I loved you ever patiently

Thanks for the suggestions. I plan to go through and tweak things. I usually don't title my poems (I was just using the first line so that I had something to put in the topic space), but I'll try to come up with something for this, abba315.

I want to start off by saying that I love your poem. I am going through the exact same thing right now and it really hit home when I read it. I think that it needs to be cleaned up a bit though. Right now the poem is really slow, and your word choice is not the best. It seems rather cliche' at times, and fixing those things could make this poem wonderful.


[quote="LadyOfShalott"]I loved you ever patiently—
for months, gave you my heart devotedly.
But in all that time, could you ever tell
how fragile was that gift you held? If you put that gift was it will speed things up a bit. You really need that because if you go to slow you will begin to bore the reader.

Every time I asked from you a little more,
I only wanted us as we were before,
when you knew well my heart was yours—
before it had those wretched scars. Wretched doesn't fit here very good and neither does scars. It interupts your flow.

Did you ever see how much I tried?
Or how often, grieving Us, I cried? You don't need us in capital letters.
When you returned my gift—broken, bruised—
could I help my feeling used? I know this feeling well.

And still I cared too much to deal you blame; Yup....so sad.
I felt I must give myself that ugly stain. Me too.
I feared that in some way I'd failed— Me too.
let myself loose what loving you entailed. I think love would sound better here.

But through my pain I'd waited patiently,
wishing you'd let me be yours devotedly.
When I gave you my heart, could you tell
how fragile was that gift you held? I like the repition that you gave here at the end.

----------------------------------------

Sorry I couldn't give you more help. I really like this. It makes me sad to know that someone else has to go through what i had to go through.

LadyOfShalott wrote:
Every time I asked from you a little more,
I only wanted us as we were before,
when you knew well my heart was yours—
before it had those wretched scars.

Hey there Lady, and welcome to YWS :P

You've got a nice start of a poem here, but there was nothing in it that really grabbed at my attention, whether in a good or a bad way. You've got some emotion, though faint, and a nice, solid structure, which is a great base to improve from. My main issues with this poem is that it's a lot of pretty common images ("my heart was yours", "how much I tried", "as we were before") and a bit lacking in the way of attention-holding imagery or wording, which makes it bland; there's also the fact that your rhymes are a little iffy at time (blame/stain, tell/held, yours/scars) and so throw off the whole scheme, which while plain is pretty good compared to most of those I usually see. Some rewording I think could help improve this, and you could have something quite good. The emotion, as I said, is there, but it's not very strong; some bringing out of it could probably help as well, by allowing the reader to feel/empathize more with the character/PoV.

Hope this helps, and shoot me a PM if there's anything you want clarification on.

wow this poem is amazing!

Wow, I really like this poem a lot! It flows very nicely and the emotion is powerful and easily felt. I like the repeating lines, and for some reason your sentence structure stands out to me. The only problem I have is that, in the second stanza, 'yours' and 'scars' doesn't really rhyme, if that's what you were going for. It doesn't snag the beat of the poem or anything, but I noticed that the other lines rhyme, so maybe you'd like to search for a replacement? Perhaps something like... I don't know exactly, I don't want to change your poem too drastically, so I won't suggest replacing the lines entirely. Just pointing that out.
Oh, and in the second stanza, "Every time I asked from you a little more" should definitely be "Every time I asked OF you", from sort of cuts up the sentence flow, and just seems a little off.
For me, also, the title "I loved you ever patiently" (if you meant that to be the title), seems to not fit the poem as well as something like "Fragile Gift" (not that I particularly like that title, but you know, something to that effect) or something would. I guess that title doesn't really do it for me, but that's my opinion. I guess, though, it did its job, because I clicked on this thread based on the title alone
Overall, great poem, I really like it! Keep up the great writing