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Destiny: Chapter One

by LadyTano


The cave seemed to glow, producing its own light. The water shimmered, reflecting hues of blues and greens on the walls, rivaling the emerald gown I wore. I walked through the cave, in total awe, not even wondering why or how I had come to be here.

Lilies, along with their emerald green leaves, blossomed on the surface of the water. A single stone path led across the water, into the mist. I placed my bare foot on the smooth, damp stone. My steps, slow at first, were smooth and sure, one following the other, getting faster and faster, until I was gliding across the stone path.

I was running faster and smoother than Cynric, my stallion. Was this what flying was like? After what seemed an eternity, yet so short, I slowed until my steps were a slow patter. I was in the center of the cave, where it glowed most.

A gasp caught in my throat. Wolfhart. The legend. He stood several paces in front of me. He looked just as I imagined. Tall, with light hair, and soft blue eyes. His metal armor was strong, of the newest style, not just chainmail. His golden sword rested inside an elaborate scabbard.

“Wolfhart?” I said. He nodded.

Only five more paces and I would reach him. Suddenly, the water surrounding me turned to lava, and wolves leaped out onto the stone path. They surrounded me.

"Wolfhart!" I cried. The wolves were pure black, blood dripping from their fangs, and their sharp talon-like claws were the length of my hand. The lava ran over the stone path and Wolfhart disappeared into the mist. I cried out again.

The lava was slowly inching closer to my feet. The wolves were multiplying in numbers, and they were growing larger. Then I heard a tremendous growl behind me. Something breathed down my neck. I stood very still with bated breath.

Then, to my surprise, all the wolves bowed. Their blue eyes, like deep, never-ending crystals, mesmerized me.

"Fianna." I turned around at the call of my name. Before me stood a very large wolf. At least as tall as two men. I froze.

“Do not be frightened, young warrior, I am Destiny,” The large black wolf said, “We’ve been seeking you for many generations, and finally we’ve found you. It is time for you to free Wessex, we are yours to command.”

Destiny bowed. I turned to look at the multitude of wolves behind me. That was strange, their fur was now white, like the winter snow. I looked back toward Destiny. She was still black, but I noticed crystals sparkling in her fur. They twinkled like little bells when she moved.

“Where is Wolfhart, the chief warrior of the prince Wymarc of Wessex?” I shouted. Destiny said nothing, but turned around and jumped back into the lava. The other wolves followed her example.

“Wait!” But I spoke too late. As the last of the wolves disappeared, the lava turned back into water.

I stared in disbelief.

“Fianna,” Wolfhart shouted behind me. The stone path had appeared again, and he stood three paces from me.

Wolfhart stretched out his hand, making my heart beat even faster than it already had been. I slowly lifted my hand and placed it into his. He led me forward. Wolfhart did not once take his eyes off me, and mine didn’t leave him.

He brought me around to a stone column. On it was a golden crown. The crown was studded with emeralds, kyanites, and topaz.

Wolfhart reached for the crown. He brought it up and placed it on my head. It was light as a feather. Wolfhart knelt before me.

"My queen." He said. I don't know what urged me to do it, but I slowly knelt down before him also and bowed my head.

"My king," I whispered.

***

“Fianna! Fianna!”

The stone pathway vanished, and Wolfhart slowly faded before my eyes.

“Don’t go,” I called sleepily.

“Go where?” I opened my eyes. My younger sister Amice pulled me up from my bed of furs.

“Amice, why are you up so early? It is still dark.” I protested. Amice cocked her head.

“Go where?” She asked again. I had to smile at her light gold hair and emerald green eyes, much like my own.

“I must have been dreaming.” I shook out my tan shift before putting it on.

“About what?” She bounced around me.

“I was dreaming about bloodthirsty wolves if you must know.” I launched toward Amice and started tickling her. “They were snarling viciously, and wanted my blood!”

“Well, who saved you?” Amice asked, gasping for breath.

“No one saved me, I saved myself.”

“But you said ‘don’t go’.” Amice clutched her heart dramatically. “So there must have been somebody.”

“Fine.” I sighed. “Wolfhart was there.” I checked my arrows before slipping on the quiver.

“Ooh! Wolfhart!” My sister squealed. I didn’t wonder about her reaction. Tales are told of the great warrior around the fire at every feast. Mother tells us not to believe them all, that one man can’t be so strong, courageous, brave, and clever.

But Amice and I take every story to heart and believe that it is true to the fullest extent. We enjoy the thrill and the danger surrounding Wolfhart in each and every tale. Some even say that Wolfhart himself is dangerous, and is a man to be reckoned with even if you are not an enemy.

“It was not like that.” I strung my longbow and headed toward the door. “And was only a dream, you hopeless romantic.” I smiled in spite of myself.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Amice said as we walked out the deerskin door and into the pre-dawn light.

“The convoy is coming!” She yelled back as she ran toward the hall.

************

Thanks for reading! Chapter two will be here soon! I would appreciate it if you left me a comment or review.


