hello My Lady. How are you?” Richard said sounding tired.

“I’m fine was the ship or cargo damaged in anyway?” She asked.

“Sadly, yes. 200,000 thousand pounds of damage done to the hull and 5,000 pounds of cargo lost. Cloth and spices mostly," he replied. Annabelle sighed once again tugging on a strand of her hair gently.

“Alright…was anyone hurt?” She asked dreading the answer

. “We’re all alive and well Miss. A little shaken but we will be able to return on our regular route as soon as our ship is fixed," Richard said

. “I’ll send you the money right away don’t overextend yourselves alright? Wait," she said and hung up the phone.

“Draven I need you to send 300,000 pounds to the Eastern Pacific Docking Company immediately addressed to Captain Richard," Annabelle said looking at him. Draven bowed.

“Consider it done My Lady," he replied and left her study. Annabelle glanced down at her desk unsurprised to see the dishes had been cleared already. She stood and after placing her papers in a drawer left her study her light blue skirts sweeping along the ground she paused in one of the halls looking up at a portrait of a woman with black hair and green eyes. She touched the ring on her right ring finger and sighed before walking away. A crash nearby caused her to look up, only mildly interested. Serras, her maid, was sitting among broken china, a wet spot on the floor not far from her rubbing her head it was rarity so honestly she was a tad surprised.

“Serras…” She said and immediately the white-haired female sprung to her feet curtsying deeply, her dark grey eyes on the ground.

“I-I’m so sorry, Miss! I was walkin’ with the tea set and’’ she started to say.

“How many times have I told you to dry the floor completely once you’re done cleaning it?” Draven interrupted. Annabelle sighed annoyed as Serras stammered blushing.

“It does not matter. Draven, clean this up right away and finish preparing dinner before Gar-“ A loud explosion came from the direction of the kitchen, causing Serras to jump a bit and Annabelle to sigh yet again

. “Garrett…” Draven said walking to the kitchen.

“Draven, clean this up now! That’s an order,” Annabelle said sharply. He froze turning to her, and then bowed deeply.

“Forgive me, My Lady. I had forgotten myself.” Draven said.

“See that it doesn’t happen again," she replied coldly and walked away. A few moments later she found herself in her study again, sighing deeply and pressing her back against the door for a little while.

Annabelle pushed away slightly from the door walking to the window where she put a hand against the window pane and looked out over what would have been a beautiful garden but was covered with pure, white snow. The glass was cold against her hand and steam started to appear between her fingers. A knock sounded at the study door and Draven entered.

“I thought I told you to prepare dinner.” Annabelle said turning from the window her tone a tad annoyed. Immediately the silver tray with the ivory colored envelope resting on it, the royal crest visible sealing it, caught her eye.

“I thought this was urgent," Draven said and bowed as Annabelle picked up the envelope, a faint smirk touching her lips.

“Looks like there’s another mouse on the loose," she said a faint hint of relish in her tone.


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760 Reviews


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Fri Mar 14, 2014 2:46 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi there.

I'm not going to nitpick the whole thing but here are a few things where your sentence structure could use a little work:

'Annabelle said turning from the window her tone a tad annoyed. Immediately the silver tray with the ivory colored envelope resting on it, the royal crest visible sealing it caught her eye.'
- I think you should put a comma between 'it' and 'caught'. This would create parenthesis with the first comma and I think that would read better. Ironically, you do this perfectly in the next sentence. Just be careful though, because sometimes it takes a little work to figure out what your sentences are saying.

However, once I did, I really enjoyed. I like the responsibilities that Annabelle has to take on and how this seems to have matured her beyond a regular sixteen-year-old. I very much like Draven and he kind of reminds me of Parker from Thunderbirds :) Although, you refer to him doing things 'formally' a couple of times and while this is a good adjective, you could maybe use something like 'stiffly' or 'rigidly'. I understand that these have negative connotations but they're all I can think of.

Well done :)




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Fri Mar 14, 2014 1:20 pm
BrittanyNicole wrote a review...



Hey!

I just wanted to tell you how much I love this:

( A soft sigh escaped pale, pink parted lips as a young girl no more than 16 sat in a study paneled in dark wood, decorated in dark blue, black, and dark purple with a thick blue carpet covering the floor reading over a few papers )

<> It has alot of detail, and it captured my attention right away! bravo!


( A knock sounded at the door and she looked up, a few strands of her silky, black hair falling in front of her dark blue eyes. )

<> I forgot to add this line as well, I got a really good picture of the girl, from the first sentence, and also this one. You're really good at descriptive words, and sentences that really bring out the story!


Keep it up! I can't wait to read more of this. :)
P.s. The title really brings out a 'capture' theme too.

:) :) :)

Britt





So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookcase on the wall.
— Roald Dahl