z

Young Writers Society



Time Vault. Chapter 1: A perfectly normal day

by LadyMysterio


I scribbled down a few notes on the tablet I held, my pen scratching as I wrote.

I paused and added one last thing, Get new pens.

My skin flushed with the red and blue lights as they pierced the night.

I waved at a marked car pulling away. The man in the back gave me a dirty look.

I tilted my head, “Not my fault you got caught.”

We had just wrapped up an investigation of an underground drug organization. We are the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police). I surveyed the land around me, various marked cars were haphazardly parked here and there, the ERT armoured truck was pulling away, yellow tape was wrapped around things, including a big warehouse, and officers were putting the rest of the gang in cars. I glanced at my watch. It was 1400 hours in the morning. My radio buzzed with voices, crime never rested, and neither did we. 

I turned and opened the door of my cop car I had been leaning on, and got in.

I opened the computer propped in the center console and managed to type up a quick file on the case when I heard a rap at the window. I jumped and looked up, a relieved breath escaped me as I rolled the window down.

“Coffee?” Constable Sparrow offered me a steaming paper cup,

“Always” I yawned.

“Doing the file up?” Sparrow glanced at my computer.

“Yeah” I sipped some of the coffee. He could be a bit noisy but meant well.

My fingers clicked a few buttons, sending the short report on its way

“I should get going, I need sleep”

“See you tomorrow?”

I swallowed some more coffee “yup. “

“Nice’ He nodded “Have fun with that paperwork”

I raised an eyebrow," sure I will,"`Sparrow chuckled, then I rolled the window up and drove off.

I just had to make a quick stop at the station, and then I could home. Thankfully the detachment wasn't far away.

Shortly I reached the station and parked the patrol car in the back parking lot.   I quickly ducked inside the station, putting the keys among the others in a small room. then headed back outside, squinting at the parking lot.

“Now where did I park?”

My eyes surveyed the dark parking lot.

“Why.” I sighed and stuffed my hand in my pocket and pulled out a key fob.

“Buy a black car they said, it will never look dirty they said”

I pressed the unlock button on the fob, lights flashed a few yards away.

I opened the driver's door and shoved the key in the ignition.

The rumble of the engine nearly lulled me to sleep as I drove home, countless streetlights passed by me.

I dragged myself out of the car, locked it, and walked to my front door. I shifted my fingers over to a different key, jammed it in the lock, and quickly slipped inside the dark house. My fluffy cat dashed towards me and rubbed against my legs,

“Hi Fluff Ball”

Peering through the window, I pressed the lock button on the key fob, second-guessing I had locked the car, then turned and headed up the stairs, Fluffy trailing me energetically. I barely managed to change into my pyjamas before I collapsed on the bed.

I groaned, someone stupid alarm was going off, my eyes snapped open, realizing that it was my alarm, then relaxed and sighed. Fluffy, sensing my movement, leaped up on the bed, landing squarely on my chest. I coughed, the air knocked out of my lungs for a moment, then patted Fluffy on the head. She settled into a little loaf of fluff on my chest, sticking her face in mine.

“You're almost worse than that guy that tackled me last week,” I gently poked the side of my torso,” but maybe that's just the bruises that made you hurt so much."

“Merow” Fluffball licked my face.

I groaned and pushed her aside, then rubbed my eyes, “Why is it so bright?”

I squinted and looked at the window. I'd forgotten to close the curtains.

Fluffball meowed and batted me as I looked at my watch. I had about an hour till I had to be at the detachment. Great. Fluffy protested with a meow as I shoved her aside and got up, swiping a clean uniform out of my closet. Fluffy tailed me, nearly tripping me as I hopped into my pants. I sighed then examined myself in the mirror, starting to gather my hair up into a bun. Fluffy, happy that I finally stopped moving, rubbed herself along the hem of my black pants, leaving white fur stuck to the bright yellow stripe running down the side. “Fluffy!'' I left my hair in a ponytail and grabbed a lint remover on my way downstairs, removing the cat hair from my pants as best I could.

