Here lies a little wooden cross,
resting peacefully in my hand.
I gaze upon it, thinking of your loss,
your life, Heaven's demand.
A long time you put up a fight,
but in the end the sickness took your life.
On angel's wings you took flight,
While grief stabbed us with its knife.
Here lies this little wooden cross,
for in my palm it rests still.
All I think of is your loss,
but what does pain fulfill?
All these short and sweet years,
you were loved by all.
But now, there are only tears,
because life is precious- and so small.
Here lies a little wooden cross;
it reminds me of you.
Although we are burdened by your loss,
We will always love you, though your life is through...
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First, I want to say I am sorry for your loss and hope you and your family recovers. Life is definitely precious and it is hard to let go but find comfort in the fact he is free of pain now. As far as my thoughts on your poem, it is rather beautiful. I loved the flow of it.
My only critique is: "I gaze upon it, thinking of your loss, your life Heaven's demand"
You should put a comma after life. Besides that everything is perfect and I hope you execute the reading to the best of your abilities xoxo
Thank you! And I will see about putting that comma there!
Thanks for sharing this elegy dedicated to your late uncle. It is a very delicate thing to comment at a funeral or to dedicate a poem or a speech because many there are in deep sorrow and we might accidentally deepen that sorrow by what we say.
Elegy
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/elegy
Eulogy
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/eulogy
That's why a eulogy is better since it dedicates itself to praising the person who passed away and in that way avoids the possibility of hurt feelings. I would go into specifics, memories of things he did that are memorable to you. For example: I recall how.... I remember when.... I will always appreciate.... I will always cherish.... He had a way with....
Alright. Well, I may still do the poem, but I was also thinking of doing a eulogy speech thing before doing the poem. What do you think?
Hey LadyShadows,
Shady here with a review for your poem. First of all, I'm sorry about your uncle. That is really rough to go through, and I think it's sweet of you to write a poem for him.
I'm not great with poetry so I might not be right about this, but shouldn't it be "Heaven's" not "Heaven"? Your life heaven's demand. It doesn't seem to flow right how it is now... at least it's not grammatically correct, and when I read it aloud it doesn't feel right. Up to you, but that was something I noticed right away.
This is another of the places that seems a tad awkward. Maybe something like "But now there are only tears" might work? I'm not sure. The "is is" is just throwing me off a bit.
Otherwise, this was an absolutely lovely poem. Sorry if that sounded critical. I know that this is probably a super emotionally charged poem for you, and I think it was good. I don't mean to be discouraging. I just figured if you posted it to YWS you wanted it critiqued, so I pointed out what I noticed. i do think it's good how it is now... it just holds the possibility of becoming even better if you brush it up a bit.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Why thanks! See, for the Heaven's part, I was thinking that but I wasn't quite sure. And it may just be your mind getting thrown off because there are two of the same word, 'is is' lol. But I will read it in my head, and if it sounds better I will definitely do it! Yet again, thanks!
Yep, the second choice was also better! Thanks again!
Sure thing. Glad it helped!
I will miss you uncle Steve :'(
I lost an uncle as well. He was murdered for fifteen dollars that he refused to fork over to some hoodlums. We played the guitar together. Spoke up for me when my dad once treated me badly.
That was nice of him.... and I'm sorry for your loss