Her heart beat so frantically that it burst from it's cavity in her chest, causing blood to spew from beneath her protruding collar bones. A shocked gasp emerged from her colorless lips as she clutched at her chest, though it was too late. Her enlarged eyes rested on the wettening pavement in front of her. There, lay a still beating heart. She fell forward, tears falling from her eyes and painful sobs caused her body to tremble. Rough wet coughs merged into her sobbing as sering pain balled into her chest.
She reached forward slowly and clutched what was once hers and attempted to place it back within where it once belonged, but she had already healed. The hollowness inside of her, the lifeless echo of her cries made her completely sure of it. She sobbed harder, louder, shook with pain and yelled out in frustration. All the while holding the beating heart, her beating heart, against her bloodied chest.
She knew not what to do. Such siituations, one would think instant death, but not for her. She slowly felt the numbness, the emptiness inside changing who she was. Inhale... No beat. Exhale... Empty. Again and again she tried to create a heart beat that would never start, because her heart was there, clutched firmly in her small hands. Inhale... Exhale... Still nothing.
She wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist and stood. She began walking towards the thicket of trees to her right. She was almost out of the city, her legs, when she ran, took her where they wanted to go, and at this moment, she was pleased they had done so. It wasn't long before she picked a tree and began to dig at it's roots. She encountered an arrangement of different crawling insects, some she knew names of, others she did not. Normally, such things would cause her to scream, flail about and turn in circles swatting them away, but this wasn't normal. So she continued to dig with her hands until she was satisfied with the deepness of the hole. Then, she pulled her checkered blue flannel off and wrapped her heart in the cloth. She placed large rocks at the bottom of the hole, and placed her heart on top.
For a moment, it seemed as if all had stopped as she put smaller rocks atop the bundle. Inhale...Exhale... Once the hole was filled in beneath the tree everything went into over drive. Hyperventilation, more sobbing, trembling, screaming, rolling, kicking, and coughing. It hurt to do such motions. Inhale... Exhale... Still nothing.
Her eyes continued to drain tears as she lay quietly beneath the tree, realzing it was a weeping willow tree. Ironic, she thought to herself that she'd be doing just that. The weeping.
Slowly, she sighed and closed her eyes, paying more attention to what was around her and beneath her, instead of the gaping hole she felt inside. She listened to the wind rustle the branches of near by trees. She could hear the willow sway, birds chirping and their wings fluttering. She felt the damn soil beneath her bare back, having only been wearing a tank top beneath her flannel. The scent of just having a fresh rain wafted around her, though she was sure it was just the richness and nutrients in the soil she was smelling. And the insects, their tiny feet padding against the dark soil and across her skin, causing a light shiver to pass through her.
Inhale... Exhale...
How nice it would be to not have a care, but to just be part of nature. Beautiful like the weeping willow, yet represenintg that sad, melancholy feeling she held inside. And so she became what she wanted. She lay beneath that tree until her body could no longer bare the cold, or the lack of nutrients and released her spirit, which entered the tree who invited her like an old friend.
This was her true purpose. She could feel her own heart beat again, the roots of the tree having grown and wrapped around the heart in a protective manner. Small insects making the cloth their home. She smiled internally, truly finding the happiness she had never had.
Inhale... Exhale...
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140,664 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
Since my fellow YWS friends have already corrected your little mistakes, I would just like to say that this is a beautiful piece. I could almost feel her pain, and I could smell the soil underneath the tree. I simply adore your work. Great job.
Welcome to YWS!
This was good! I liked that it's a purely metaphorical story, kind of like The Metamorphosis.
Nitpicks/Comments
Completely sure of what? I think you mean her chest healing, but it’s not clear.
While your piece isn’t very informal, this part still clashes. “She did not know what to do” would be better.
You could consider taking out the last sentence and “showing” it instead by saying, “Her legs began walking…”
Sorry to be so picky, but that’s not irony. Irony is something surprisingly contradictory. (like, oh look, I’m laughing under a weeping willow!) But you could leave it as is, or you could say “how appropriate” or something instead.
Did you mean “damp”? ; )
This part is pretty unnecessary, since it just tells us what you show later on.
General
You have a lot of good things going on here. You have a unique idea, some good description, a great ending, and a poetic quality from the repetition of "inhale, exhale." But like any piece of writing ever written, it could be better.
Your title is good, if a little obvious. However, "Inhale Exhale" doesn't really seem right without some punctuation. You could do "Inhale... Exhale..." like in the story, or "Inhale, Exhale" or "Inhale/Exhale."
You do have good description, but I think you could challenge yourself to make it better. I don't mean you should describe more things, but you should find ways to make your description more interesting. Given the mysterious and surreal nature of your story, it's especially suited to more unusual description. For example, you have "She listened to the wind rustle the branches of nearby trees." Everybody writes about rustling tree branches. How could you change that so it's something no one's ever written before, something that's yours, is different, stands out?
Lunatic mentioned your overuse of "she" and "her" and I agree. I don't think you have to give her a name, but you just need to be aware of your "shes" and "hers" and make sure you're not using them when they're not absolutely necessary. For example, in the paragraph that begins "Slowly, she sighed" you tell us she's paying attention to her surroundings. Because of that, you don't have to say "she listened," "she could hear," "she felt." You can just describe her surroundings and we'll know she's feeling and hearing them.
I mentioned "show, don't tell" in my nitpicks. You've heard of that, right? If you haven't, here's an article. You "tell" us a lot of her emotions.
Great job and keep writing! If you have any questions on my review or YWS, let me know!
Prolix
Interesting... This feels dark but alive at the same time.
The two first paragraphs sucked me in
The first sentence in paragraph three is awkward.
" She knew not what to do."should change to "She didn't know what to do."
There are some spelling errors that can be easily fixed.
realzing = realizing
represenintg = representing
You were probably just typing fast.
I like that your put humor with the weeping and the weeping willow.
Even though you're already good with sentence variation, I wish I saw less "she" and "her". I thought a name for the character would fix that but perhaps it's better that she remains nameless since she ends up being a tree.
In all, this was nice ^^ Happiness in nature.