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16+ Violence Mature Content

My Snorok King

by LadyLoki


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Young and bold, his
Trickster eyes hold me
clutched in his unforgiving game.

Gnarled branches ensnare me,
thick and twisted as oiled corvid feathers
brush angrily against my snowy skin.

His frozen grip rips at my soul
clawing conquest over me,
unaware how freely I would give it.

I fall further, deeper into
his poisoned forest--where
painted flowers devour Innocents,

the earth is in the sky,
and the stars kiss my feet.
This is where I long to be.

The Corvid caws, the Wolf leaps. 
His glossy wings envelop me.
My master, my Snorok King, 

dipped in purest gold,
painted in the skins of
dark and cunning serpents.

I breathe him in. His toxic scent,
pulsing out of every pore,
drowns my heart in numbing bliss.

The Fates, three, cackle
"you will not come out alive"

In this game, no one survives.


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546 Reviews


Points: 29742
Reviews: 546

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Sat Dec 30, 2017 5:15 pm
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Tuckster wrote a review...



iHola Ladi Loki! I saw you requested a review on this piece, so I thought I'd bring a nice bundle of reviewness for ya :)

Let's take this stanza by stanza, and then I'll leave some overall notes.

Young and bold, his
Trickster eyes hold me
clutched in his unforgiving game.
I don't understand why 'Trickster' is capitalized here. Unless it's a proper noun, it would be more natural to keep it lowercased. Also, 'hold me clutched' seems a bit redundant, so perhaps saying something along the lines of 'hold me tightly' or 'hold me firmly' would feel a bit less redundant.

Gnarled branches ensnare me,
thick and twisted. Oiled corvid feathers
brush angrily against my snowy skin.
I really love the descriptiveness here, but the one suggestion I have is to put a comma between 'oiled' and 'corvid'.

His frozen grip rips at my soul
clawing conquest over me,
unaware how freely I would give it.
Personally, I think the verb 'tears' in place of 'rips' more accurately conveys the idea of reaching for and grabbing viciously, just because of its higher intensity. I would also add a 'for' in between 'clawing' and 'conquest' to show that conquest over the MC is the enemy's goal.

I fall further, deeper into
his poisoned forest. Where
painted flowers devour Innocents,
I would just change the phrasing of this so that it was all one phrase (so take out the period after 'forest' and replace it with a comma, and then end the stanza with a period). Again, unless Innocents is the specific name of a specific group of people, it should be lowercase.

the earth is in the sky,
and the stars kiss my feet.
This is where I long to be.
Just a carryover from the last stanza, I think that the first word should be capitalized, since it seems like a new thought.

The Corvid caws, the Wolf leaps.
His glossy wings envelop me.
My master, my Snorok King
Looking ahead to the next paragraph, it seems like there should be a comma after 'King'. These sentences also feel a little choppy, probably due to their length, which is just something to keep in mind when examining the rhythm.

dipped in purest gold,
painted in the skins of
dark and cunning serpent
For some reason, I feel like there should be a 'the' before 'purest gold'. Also, 'painted in the skins' is a bit of an odd term. I would say something like 'painted bright as' or 'painted vividly as'.

I breathe him in. His toxic sent,
pulsing out of every pore,
drowns my heart in numbing bliss.
I think you should replace 'him' with the specific aspect of the 'him' that the MC wants to inhale, if that makes sense. I know it sounded really wordy, but what I'm trying to say is that the MC seems to desire a specific part of him, and saying 'him' is more vague and general than I think you want it to be, as the author. Also, instead of 'sent', it should be 'His toxic scent.'

The Fates, three, cackle
"you will not come out alive"

In this game, no one survives.
It seems more natural to say 'The Three Fates cackle, saying 'You will not come out alive." Since 'cackling' is technically referring to a laugh, there should be a 'saying' verb there. And since it's the end of a thought, a period feels more natural. Flawless final sentence. No complaints there.

Overall, this was a really amazing poem about twisted love, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. You used very vivid and colorful descriptions, yet your poem was still succinct and to-the-point, not overly wordy or flowery. It was one of the best poems I've ever read, and I could really feel the emotions in this poem. Amazing job on this, and as always, if you have any questions, I'd be glad to answer them.

Please tag me when you publish future poems!

MJ




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364 Reviews


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 3:49 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello LadyLoki! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Young and bold, his
{t}rickster eyes hold me{,}
clutched in his unforgiving {gaze}. {**screams in Loki**}

Gnarled branches ensnare me,
thick and twisted. Oiled corvid feathers
brush angrily against my snowy skin. {WOAH I LOVE THIS STANZA}

His frozen grip rips at my soul{,}
clawing conquest over me, {him}
unaware how freely I would give it.

I fall further, deeper into
his poisoned forest{, w}here
painted flowers devour {i}nnocents,

{where} the earth is in the sky,
and the stars kiss my feet.
This is where I long to be.

The {c}orvid caws, the {w}olf leaps. {**screams in Fenris**}
His glossy wings envelop me.
My master, my Snorok King{.}

{D}ipped in purest gold,
painted in the skins of
dark and cunning serpents. {Flowing-wise, this stanza is a bit weird.}

I breathe him in. His toxic s{c}ent,
pulsing out of every pore,
drowns my heart in numbing bliss.

The Fates {three} cackle{,}
"{Y}ou will not come out alive{.}" {**screams in Greek mythology**}

{For i}n this game, no one survives.


My interpretation:



This seems like a poem about poisoned love. The allusions and metaphors and everything that talks about poison and toxins but how you love it makes me think that.

Overall:



This is beautiful.

Like, seriously beautiful.

This is your first work on here?

Wow.

I don't have any more words.

Just... wow. Great job and keep writing. Tag me when your next piece comes out, okay? Okay.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Tuckster says...


YOU STOLE THE (HOPEFULLY) QUICK REVIEW THING FROM ME NO FAIR



zaminami says...


nO I DIDNT IVE BEEN DOING IT SINCE SEPTEMBER




The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz