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Enemies in crime. Chapter one.

by LadyMysterio

Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city. It seemed so peaceful, so unaware.

She smiled, yet tomorrow they would be painfully aware of her power, yes they had their hero, but they feared her more. She had power and they knew it. Terrorize the city once and it will do anything for their lives. When she was young she was ignored, forgotten, nobody saw her, now they had no choice. She had been invisible to everyone, now she could make them see her and at the same time avenge her younger self, play with their minds and force them to listen.

She gazed at the staff in her hand, it glowing or pulsed. She had to simply think and it would do her bidding. She stepped towards the edge of the building she stood on, she closed her eyes and stepped on into the air. Zillah opened her eyes and smiled at her reflection in the building opposite, a pair of almost angel-like gleaming gold wings extended from her back, framing her monochrome, blue-purple gear.

She slowly rose until she was flying over the city. She loved having wings, stolen from the same lair as the staff of illusions, they were as weightless as they were gold.

Suddenly the hairs on the back of her neck tingle.

”I'm sorry Soren, is flying over the city a crime now?” She sighed sarcastically

“It is if you are planning something devious.” A male voice broke the silence.

Zillah turned, ”Uh uh, now can I go home or is that a crime too”

“Fine, but I’m watching you,” Soren replied shortly His long black hair waving in the slight breeze that emitted from her wings.

“How creepy.” She snorted

Soren rolled his eyes and flew away.

Zillah soon reached her destination, an abandoned army base she had refurbished, stationed in a cliff overlooking the city, she flew higher than dive-bombed down towards the top of the cliff. The rocky surface got closer, then suddenly she went right through the surface and into the base.

She stretched and yawned, “Brooding is tiring”, she muttered.

She was awakened the next day by the violent sound of buildings crashing.

“Wait,” She sat up suddenly, “What.”

She rushed over to the windows overlooking the city, there were pillars of smoke and rubbish was strewn everywhere.

“Well, this is a delightful thing to wake up to," She stated as she grabbed her staff, spread her wings and flew up.

As she came closer to the city she headed towards what appeared to be the middle of the chaos. She halted scanning the area, the almighty hero was nowhere in sight, granted you couldn’t see much, but knowing him, he would make his presence known.

She spotted a dark shadow, she flew towards it, the air from her wings clearing the smoke away.

It appeared to be a man floating, he waved a hand and in the same instant, a building fell.

“Hey,” She yelled, “Stop destroying my city! ”

Suddenly she was pinned to the nearest building, nothing? The floating man came closer to his robe flowing like a river, around his slim body. A hand was outstretched, fingers strained. His tanned skin contrasting against his blue robes.

She strained her wings, they seemed the only things held down.

"On the contrary," The man replied, “It's mine now”

She closed her eyes briefly and a vice suddenly gripped him, it immediately vanished. Her staff was pulled from her grasp and brought to the man, who grabbed it and dropped it.

Zillah struggled to get free, "You’re good, but not good enough."

She sneered and pulled her wings sharply in and dropped down, disappearing in the smoke. She caught her falling staff and settled herself gently down on the ground, the smoke hovering just above her.

“Ok, so there is some guy up there terrorizing my city with some sort of invisible force.” She muttered out loud, thinking.

She fiddled with her staff, how do you avoid something you can't see?

She stopped and stared at her reflection in a glassdoor. Before she could find a solution, a huge weight came crashing down on her and pinned her down.

Oh joy, he’s back

Her staff was torn out of her grasp, her wings folded and held by an invisible force.

“You aren't getting away that easily,” The strange man warned

“So why, might I ask, do you want me,” Zillah quizzed him.

“Oh, I don't want you, I just want you gone,” He replied innocently.

“Uh uh and why,” Zillah prodded.

The one time you want Mr superhero to show up he doesn't.

“I can't tell you that now can I, I wouldn't want you ruining my plans,” He bent, looking her in the eye, ”There's only room for one of us, and it's me”

He looked young, he couldn't be more than 25.

She returned his daring gaze. Maybe she could trick this guy into trusting her.

“Look I can help you, Mistress of Illusion at your service.”

“Yes, and why not just stab me in the back,” The robed man stood and rose, going high, "Farwell.”

Ok that wasn’t working, when would that stupid hero show up

The weight suddenly became heavier crushing her, she winced, her breath taken from her lungs, then the weight lifted.

She breathed then she was violently lifted and slammed against the ground again.

