Moving On

Hiiii

Hi there,
Straycat doing a review here. This is something most of the people could relate to nowadays- unrequited love. Even I wrote something like this and lucky me, it also have the same title. Haha. Well back to the review. I love how you express yourself as someone who accepts rejections, someone who takes straightforwardness like "I don't like you. Period." Unfortunately, a great number of folks out their really indulge themselves into assumptions. Like they really don't have the guts to ask the person they want even if it took them ages, because they're afraid of getting dumped. But you, wow! Kudos to that.

This piece did strike me for it also happened to me just a year ago. I think it just needs some figures of speech and maybe put some instances that made it more broken and painful. But, all in all it was awesome. Keep writing!

Hallå!

Sooo, this was interesting. To me, it reads more like flash fiction than poetry, but then again, my knowledge of poetry is woefully limited, so what do I know? Well, actually, I know a few things—for example, I know that there were some issues with this piece (which I'll get to in a minute), but one thing I can say is that you did something kind of offbeat and uncommon, which I dug. You took a small idea and wrote a short-and-sweet piece that explores it—with no big action sequences (or any action sequences), no dialogue, just the power of words and emotions and thoughts. It's cool. I like stories that do that sort of thing—stories that aren't stories so much as streams of consciousness. And the emotion in this piece was good: raw, intense. You could feel the vibrating anger, and anguish, and pain.

Now, in terms of criticism, I do think that the writing itself wasn't quite as interesting as the premise and style. In other words, the execution could've been better. The language of the piece was simplistic. I would've liked to have seen a more expressive, colorful vocabulary, something more reflective of the narrator's headspace. And, while the emotion is there, it would've been great if it had been explored more. I want to know how, exactly, the narrator feels, why they feel this way; I wanted to see something specific done with that rage and indignation.

The piece also, at times, felt a bit too close to a diary entry. Like I said, I enjoyed the idea of it, and I didn't mind how stylized it was—on the contrary, I thought it was cool. But it still would've been nice to have it be a bit snappier, punchier, more realized. Something that reads more like a proper piece of writing and less like journal rantings, you know? It's not that it needs to be superbly polished, or that a diary entry is inherently bad, but I think the piece would've been much improved if the style and feeling of a journal ranting had been channeled into something a bit more sophisticated and purposeful, with maybe a tad more structure. That way, it would retain the raw energy but with some degree of professionalism.

My other issue was the various grammatical infractions. Those would be:

I think that the word moving on is only for people who were in a relationship and broken up.

We, we never are in a relationship.

I knock the door.

If only he just said no to me, then I’ll politely excuse myself, probably waved him goodbye too.

I’ll tell him

But when I knock

I fall. I fall out of love.

And when he knock

Who knows that he might have misplaced it somewhere in those houses yet to become his own property?

I welcomed him into my lawn

but he told me that he was mesmerized by the beautiful walls of a house that he has never been to.