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Wed Oct 20, 2021 6:17 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Soo....this was a fun first chapter. I think on first glance, I find myself liking it here. It seems interesting and its done pretty well for the most part, although there are a couple of issues that I did spot.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The cave seemed to glow, producing its own light. The water shimmered, reflecting hues of blues and greens on the walls, rivaling the emerald gown I wore. I walked through the cave, in total awe, not even wondering why or how I had come to be here.

Lilies, along with their emerald green leaves, blossomed on the surface of the water. A single stone path led across the water, into the mist. I placed my bare foot on the smooth, damp stone. My steps, slow at first, were smooth and sure, one following the other, getting faster and faster, until I was gliding across the stone path.


This is a fun little setting here to start off on. It appears this particular chapter one is going to start by establishing a bit about where we are and so far I think this is done really well here. You really manage to paint quite the picture there for the area. It is a rather neutral description with things seeming mostly peaceful, so well let's see where this goes.

I was running faster and smoother than Cynric, my stallion. Was this what flying was like? After what seemed an eternity, yet so short, I slowed until my steps were a slow patter. I was in the center of the cave, where it glowed most.

A gasp caught in my throat. Wolfhart. The legend. He stood several paces in front of me. He looked just as I imagined. Tall, with light hair, and soft blue eyes. His metal armor was strong, of the newest style, not just chainmail. His golden sword rested inside an elaborate scabbard.

“Wolfhart?” I said. He nodded.


Hmm, the pacing got a tiny bit iffy there. I love the little detail about this person running as fast a horse. Its a nice touch, but then the next bit happens a bit too fast I think. I feel like this person immediately recognizing the person and then the description happening is what makes it sound that way. If that was a bit reversed, this would sound a bit better I think.

Only five more paces and I would reach him. Suddenly, the water surrounding me turned to lava, and wolves leaped out onto the stone path. They surrounded me.

"Wolfhart!" I cried. The wolves were pure black, blood dripping from their fangs, and their sharp talon-like claws were the length of my hand. The lava ran over the stone path and Wolfhart disappeared into the mist. I cried out again.

The lava was slowly inching closer to my feet. The wolves were multiplying in numbers, and they were growing larger. Then I heard a tremendous growl behind me. Something breathed down my neck. I stood very still with bated breath.


Ooooh..I always love a good first chapter fight scene...those are always quite a lot of fun to read, so I'm excited here. This is one of the slightly more unique scenarios and it seems like a rather fun one too here, so I am completely on board at the moment...this seems like it could be fun to see.

Then, to my surprise, all the wolves bowed. Their blue eyes, like deep, never-ending crystals, mesmerized me.

"Fianna." I turned around at the call of my name. Before me stood a very large wolf. At least as tall as two men. I froze.

“Do not be frightened, young warrior, I am Destiny,” The large black wolf said, “We’ve been seeking you for many generations, and finally we’ve found you. It is time for you to free Wessex, we are yours to command.”


Okay...did not see that one coming to be honest. Not all that often you see a bit of a fakeout fight happening in the first chapter of something, but its a fun little twist to see there. I'm not entirely what the dude earlier was trying to do before running away like that, so still a bit confused on that count, but this particular plot point seems to be heading in a good direction here.

Destiny bowed. I turned to look at the multitude of wolves behind me. That was strange, their fur was now white, like the winter snow. I looked back toward Destiny. She was still black, but I noticed crystals sparkling in her fur. They twinkled like little bells when she moved.


Okay, so it appears the protagonist thinks whatever is going on there is a bit strange so either they don't know much about this whole scenario or this is something that's very much unique, either way it introduces a nice extra sense of mystery and that is always quite fun to see at the start of a story.

“Where is Wolfhart, the chief warrior of the prince Wymarc of Wessex?” I shouted. Destiny said nothing, but turned around and jumped back into the lava. The other wolves followed her example.

“Wait!” But I spoke too late. As the last of the wolves disappeared, the lava turned back into water.

I stared in disbelief.


Okay...so far both the interesting folks that have shown up have vanished, and I'm beginning to wander where this is trying to take us. Shouting out the full title of the dude from earlier is also a bit odd and sounds like its meant only for the reader's benefit. It seems like much too long of a title to just be shouting out randomly, just the name or maybe the title on its own would sound slightly more natural, but this one doesn't really work.

“Fianna,” Wolfhart shouted behind me. The stone path had appeared again, and he stood three paces from me.

Wolfhart stretched out his hand, making my heart beat even faster than it already had been. I slowly lifted my hand and placed it into his. He led me forward. Wolfhart did not once take his eyes off me, and mine didn’t leave him.

He brought me around to a stone column. On it was a golden crown. The crown was studded with emeralds, kyanites, and topaz.


Okay...and the dude then just kind of appears again, okay, so far the way things are going is bordering on being a little bit confusing here with people vanishing and reappearing and I just don't quite see either of these scenarios linking together either, so this seems almost some kind of dream sequence with this style here although I guess this is probably not a dream...xD

Wolfhart reached for the crown. He brought it up and placed it on my head. It was light as a feather. Wolfhart knelt before me.

"My queen." He said. I don't know what urged me to do it, but I slowly knelt down before him also and bowed my head.