The coffee maker gurgled as I entered the kitchen, and I pull a cup down from the cupboard almost at the same time as I poured some food into the Fluffys bowl. With the cat now preoccupied I poured myself a cup of coffee, and deciding I had no time for cream, took it with me into a back room filled with shelves.

A dark bulletproof vest with the words POLICE stretched across the front of it, hung beside my utility belt. I snuck a long sip of coffee, then shrugged the vest on, pulling the hidden velcro strips tight. In between another sip of coffee, I buckled my belt on, checking the various pouches on it. My radio hung clipped onto the belt, I unclipped the receiver and reclipped it on my vest, then popped the earpiece, attached by a clear spiralling cord, in my left ear. Now I had everything but my pistol and magazines.

I turned towards a pale metal box on a shelf behind me and fished a key out of a small hidden pocket in my vest. After inserting the gold-coloured key in the similarly coloured padlock, I flicked the lid open to reveal a pistol and magazines nestled in foam cut to their shape. I pried out the gun and flicked the snap up on my holster then slipped the gun inside. Picking the magazines up I put them into their separate pouches, snapping the tops shut, and then as fluffy wandered in, I double-checked the locking mechanism on the hoster but tugging at the gun as if I was taking it out. The gun moved slightly but didn't budge from its holster. Good.

Gently shooing fluffy away, I downed the last of my coffee, then sat down on a small bench under the shelves and pulled my heavy combat boots out from under it. Fluffy tilted her head and swatted at the laces as I tugged them tight, looping them around the small hooks that held the boots tight around my ankles.

I gently pushed Fluffy away again and stood, then took down a dark blue, thin jacket from a hook by the door as I made my way out. Swiping my wallet and keys from a small desk by the front door, I hopped in my car and backed out of the driveway, soon emerging onto the main road.

Various types of cars crowded the main road out of the suburbs, all of them headed to work or school. I sighed as traffic slowed as I got closer to the station. The morning rush hour never failed to bore and frustrate me. My eyes flickered to the simple blocky building only a few stories high a couple of blocks ahead of me. Especially when my destination was so close.

Traffic cleared a few minutes later and I soon entered through the open chain link fence gates that lead into member parking. I pulled into the first available parking stall and then started towards the station, turning my radio on and smiling as the familiar buzz of radio static and occasional voices filled my ear. When I reached the backdoor of the detachment I pulled a card out of my wallet and pressed it to a keypad as a small scanner scanned my eyes. Seconds later the little light on the door handle flashed green and the lock clicked open. I pushed through, walking purposefully through various halls, nodding a greeting as I passed members from various departments.

I stopped and turned into a room that had walls lined with desks with cabinets above them, each sporting its characteristic items or little knick-knacks. I tilted my head at the empty desks, either I was the first on here, or no one else was on duty today. Glaring at the small but intimidating pile of paperwork sitting on my desk. I sighed and settled into my office chair, which was boring compared to the various feminine purple office supplies and computer accessories that littered my desk.

“Gotta love paperwork,”

I started and turned to find Constable sparrow, who’d spoken the sarcastic comment, standing in the doorway of the small office room. I nodded,” Don't suppose you’d want to do it for me?”

Sparrow shook his head, taking a bite from the donut he held,” and take the fun away from you? No way”

I shrugged,” was worth a shot, although I don't think I'm legally allowed to let you fill it out.” I eyed Sparrow's donut,” you know you're just playing into the cop stereotype always eating those things right?”

This time sparrow shrugged,” yeah. But a guys gotta eat.” He shifted his weight from one foot to another,” I’ll leave you alone with that paperwork then. I'm off to bug the tech guys. Wifi's been weird.”

I watched him disappear from the doorway, then leaned back in my chair and swivelled back to the paperwork staring at it for a few seconds. Deciding I couldn't delay the inevitable, I leaned forward, picked up a pen, and slide the first piece of paperwork in front of me. Studying it before I started filling the blank spaces out.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
453 Reviews


Points: 825
Reviews: 453

Donate
Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:20 am
Lib wrote a review...



Hey!

Hope you're doing well, today or tonight. I'm here to drop off a quick review, so let's get started, shall we?

Right, so I like the way you started your chapter. It seems completely ordinary, but then, even better, we get rock know our Main Character is a cop! Exciting! Also, "get new pens" made me laugh for some reason, I don't know; it was so simple, yet sweet. <3

I was noticing, as you were doing the dialogue, that your punctuation seemed off. Probably work a bit on that when you're doing your next round of edits. Also, Constable Sparrow. I like that name. I don't think I've ever met or seen anyone with the name Sparrow. Unique. I like it.

Lol, "where did I park" <-- Literally my mom. We go shopping, and when she comes out ages later, we always forget where we parked, and so most of the time, we're honking the car. xD

Anyways, I like this ending; the way it ends off with a cat, and her falling asleep because of how tired she is. It's adorable, and it's a great way to end your chapter!

Right, so I'm done with this review. I can't wait to see where you go with this story of yours! Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




Random avatar

Points: 39
Reviews: 46

Donate
Sat Jan 04, 2020 6:44 pm
BlackThorne wrote a review...



1.

The red and blue flashing lights changed my skin colour as they pierced the night.

"changed my skin colour" is a bit of a static description. something more visual might be better.
Example:
My skin flashed with the red and blue of the lights.


2.
The shady man in the back giving me a dirty look.

the present tense doesn't fit here. combine it with the previous sentence or change to past tense. also "shady" is a bit of a leap.
Example:
The rough-looking man in the back gave me a dirty look.


3.
I glanced at my watch, it was 1400 hours, in the morning, my radio buzzed with voices, crime never rested, well neither did we.

a little proofreading shows this sentence to be grammatically haphazard.
Example:
I glanced at my watch. It was 14:00 in the morning, and my radio buzzed with voices. Crime never rested, and neither did we.


4.
I opened the computer opposite and managed to type up a quick file on the case. A rap at the window spooked me.

you could rephrase this to help us resonate with the events a little better. "a rap at the window spooked me" sounds a bit detached from the scene.
I had opened the computer and had begun to type a quick file on the case when I heard a rap on the window. I looked up, spooked.


5.
I pulled into the parking lot and headed into the station. I held my access card at the sensor for a few moments then pushed through the door. I yawned, as I shrugged off my gear and stuffed what I did take home into dull coloured duffle bag. I lugged the bag over one of my shoulders and dumped the now empty coffee cup in the trash, then walked
outside.

like some other parts near the end, the repetitive sentence structure sounds a bit monotonous. you could try rephrasing some things to make it more phonetically engaging, or removing some parts. you don't really need to include every action, just what's important.
Example:
I pulled into the parking lot. I had to hold my access card under the sensor, before there was a beep that let me know I could push open the door.
Yawning, I shrugged off my gear and stuffed what I could take home in a duffel bag, before throwing it over my shoulders and dumping my now-empty coffee cup in the trash, and walking outside.


6.
My eyes surveying the dark parking lot.

see number 2.

7.
I slowed as I neared my driveway and drove in.

this seems a bit jarring in the context. removing it might benefit the flow, as it's not needed-the readers can infer the gaps.

you should also correct the dialogue. there's some missing punctuation




LadyMysterio says...


Awesome thanks you! How do I keep missing punctuation, I went through it three times?! This is why I post stuff to here lol
Thanks again!


Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


no problem!



User avatar
56 Reviews


Points: 762
Reviews: 56

Donate
Sat Jan 04, 2020 4:31 am
View Likes
LadyMysterio says...



@EverLight

I don't know how to tag some one but lets see if this works...




LadyMysterio says...


oh guess it worked,




Remember the rain that made your corn grow.
— Haitian Proverb