iHola Ladi Loki! I saw you requested a review on this piece, so I thought I'd bring a nice bundle of reviewness for ya
Let's take this stanza by stanza, and then I'll leave some overall notes.
I don't understand why 'Trickster' is capitalized here. Unless it's a proper noun, it would be more natural to keep it lowercased. Also, 'hold me clutched' seems a bit redundant, so perhaps saying something along the lines of 'hold me tightly' or 'hold me firmly' would feel a bit less redundant.Young and bold, his
Trickster eyes hold me
clutched in his unforgiving game.
I really love the descriptiveness here, but the one suggestion I have is to put a comma between 'oiled' and 'corvid'.Gnarled branches ensnare me,
thick and twisted. Oiled corvid feathers
brush angrily against my snowy skin.
Personally, I think the verb 'tears' in place of 'rips' more accurately conveys the idea of reaching for and grabbing viciously, just because of its higher intensity. I would also add a 'for' in between 'clawing' and 'conquest' to show that conquest over the MC is the enemy's goal.His frozen grip rips at my soul
clawing conquest over me,
unaware how freely I would give it.
I would just change the phrasing of this so that it was all one phrase (so take out the period after 'forest' and replace it with a comma, and then end the stanza with a period). Again, unless Innocents is the specific name of a specific group of people, it should be lowercase.I fall further, deeper into
his poisoned forest. Where
painted flowers devour Innocents,
Just a carryover from the last stanza, I think that the first word should be capitalized, since it seems like a new thought.the earth is in the sky,
and the stars kiss my feet.
This is where I long to be.
Looking ahead to the next paragraph, it seems like there should be a comma after 'King'. These sentences also feel a little choppy, probably due to their length, which is just something to keep in mind when examining the rhythm.The Corvid caws, the Wolf leaps.
His glossy wings envelop me.
My master, my Snorok King
For some reason, I feel like there should be a 'the' before 'purest gold'. Also, 'painted in the skins' is a bit of an odd term. I would say something like 'painted bright as' or 'painted vividly as'.dipped in purest gold,
painted in the skins of
dark and cunning serpent
I think you should replace 'him' with the specific aspect of the 'him' that the MC wants to inhale, if that makes sense. I know it sounded really wordy, but what I'm trying to say is that the MC seems to desire a specific part of him, and saying 'him' is more vague and general than I think you want it to be, as the author. Also, instead of 'sent', it should be 'His toxic scent.'I breathe him in. His toxic sent,
pulsing out of every pore,
drowns my heart in numbing bliss.
It seems more natural to say 'The Three Fates cackle, saying 'You will not come out alive." Since 'cackling' is technically referring to a laugh, there should be a 'saying' verb there. And since it's the end of a thought, a period feels more natural. Flawless final sentence. No complaints there.The Fates, three, cackle
"you will not come out alive"
In this game, no one survives.
Overall, this was a really amazing poem about twisted love, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. You used very vivid and colorful descriptions, yet your poem was still succinct and to-the-point, not overly wordy or flowery. It was one of the best poems I've ever read, and I could really feel the emotions in this poem. Amazing job on this, and as always, if you have any questions, I'd be glad to answer them.
Please tag me when you publish future poems!
MJ
Points: 31500
Reviews: 561
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