"My king," I whispered.


Okay soo...that happens. I'm still not entirely convinced about this opening here. There are some interesting elements, but most of this ends up being a touch confusing, which is expected for a first chapter, but this is a little too confusing I feel, there's a lot of little things happening that we don't really have any context for. Its fell that its a case of too little information provided combining with a slightly choppy flow.

“Fianna! Fianna!”

The stone pathway vanished, and Wolfhart slowly faded before my eyes.

“Don’t go,” I called sleepily.

“Go where?” I opened my eyes. My younger sister Amice pulled me up from my bed of furs.


Oh wow...it was a dream...oh dear...well that makes a lot more sense now...xD In this fashion I could totally see that opening working out pretty well actually. For something like a dream that sort of pace is almost expected cause that usually how those happen and then you sort of get a nice little mystery to tackle as well with what happened in the dream. I would suggest putting that section in italics maybe, just to differentiate it a bit or it might end up being confusing. The scene break here does a good job of breaking up the two scenes, but I think you need something more so that people can see it is a dream of some kind right from the beginning so they can interpret it as one.

“Amice, why are you up so early? It is still dark.” I protested. Amice cocked her head.

“Go where?” She asked again. I had to smile at her light gold hair and emerald green eyes, much like my own.

“I must have been dreaming.” I shook out my tan shift before putting it on.

“About what?” She bounced around me.


This is a lovely little conversation that's slowly unfolding here and I'm loving it. The sort of dynamic that exists between the two characters is immediately visible here and so far it seems like a pretty wholesome one.

“I was dreaming about bloodthirsty wolves if you must know.” I launched toward Amice and started tickling her. “They were snarling viciously, and wanted my blood!”

“Well, who saved you?” Amice asked, gasping for breath.

“No one saved me, I saved myself.”

“But you said ‘don’t go’.” Amice clutched her heart dramatically. “So there must have been somebody.”


Ooooh...that is a very neat deduction, I love that. It looks like Amice here is pretty good at spotting little details here and is very intent on potentially doing some teasing. Her intentions seem pretty clear to me at any rate. ;)

“Fine.” I sighed. “Wolfhart was there.” I checked my arrows before slipping on the quiver.

“Ooh! Wolfhart!” My sister squealed. I didn’t wonder about her reaction. Tales are told of the great warrior around the fire at every feast. Mother tells us not to believe them all, that one man can’t be so strong, courageous, brave, and clever.


Hmm, well this is a fun little moment so far. All of this is making that first sequence come out sounding a whole lot better now and things are sort of better falling into perspective. This is now starting to come along rather nicely here.

But Amice and I take every story to heart and believe that it is true to the fullest extent. We enjoy the thrill and the danger surrounding Wolfhart in each and every tale. Some even say that Wolfhart himself is dangerous, and is a man to be reckoned with even if you are not an enemy.

“It was not like that.” I strung my longbow and headed toward the door. “And was only a dream, you hopeless romantic.” I smiled in spite of myself.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Amice said as we walked out the deerskin door and into the pre-dawn light.

“The convoy is coming!” She yelled back as she ran toward the hall.


Ooooh, seems like we also have ourselves a fairly minor cliffhanger there to end things with. It does make for a pretty fun ending at any rate. The whole situation about the "its nothing like that" is very suspicious cause she said that pretty much without much thinking. There was a lightly teasing tone, but for the most part, this bit of denial suggests there is something happening and in the dream there certainly so instantly that's a fun little potential subplot. As for that cliffhanger, it kind of works cause as Amice is running as she says it so perhaps there is something there but since we have no idea what a convoy could indicate in this world, its not quite as much of a cliffhanger as it could be, but at any rate, a decent way to end a first chapter there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is a good start here. This is interesting enough that I could see myself reading a chapter two of this here. :D Anyway that's about all I have to say here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




LadyTano says...


Thanks so much for the review, Harry! I can definitely see what you pointed out, and I will work on improving it. Thanks again!



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!! :D



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Tue Oct 19, 2021 8:48 pm
Kz says...



Hey! it's Kz! Loved your work!!! It is detailed and I can really imagine myself there, so that is amazing! I am completely UNABLE to do that for my readers. Lolz. (*no grammar mistakes, and its looking good!!!*) =D

Ps: if you could give me writing advice that would be a HUGE help.😞 (my writing needs work) I wrote The Way It Changed, (its posted here if you want to read)!!!


-Kz




Kz says...


oops. It appears I wrote this twice... Lolz.



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Tue Oct 19, 2021 8:48 pm
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Kz wrote a review...



Hey! it's Kz! Loved your work!!! It is detailed and I can really imagine myself there, so that is amazing! I am completely UNABLE to do that for my readers. Lolz. (*no grammar mistakes, and its looking good!!!*) =D

Ps: if you could give me writing advice that would be a HUGE help.😞 (my writing needs work) I wrote The Way It Changed, (its posted here if you want to read)!!!


-Kz




LadyTano says...


Thanks for the review, Kz! I'll check out your work.




“I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. "I am with you.”
— Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince