Chapter 2 - Bells
"No, but... It's so...pretty..." Jashir looks back at the light. His eyes fix on it and he begins to move as if in a trance, no longer seeking assistance. He walks into Fern Grove with a new and alarming confidence, and the trees slowly begin to close around him as if called upon. Leikin can now only see a red glow where the light was. In the distance there is a quiet but eerie sound, a tinkling that can't quite be heard correctly. It however isn't the focus of Leikin’s thoughts.
Jashir's strange actions immediately alarm his companion. Jashir hates that forest, why would he head towards it with such ambition? Leikin queries, "Hey! Where are you going?"
Getting no reply from his courteous friend, he becomes even more distressed- running after Jashir now. "Jashi hey, at least let me catch up!" He decides to follow him, maybe he knows the way after all.
Leikin gets to the edge of the forest before he sees Jashir's figure disappear into the mist. His blue eyes widen as he tries to squeeze through the ever diminishing space between the rough barked trees. This isn't Jashir he thinks to himself, Jashir needs help.
He is desperate now clawing and fighting with the trees as they close in on him. This is my fault. I sent Jashi in there. He paws at the ferns and saplings uselessly his strength building with every sobering thought of the past. Reflections of a lone wood elf playing in the meadow go through his head, large for his age and blonde. A brightly colored chap who couldn't hide in a tree if he wanted too.
Leikin pauses taking a deep breath and allowing the memories to drive him. That boy was him, the same boy who was sneaking into taverns at sixteen to drown his sorrows behind the barkeeps back two long years ago. The same boy who snuck into a high elf encampment to try to fit in with anyone, even his race's most hated rivals. It was he who found Jashir alone in his studies. A small dark-toned high elf, outed from the social groups. His obvious differences were a familiar trope, in him Leikin found a new friend. The only person he ever truly needed.
I am getting Jashir out again. He breaks through the twisted branches with a last minute effort. They rip at his clothes as he runs into the Grove of trees. He arrives only to see a shred of Jashi's fine blue tunic in the underbrush. As the light dances on further ahead of him. No, no I can make it to him!
He grabs the shred of cloth and continues in the direction of the red glow that is dimly moving ahead of him, panting he yells "Jashi! Jashi stop! Jashi, wait! This doesn't feel right!" Something is wrong.
He keeps following the dancing light dragging his heavy clothes and tired body through the muck, trudging and fighting through the thorns. The tinkling sound grows lighter as he goes further into the dark forest, and the light fades. He can no longer tell if it's even daylight outside the canopy.
If I can just get a little closer... At one point he almost reaches Jashir's hand. He has to keep moving ahead. Jashir can't walk this far without stopping, my legs burn already. He's never been as fit as me.
It seems everything in the forest is trying to block Leikin now. Every bush and vine is pulling at his aching limbs, yet not one plant succeeds as he pushes through.
The light goes out ahead of him and the sound fades but he keeps running after Jashir. He pushes one thought to the front of his mind in denial or hope he's not sure. Jashir needs help, he needs my help he is lost, he's lost his mind. He finally falls prey to exhaustion, tripping over what he acknowledges as a log. He has failed. He has lost Jashi. The only friend he had left in the world, his soul is downcast as he falls into a deep slumber.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
reboot
Hello Gem,
I'm back with another review!
No, Jashir! Don't follow the red light!
This chapter starts off with a bang. Immediately, the conflict arises and the readers are sucked into it again.
Theory:
Spoiler
I would add a comma between light and his eyes because that indicated a pause. Also, I don't think you can start a sentence with a word that ends in -ing, so we can reword that.
I would add more commas throughout the chapter, like these two:
Add a comma before "but" since it is a conjunction, joining two independent clauses.
Add a comma after "help."
Whenever Leikin thinks, the words should be italicized. It makes it easier to follow.
No, Leikin! You can't give up!
My heart is breaking.
(Overall, this was a great second chapter!)
Athena
Thank you <3
Hi Gem! I'm back for Chapter 2 <3
Leikin is immediately alarmed by Jashir's strange actions. Jashir hates that forest why would he head towards it like that? "Hey! Where are you going?"
There's barely any dialogue in this chapter, which I actually think is a good thing, since it balances out the previous one really nicely! I also like how to compensate for such little conversation we get to see Leikin's thoughts.
(Speaking of his thoughts, I have a stylistic suggestion about those - I think it would make it easier to read if they were italicized. That's because a lot of the time you'll have Leikin thinking about "he/him" (Jashi) and then you'll switch back to the narrator's view and have "he/him" be referring to Leikin. So if it was italicized, that would probably clear up a bit of the pronoun confusion, if that makes sense. In the spoiler below I put all the spots that should be italicized if you decide to do that.)
Spoiler
This isn't Jashir he thinks to himself, Jashir needs help.
This is my fault. I sent Jashi in there.
I am getting Jashir out again.
No, no I can make it to him!
Jashir needs help he needs my help he is lost, he's lost his mind.
(This is a stylistic choice though so if you prefer it how it is then that's up to you!)
Now onto some other stuff ~
*disappear
Nuuuu Jashi come back it isn't safe in there!
Technically this should either be "and allows" or just "[comma] allowing".
I also really like that we get a bit of background about Leikin and Jashi in the following paragraph!
I'm pretty sure trudgy isn't a word. Maybe you could try "mucky sludge" or something like that instead?
I love this description, it works really well to set the mood.
This is super teeny, but that E should be lowercase
Nuuuuuu Leikin Jashiiiiiii </33333333
All in all, I think this chapter does a good job of developing Leikin's character! You also do a good job of describing the setting which is great! My main critique for this chapter is pretty nitpicky, and would just be italicizing Leikin's thoughts.
I hope this is useful! Can't wait to see what happens in Chapter 3
Loonz <3
Thank you. and oop I docter suessed a word....
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm...lovely bit of action in this one...got a tad repetitive there towards the end a little...I'll tell you what I mean down there. Besides that, great place to divulge a bit of backstory there, it meshed well enough I think without too much info dumpiness although it did sort of sit on the fence there for a bit. Aaand that's it on first impression.
Let's get right to them nitpicks,
Hmm... lovely place to star there. That second sentence might be a sentence fragment though, it doesn't have a subject. You'll have to ass that to the previous one or rephrase it a bit.
Great tension building there.
I love the slow buildup here. Pretty well done.
So this bit of backstory it pretty seamless. This kind of stuff is okay to have. But later things start getting dangerous.
So here's where things get dodgy. Its not approaching info dump levels but the issue is that we're in the middle of this intense chase and then this happens. Maybe two lines of these memories would be fine otherwise things get a little bit interrupted and the tension drains off a bit. This might make more sense towards the end where he is giving up the chase and then he remembers those last few lines. Just my suggestion there because I think the overall flow would benefit from that.
So here's what I meant with repetitiveness. All three paragraphs are describing him going after Jashir with different things to accompany it. I get like maybe doing it twice to show how he's just continuously following but three times is a bit much. I think if you just mention it once or maximum twice and then simply leave the other descriptions it wouldn't sound quite as repetitive as it sounds at the moment at least when I read it that's the feeling I got...this might be different for others.
So here that bit of backstory might serve a better purpose. But other than that it's an awesome ending that you have here. Definitely building a ton of suspense.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Okay overall I really like where this is going. It's got a really nice fantasy/mystery vibe to it and I love that stuff.
I must know what happens to JashirSo far I love the characterization, Leikin has a very distinct personality from what I've seen so far and that's nice to see at the start of a story. And there seems to be some worldbuilding in the background which is quite solid so far. Plot wise this is a great place to start....let's see how things go.Spoiler
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you. <3
Hello!
VioletFantasy here to give you a quick review. I really am enjoying your novel so far! It is so thrilling and full of action, especially this chapter. You wrote such vivid imagery to describe the forest and how it is fighting against Leikin(I love this name by the way!! It reminds me of lichen). I could feel my heart pounding as I waited to read whether he reaches Jashir(Another cool name!) in time. Sadly, Jashir Is swallowed up by the forest. That does leave the readers on a cliffhanger though, and it promises a good adventure for us to read in the future chapters.
I greatly enjoyed Jashir and Leikin’s relationship. They pretend like they aren’t that close by teasing and making fun of each. They clearly mean a lot to each other though, after seeing Leikin desperately trying to save him. Jashir is Leikin’s first friend, and that is a hard bond to break. I can’t wait to read more about them!!
I have one little grammar critique for this sentence:
I think this sentence could use a comma between “now” and “clawing”. This would split it up a little more and make it easier to read. Other than that, I have no complaints! Good job! I will definitely be waiting excitedly for the next chapter!!
I put a lot of thought into the names and yes lichen was an inspiration for Leikin. I have updates on my wall with the tag # TheFinders. I am glad to have someone so very interested in my series. :>
'Ello again!
First thing I have to mention, this is wild. The descriptive words mixed with the action of Jashir really draw a portrait of where we are in the story. There is definitely something going on, and my guess is evil faeries because last chapter and the slight bits of magic referenced (e.g. The vines blocking Leikin, the red lights, and Jashir acting like he is under a spell.)
Reading this is complicated. There are some small pov changes. One sentence is 3rd person and talking about everyone as a narrator, and then a few more over we are in Leikin's head and he's talking about Jashir as a friend. I honestly like both povs, but changing between two of them like that gets hard to read through in some areas.
This is also kind of heartbreaking because of how Leikin feels about Jashir. If I were in his shoes I'd react the same way. It isn't too emotional, but it also isn't plain and simple, so it's a nice mix of all these emotions. I can't wait to read through chapter 3 and see what happens to everyone and the storyline.
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Some grammar things down here:
"His blue eyes widen as he tries to squeeze through the ever diminishing space between the trees. "
I think it's "ever-diminishing."
"He finally falls prey to exhaustion, tripping over what he aknowkledges as a log."
I also think it's "acknowledges."
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Wow, this is awesome - Keep writing!
Axi
Thank you! <3