“Oww rejoiced so soon don't I,” She painfully sucked in a breath as she was dropped to the ground.

She heard a crack, and a searing pain shot through her body.

Her left arm had gotten caught under in her fall.

Her vision blurred, her head pounded.

Everything went black.

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6 Reviews

Points: 17
Reviews: 6

Mon Mar 23, 2020 12:04 pm
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WritingIsFun wrote a review...

I like your first chapter, it was good. I liked your beginning, ‘Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city. It seemed so peaceful so, unaware.’ I think that that gives the reader a good picture of the city, if you have a good imagination.
I think that your second paragraph explained how she lived when she was younger really well. Yet tomorrow everyone would be painfully aware of her power, they have a hero, but they feared her more. Now, I didn’t quite understand the part when you said, ‘She had been invisible to everyone, now she could make them see her and at the same time avenge her younger self, play with their minds and force them to listen.’ Does this sentence make sense to you? I don’t quite understand it, so if you explained it more, that would be great.
Flying: the joy of the world. Her golden wings and her staff, with the golden orb pulsing at the top. Weightless golden wings are just awesome, so I think that was a good detail to add.
Other than that, I think that you did a great job!
Amazon Explorer

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22 Reviews

Points: 54
Reviews: 22

Wed Mar 11, 2020 8:42 pm
Josie24 wrote a review...

"Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city it seemed so peaceful so, unaware." Your sentence feels like it should have been two. You could use that instead of it to make it one sentence, such as: "Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city that seemed so peaceful, so unaware." Or you could make it two sentences. "Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city. It seemed so peaceful, so unaware." I also fixed the placement of your comma in these suggestions.

"She smiled, a yet tomorrow they would be painfully aware of her power..." I don't even know what is going on here with the yet. Maybe you meant, "She smiled, and yet tomorrow they would be painfully aware of her power..."?

This statement, "When she was young she was ignored, forgotten, nobody saw her, now they had no choice" would make more sense as two sentences: "When she was young she was ignored and forgotten. Nobody saw her then, but now they had no choice."

You wrote: " she could make them see her and at the same time revenge her younger self, play with their minds and force them to listen." The word you used, revenge, should actually be avenge the way you have it written, making it, "now she could make them see her and at the same time avenge her younger self, play with their minds and force them to listen."

Starting from this: "She sighed sarcastically", and lasting throughout her conversation, you sometimes neglected to use periods. This happens in the fight too.

I like the idea of this, a sort of Maleficent type character who turns to fight the other villain because only she's allowed to terrorize this city. It's really cool actually.

LadyMysterio says...

thanks for the review!
Thank you for pointing out those things!

-Lady Mysterio

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44 Reviews

Points: 115
Reviews: 44

Tue Mar 10, 2020 12:36 pm
HGsomeone wrote a review...

A hoy, hoy,

First off, I'll just say that I haven't reviewed in a while so I might be a bit rusty but without further ado here are some general comments.

1. I like the concept. It's good and I am intrigued, however I think that you needed to build on it more. So far everything has just been action and I as the reader don't have an entirely clear picture of what is going on. So my main recommendation is work on the orientation, give us a little description of the city and the sort of world this is set in. I assume it's fantasy so does that mean the time period is medieval or modern or something entirely different? Also, more information is probably required of the character, Soren. I sense that he's the good guy and she's the bad guy who are usually locked in a battle of wits similar to batman and the joker but that's it. Anything else? Not even a hair colour? I did like your description of the wings, however, and the line "the glowing orb pulsed" (I have no idea why but I just for some reason love it).

2. The dialogue was well done and fairly realistic during the first section but whilst Zillah was fighting this new mysterious figure it felt a little flat. Also, this might just be me but when a character talks to them self it just seems a little... weird. I suggest this little self monologue instead presented in the form of thoughts or actions.

That's about it but so I don't finish this on a negative note, can I just say that your characterisation of Zillah is perfect and I feel like I can already understand the sort of person she is. Keep writing!

- H.G

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6 Reviews

Points: 17
Reviews: 6

Mon Mar 09, 2020 2:07 pm
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WritingIsFun says...

I think that your first chapter was written well, you added lots of detail so that the reader could really understand what was happening. I like it a lot.

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37 Reviews

Points: 215
Reviews: 37

Mon Mar 09, 2020 3:21 am
LadyMysterio says...

@MadagascarMaiden i know you liked this one, but i changed a few things.

By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill