z

Young Writers Society


12+

Delta - 2

by Brigadier


December 20, 4140

6:30 am

Maybe it was too early in the morning for spaghetti but it was also supposed to be too early in the morning for arson and alcohol. Those two had already been taken care of by Harry and Robe, so it wasn’t that much of a step farther to have pasta and lettuce.

Robe reluctantly let the valet at Fiacre’s park the Auburn, fearing the Zinnian henchman would purposely wreck it just because he was a cop. He expressed this concern and was soon silenced.

“But he might, Harry. You never know what Ita might have told him to do.”

“If Ita had told him to torture us, we would be hanging upside down from a pipe right now. They don’t see your car as an extension of your body, they just see it as a car.”

“I don’t know. What if-”

“Shut it. We’re gonna go inside, eat breakfast and get paid.”

“And return the flare gun.”

“And that.”

Inside there were more patrons that to be expected, but as they walked in and headed to a booth in the corner, they quickly realized these people were all here to serve as witnesses. This hadn’t been a come alone matter, but it certainly wasn’t anything important enough to justify this many people. The mobsters were packed into every seat on the first floor and a few peered over the banister above.

“What do you think we did, Harry?”

“I don’t know and I certainly don’t want to know either.”

Harry slid first into the booth, going against the corner so she would have a good view of the people so patiently watching them. Robe took the same side, sitting partially on the bench, one leg outstretched and his left hand already on the holster.

They were prepared, no matter what anyone tried to pull. With no server in sight, the conversation fell to discussing the mischief that the people around them could pull. In all likelihood, they would probably get shot. This type of mob was rarely creative and preferred to go with methods that they knew would always work. If the gun misfired or jammed, then they would move on down the line to the next gun or knife, it was as simple as that.

But still, it was fun to think of different scenarios.

After ten minutes, a small salad and a plate of bread was sat in front of each of them.

“I can’t believe it’s not butter.”

“Yes you can, Robe. It’s pretty damn easy to believe that’s just margarine.”

“All butter on this planet is fake butter.”

After another ten minutes of scenarios, their food came. They didn’t order it, they were just always served the same thing every time. A small plate of pasta with one scoop of the famous family’s sauce, nothing too fancy but not a stale, moldy piece of bread, either. This was a prediction of the meeting to come. It always followed the same script.

Five minutes eating their breakfasts, the duo would be “graced” by the presence of Ita, who would momentarily call off some of her watchdogs. The burly men would move out of the booths and the snipers would back off from the windows. All that stayed then were the bare necessity protection crew, which was still 50 people but a modest number compared to the welcome party.

This morning, like any other, they were graced by Ita’s presence. She slid into opposite side of the booth and with a whistle and a wave, some henchmen backed away.

“You know guys, I’m always very impressed with your work.”

Ita tilted her head more into the light and slid a well-manicured hand, with long red fingernails, over one of Harry’s slightly grease stained hands.

“And Harry, you look as beautiful as ever, darling. Even with that pale hairdo.”

“Well, Ita, I was more in the mood for arson and spaghetti, than strapless bras and gin.”

“So you leave it up to Robe to be the fashionista, again?”

Robe glanced between the two for a second, thinking about possibly entering the conversation. But then he also started to wonder if the restroom excuse would allow him to leave long enough to avoid bloodshed.

“Hmm. No response from him. I didn’t know that you hired mutes these days.”

“And I didn’t know that you knew how to fire an actual chef.”

“Are you trying to say something about the cooking?”

“Just that the sauce tastes a bit off and I know your head chef was recently found in a gutter.

“If you’re just going to sit here and insult me, maybe you should just take your money and leave.”

Another whistle and another wave, brought over a tall man in a pinstriped suit. He wore the classic mobster uniform, from the handmade Italio black leather shoes to the golden pendants of Francis and Muerte around his neck. And also to the handgun ready in its holster, next to the three extra clips and two specialty silencers.

He produced a small bag, sat it on the table and moved to his boss’s right hand.

“This is the amount we agreed upon. Thirty thousand, fifteen thousand each, for the destruction of the warehouse and the property inside. To cover your costs for the fuel, there’s an extra five grand. If you have any other expenses that you’d like to report and get paid for, tell me now. Anthony will issue your receipt.”

Harry gave one side glance to Robe. Even if they did have any other expenses to report, only a fool would ask for more money in this scenario.

“Nope, that’s it. It’s a pleasure doing business as always.”

The man identified as Anthony leaned down to his boss once more and exchanged a few words.

“Oh, and I almost forgot. Not a part of your contract but here’s a couple of boxes of cannoli for your trouble.”

Harry tucked the flare gun further into her belt and stood up saying,

“None of us need the sweets.”

“Harry, leave the gun, take the cannoli.”


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378 Reviews


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Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:49 am
Omni wrote a review...



Hey Lizz! Back for another review ^^ I’m still a little sick (something like a serious 24 hour bug) but I wanted to see how much I could review of this. Apologies in advance if none of this makes sense.

I like your intro paragraph! It’s a reasonable suggestion to get some spaghetti in the morning. As a side note, your “farther” should be “further”. Here’s a nifty little guide.

Okay, so I’m confused here, did they know they were walking into a trap when they wanted to get some food (because Harry is suspicious that someone is out to get her car) or did they just knowingly walk into a mobster trap? OH okay are they working for mobs? I’ll keep reading to understand this.

So, is there some kind of food shortage in this world? Because, the comment that the food wasn’t great but also wasn’t a moldy piece of bread makes me wonder if it actually means that there’s not a lot of “good” food on this planet.

Okay, so they’re working for this mob, got it. Or, at least, working a deal with Ita. You had a bit of tense change in the middle there, and some of this, especially in the beginning, was confusing for me to read. The dialogue seems off too. I would to see more of the personalities with these characters. So far, the most I’ve seen is that Harry loves impersonating a 30s type character (which most of this town enjoys doing as well). I know we’re only two chapters in, but characters can get personalities within a page. The world you have set up here is much more interesting than the characters within it right now. Can’t wait to read more ^^




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Sun Aug 26, 2018 11:05 pm
SubSubLibrarian wrote a review...



Okay, this was better. There should probably still be more building in chapter one, but the humor in this chapter was obvious. I'm also confused about what Harry actually is. Is she a detective, a vigilante, or a mercenary? It's unclear.

There were some mistakes. Most I think were just typos, just random words left out. For that you should just go through it yourself and poke around for any errors. It's not that important, as far as the story itself goes. This chapter could maybe use a little more detail too. Some parts were good, like the description of the mobster, but other parts were too sparse.

I'm trying to review as many of your chapters as I can today, so I'm sorry if the reviews are a bit short. If you have any questions...




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Tue Aug 21, 2018 2:11 am
SirenCymbaline wrote a review...



First off, sorry I took way too long to get onto reviewing these. That's on me.
Secondly, damn. I like this chapter so much I might just have a hard time doing actual critique. I decided to skip reviewing the first chapter to avoid reiterating the opinions I left on the LMS thread, but with that said, tell me if you still really want feedback on that chapter, and I'll go back.

Right, impressions. I still like the strong dymanic between Robe and Harry.
Harry's grumpy energy is offset nicely by Robe's more laidback sensibility.
But you remember not to have the same one be the voice of wisdom all the time, which makes their conversations feel organic.

You're painting a nice clear picture of what this mob is like, and what their social rules are like. I really get the impression that they're not to be messed with, which gets me interested in later scenes with them.
Particularly Anthony, of course. The dialogue, paired with the concise yet detailed description of his outfit and weapon illustrate him as a refined, somewhat playful, but seriously dangerous guy. The extra clips and supressor are a nice touch to show us that he's the type who likes to be prepared.

Dammit, I reread the chapter again and I still got nothing to complain about.
...I hope that was still helpful in some way. I'll try to be more balanced in the next chapter.




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Sun Jul 29, 2018 10:35 pm
tgirly wrote a review...



Hi, Ladybird!

Oh my gosh, I LOVED the 'I can't believe it's not butter' reference so much! That was quality content!!

You did a really good job of describing the emotional energy of this setting, ie how tense the two characters are, but how it's also part of their jobs, and they find ways to laugh it off and make light of the tension. I would have liked it if a bit more work would have went in to the description of the restaurant itself; all I know is that it's a two-level restaurant and there's a lot of people (maybe aliens too?) in it, but I still couldn't QUITE picture it, especially since it is on a different planet. It's hard to tell how similar this place is supposed to be to Earth.

It seemed a bit odd to me that the Italian culture was so unchanged after 2000 years and moving to a different planet. Like I know culture is often passed down generation to generation, but I think especially during location changes, some change to the way the culture is understood or performed occurs. They just fit the Italian mobster trope to a T a bit too much for the setting.

I would like to know more about how Harry and Robe ended up working for the mobsters. Obviously, there a bit uncomfortable with it, but it's hard to tell if they're conflicted or what they're motivation is. I hope this is revealed in later chapters. The sooner the reader can understand a character's motivation, the sooner they can become fully emotionally invested in the conflict.

Overall, this is a fantastic continuation of the story, though I'm still not sure about the person who got shot in the first chapter. I loved the detail about the cook being shot, it showed just how high the stakes are. I can't wait to see how this shakes down!

-tgirly




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Sun Jul 15, 2018 11:49 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



*another wild Godfather reference appears*

(just wait because you're probably going to expect me to say that in every chapter but soon enough you'll get to references I won't catch)

(I should probably watch the Godfather before we get to that point)

(is it on Filmstruck? hmmm)

Harry slid first into the booth, going against the corner so she would have a good view of the people so patiently watching them.


Times I was Harry. Dad always said it was an Italian thing, sitting with our backs to the wall and our fronts to the door so we can see anyone who wants to shoot us. #mafiaconnections

I like Ita's character in this chapter because I like how on the one hand she's a cold-hearted mafioso (mafiosa?) but on the other hand she offers them sweets (but to be fair she could be trying to Poison Them or something, I don't know her well enough yet) and gives them five grand extra in payment to cover the fuel, which to be honest, depending on how bad inflation is this far in the future, might be really generous.

Although to be fair I also have no clear idea on fuel costs, in particular how much fuel it takes to burn down an entire warehouse and its contents.

I'm also curious because Ita's name was mentioned in the last chapter in a way that makes me wonder what kind of history might there between Harry and Ita.

and now for something completely different

Image

(Martin Freeman has literally the best facial expressions and I'm still mad that he was utterly wasted in such a bad adaptation of The Hobbit when he's the only actor who could play Bilbo so well.)





Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
— Adrian Mitchell