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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Enemies in crime. Chapter one. 1.2

by LadyMysterio


Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city. It seemed so peaceful, so unaware.

She smiled. Yet it was so vividly aware of her power, yes they had their hero, but they feared her more. She had power and they knew it. Terrorize the city once and it will do anything for their lives

When she was young she was ignored, forgotten, nobody saw her, now they had no choice. She had been invisible to everyone. Now she could make them see her and at the same time avenge her younger self. Play with their minds and force them to listen.

She gazed at the staff in her hand. The glowing blue orb perched in the top pulsed. All it took was a simple, concentrated thought and it would create whatever she wanted. She stepped towards the edge of the building she stood on.  Closing her eyes as she stepped out into the air.

The Villainess opened her eyes and smiled at her reflection in the building opposite. A pair of almost angel-like gleaming gold wings extended from her back. Framing her monochrome, blue-purple suit.

Zillah spread her wings. Allowing the thermal to carry her higher. The warm air flew past her aerodynamic smooth gear. Carrying her above the skyscrapers. She shot into a fluffy white cloud. Water drops sticking to her skin as she swiftly passed through.

Suddenly the bright blue sky was visible again. She spilled out of the thermal and dove back down pulling some of the clouds with her. Passing the tallest skyscraper in the city she glanced at her reflection. All she was, was a shiny golden streak.

Focusing back on the nearing streets, she flung her wings open. Stopping with a jerk and flipping so her boots were now pointed at the busy city streets. The reflection of her wings caught the eyes of a few citizens. Who gladly yelled their hate. But their angry voices had not yet reached her. She glided on, swerving around buildings and down streets.

Swinging sideways, one wing pointed down and one pointed toward the sky. She flew through a narrow alleyway between two buildings. Exiting with a sharp flash as the golden sun met her wings. 

Scanning the sidewalk she noticed something. She swung around. Slowing to a hover. Her wings making a steady swishing noise as she peered at the object that held her interest.

Hiding in the shadow of a building she sunk lower, balancing on a sill wrapped around the building. Tucking in her wings, she watched a small child that was walking below. Hands clasped, walking in the shadow of her parents as they argued.

The child didn't say anything to the parents. Didn't do anything, but obediently walk behind them. Head bowed, watching her feet, and fiddling with her hands. 

The familiar rushing anger and sadness curled around her heart. she knew what that child felt too well.

Zillah never knew how she could sense the kid's feelings. But Zillah knew. No matter if the child said anything. 

She'd have to plan this. Usually, she didn’t plan, but last time Soren had interfered far too quickly.

Now the villainess only had to figure out how to find the girl's parents again.

She peered at the cellphone that one of the parents whipped out, she leaned forward, gripping the window sill of the older building as she peeked at it. They opened a map. Perfect! She glanced at the set home address

221, First Row. 

She mentally memorized it. Road names could be so strange sometimes, that or super boring. The parent pocketed the phone again and they walk on, the girl trailing behind.

Zillah dove out of the shadows, pushing the air away with her wings and flying back up. She dived. Ducking down and swinging under a traffic light. Then flew above the traffic. Dodging a semi-truck. Catching a thermal drift. She leaned into it, letting it carry her up.

Soon she was a few hundred feet up. Titling out, she heard towards a mountain range in the distance with a cliff bordering it. A bluff stood out. A dirt road connecting it to the city. Exciting she glimpsed the suburbs on the other end of the city. Boring rows and rows of roads and houses.

The sea shined further down. On the complete opposite side of the city.The tall, shining, industrial towers, a sharp contrast between the deep, fierce, ocean.

Zillah soon reached her destination. An abandoned army base she had refurbished. It stood stationed on a cliff overlooking the city. She flew higher than dive-bombed down towards the top of the cliff. The rocky surface got closer, then suddenly she went right through the surface and into the base.

She folded her wings as she flipped so she landed feet first. Flinging out her wings out and setting down softly. Then untucked the knife tucked in one of the bands of her corset and it transformed into a staff in her hands. She gently dropped it on the floor before wandering over to one of the pillars. Squinting as she formulated a plan in her head. 

Leaning against the pillar, she tilted her head. She could attack where they lived. That way it might take a while for Soren to get there. But what if he lived close by? She scrunched up her eyes.

One day whilst exploring the city, she'd managed to spot Soren entering a house. It later turned out it was his home. Bringing the memory to mind, she recalled it was in a row of houses, meaning it was in the suburbs somewhere. Realigning her train of thought. She pondered over the parent's address. Given the street name, it would most likely in the suburbs. Plus no street in the city was named  “First row '' why would there be?

If Soren lived in the suburbs he'd get to the scene way too fast, unless he wasn't home. or if he didn't even live there. Maybe she'd mistaken the location of his house?

“No that wouldn't work,” she mumbled. Too risky.

The villainess sighed, then pushed herself off the pillar. Walking towards the big bay windows. Using her hand to shield her eyes from the starkness of the blaring midday sun, as it shone through the windows. Could she possibly follow them into the city and attack? It would be more crowded. She didn't mind an audience, it helped spread the message, but if the news showed up. It would tell the location. Soren would find out faster.

She tilted her head.” That wouldn’t work either. You know sometimes I really hate planning. Maybe I should wing it.” She flourished her wings and chuckled.

Thought that would defeat the whole purpose of stalling Soren, unless.... She could simply track the parents until they were in a good place to attack. That could work. Perfect. But how to track them. Zillah didn't have anything tech-related.

Following them shouldn't be too hard. How long could it take? She swivelled and then jumped. Going through the not so solid rock and rocketing off toward the suburbs. Flying into the first row of houses. Tilting down to fly down the streets and glancing at the houses. She reached the end of one road and found it. It was situated on the right side of the street, a quint, white house with brown trim. She curled up at the top of the house. Sitting in the shadow of the roof. Hopefully, she won't be spotted. Taking away the glimmer of her wings helped. They were a huge disadvantage. Especially when hiding, though they were useful for blinding one's enemies.

She settled herself comfortably and waited.

An hour passed. Nothing, but a few cars. How long could one stay inside? Sure she stayed inside most of the day. But she wasn't considered normal, and most people she'd seen tended to have very busy days out. Didn't they have a job? Unless this happened to be a day off. She shuffled up against the chimney. The shift caused a few roof tiles to fall to the ground making a  shattering noise when they hit the pavement.

Zillah froze, waiting for someone to come investigate. When no one emerged after a few minutes, she settled. "They should really get their roof tiles checked."

The villainess soon found that sitting on a roof was extremely uncomfortable. She decided it was similar to sitting on a bunch of hard sandpaper, on a hill.

Three hours passed. Her tummy rumbled. Still no sight of them. She glanced at the sun. It would be sunset soon. And she didn’t want to miss it. She’d come back tomorrow then. Perhaps they have a busier day. or a less busy day. All she needed was for them to go somewhere away from Soren's possible location.

Zillah hastened off the roof, racing towards the mountains. She stopped just over the city. Seeing how far the sun had dipped down, she hovered, watching the glowing sun sink down. She'd never not watched the sunset from her house, being she was a few miles away she better hurry. A quick twist had her facing the mountains again, and she flew towards the cliff face. Her golden feathered wings dancing with colours. As they gracefully sped her towards the cliff.

Suddenly the hairs on the back of her neck tingled.


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Sun Jan 10, 2021 10:27 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there, Lady! Just a short one from me today. This is a nice, action-focused first chapter. The premise of a story where the villainess is the main character sounds interesting, and I like how you've shown us how she deals with having wings.

Characters

If Soren lived in the suburbs he'd get to the scene way too fast, unless he wasn't home. or if he didn't even live there. Maybe she'd mistaken the location of his house?

Ah I do like that she's constantly planning her moves according to how she predicts the hero will act. That makes her a smart villainess.

The reflection of her wings caught the eyes of a few citizens. Who gladly yelled their hate.

This part confused me a little bit. I'd imagine they'd be more scared than hateful at this point? Given that she's a 'supervillain', after all.

Setting

The tall, shining, industrial towers, a sharp contrast between the deep, fierce, ocean.


I think you might have meant to write "a sharp contrast to" here, but I do like this idea for a setting! I could picture the place quite well throughout the story, and lots of vertical space gives the opportunity for interesting maneuvers involving Zillah's wings.

Style

The villainess soon found that sitting on a roof was extremely uncomfortable. She decided it was similar to sitting on a bunch of hard sandpaper, on a hill.
I love that expression! I think it parodies an often-seen scene in superhero movies pretty well.

The villainess sighed, then pushed herself off the pillar. Walking towards the big bay windows. Using her hand to shield her eyes from the starkness of the blaring midday sun, as it shone through the windows.


While I get the idea of what you're doing here, which seems to be to use sentence fragments to make the scenes suspenseful, I think varying sentence types tends to be more effective in creating interest through style. What if you used short, but complete sentences instead of fragments in some parts? Maybe use a long sentence in which a lot happens (it is possible to make that suspenseful, so long as you use it sparingly!)?

Zillah spread her wings. Allowing the thermal to carry her higher. The warm air flew past her aerodynamic smooth gear.

I think the sentence fragments work best here, because it's an action sequence happening. The short 'incomplete' sentences help emphasise the sense of flying being suspenseful, heart-pounding. Saving fragments for this kind of scene would work well for a suspense story, I think, as it makes sure you have 'highs' in the tension and 'lows' with longer, chilled-out sentences for contrast.

That's all

Hopefully some of these comments are helpful to you. Keep writing! <3

Cheers,
-Lim




LadyMysterio says...


Thx for the review!



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Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:39 am
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Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello Lady Mysterio
I'm so sorry this was so late. ;-; but here goes nothing lol.
This was really good. You had good description and flowed really nicely. I liked how she has her own wings. It makes her really badass! I love it. Speaking of which, her character is so interesting. Like she understands the pain of being forgotten right and she wants everyone to see her. It's awesome! I love it! I don't really have any constructive criticism, it was really good overall. I love the story line and everything about it! You did a really good job!
- Stellarjay




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Mon Mar 23, 2020 12:04 pm
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WritingIsFun wrote a review...



I like your first chapter, it was good. I liked your beginning, ‘Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city. It seemed so peaceful so, unaware.’ I think that that gives the reader a good picture of the city, if you have a good imagination.
I think that your second paragraph explained how she lived when she was younger really well. Yet tomorrow everyone would be painfully aware of her power, they have a hero, but they feared her more. Now, I didn’t quite understand the part when you said, ‘She had been invisible to everyone, now she could make them see her and at the same time avenge her younger self, play with their minds and force them to listen.’ Does this sentence make sense to you? I don’t quite understand it, so if you explained it more, that would be great.
Flying: the joy of the world. Her golden wings and her staff, with the golden orb pulsing at the top. Weightless golden wings are just awesome, so I think that was a good detail to add.
Other than that, I think that you did a great job!
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Wed Mar 11, 2020 8:42 pm
Josie24 wrote a review...



"Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city it seemed so peaceful so, unaware." Your sentence feels like it should have been two. You could use that instead of it to make it one sentence, such as: "Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city that seemed so peaceful, so unaware." Or you could make it two sentences. "Zillah gazed at the sun setting over the city. It seemed so peaceful, so unaware." I also fixed the placement of your comma in these suggestions.

"She smiled, a yet tomorrow they would be painfully aware of her power..." I don't even know what is going on here with the yet. Maybe you meant, "She smiled, and yet tomorrow they would be painfully aware of her power..."?

This statement, "When she was young she was ignored, forgotten, nobody saw her, now they had no choice" would make more sense as two sentences: "When she was young she was ignored and forgotten. Nobody saw her then, but now they had no choice."

You wrote: "...now she could make them see her and at the same time revenge her younger self, play with their minds and force them to listen." The word you used, revenge, should actually be avenge the way you have it written, making it, "now she could make them see her and at the same time avenge her younger self, play with their minds and force them to listen."

Starting from this: "She sighed sarcastically", and lasting throughout her conversation, you sometimes neglected to use periods. This happens in the fight too.

I like the idea of this, a sort of Maleficent type character who turns to fight the other villain because only she's allowed to terrorize this city. It's really cool actually.




LadyMysterio says...


thanks for the review!
Thank you for pointing out those things!

-Lady Mysterio



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Tue Mar 10, 2020 12:36 pm
QuoolQuo wrote a review...



A hoy, hoy,

First off, I'll just say that I haven't reviewed in a while so I might be a bit rusty but without further ado here are some general comments.

1. I like the concept. It's good and I am intrigued, however I think that you needed to build on it more. So far everything has just been action and I as the reader don't have an entirely clear picture of what is going on. So my main recommendation is work on the orientation, give us a little description of the city and the sort of world this is set in. I assume it's fantasy so does that mean the time period is medieval or modern or something entirely different? Also, more information is probably required of the character, Soren. I sense that he's the good guy and she's the bad guy who are usually locked in a battle of wits similar to batman and the joker but that's it. Anything else? Not even a hair colour? I did like your description of the wings, however, and the line "the glowing orb pulsed" (I have no idea why but I just for some reason love it).

2. The dialogue was well done and fairly realistic during the first section but whilst Zillah was fighting this new mysterious figure it felt a little flat. Also, this might just be me but when a character talks to them self it just seems a little... weird. I suggest this little self monologue instead presented in the form of thoughts or actions.

That's about it but so I don't finish this on a negative note, can I just say that your characterisation of Zillah is perfect and I feel like I can already understand the sort of person she is. Keep writing!

- H.G




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Mon Mar 09, 2020 2:07 pm
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WritingIsFun says...



I think that your first chapter was written well, you added lots of detail so that the reader could really understand what was happening. I like it a lot.




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Mon Mar 09, 2020 3:21 am
LadyMysterio says...



@MadagascarMaiden i know you liked this one, but i changed a few things.





The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus