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#24 - controversially

by LordWolf



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Sun Feb 24, 2019 2:09 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Lizz - I'm having a difficult time understanding this poem on multiple levels - but wanted to throw an interpretation out there and see what you have to say.

Interpretation

1. - could just be like a "did you ever think" moment where the speaker is trying to make the reader think about rain // and then realize the connection between something beautiful and something that's a hassle. It's poetic, but also almost satirical - like "you don't care much about precipitation when it's beautiful, but when it's inconvenient you pay a lot of attention to it. Which can be drawn to a larger metaphor about how people pay more attention to things that are annoying like driveways full of snow.

2. - there's also a sort of poetic turn here, where the poem could be a commentary on like, there's lots of poems about raindrops - it's become cliche, so why do people write about it, if people care so little about it - this fits better with the title being "controversially" - because it pokes fun at people who would use metaphors like rain in their poetry, and ask them to maybe consider that what's important is less delicate and more clunky (literally and figuratively).
^^ if the second is the interpretation you were going for, I think it might be interesting if you did a more drawn out version of this - where you really lean into the clicheness of the rain drops even more and then make the final stanza more direct too.

I'm curious to hear your thoughts on both of those.

You might draw out the contrast more between the delicate raindrops and drive ways full of snow with italics or different formatting / because the only difference right now in form is the hyphen that adds a bit of clunkyness to the last stanza.



Flow
Overall if you read this poem as a sentence, I think that the word "may" and "just" get in the way.

"Can you imagine how little the average person cares about raindrops carefully falling off petals and drive-was full of snow?"

sounds less clunky in my mind than

"can you imagine how little the average person may care about rain drops carefully falling off petals and just drive - ways full of snow".

This might be too much, but I also wondered for a bit why the dash at the end is like uncompleted. There's a little break in there if you look closely "___________ ____"
- is that supposed to signify road lines, a drive way with snow in the gap, is the hyphen between "drive" and "ways" the missing link? So many options, or maybe it was just a typo. I think if you intended it to be imagery I'd put a complimentary one at the top so that readers are forced to see it.


Overall it's a thoughtful little piece, but not one that I think I've "solved" as far as meaning yet.

-alliyah

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Sun Feb 24, 2019 1:44 am
OofOof1 wrote a review...



Hello ladybird, I am here to review your story and help you out.

Okay, so I really like your nice poem, it was a great idea to write this. So, this poem is a short one, that is one of the reasons I like it. I love short and sweet stuff.

Flow

Okay, so I saw not that much flow in this story (that doesn't mean that I didn't see any). Also I had to read this poem again to clearly understand it, why, because that is how poetry is, so that's good.
Honestly I don't understand the purpose of this story or poem much, I will have to read it again.

Overall

Overall your poem is very elegant, and it had some words I really do not know how to spell so thank you for helping me with my spelling. All I can say is great job. Also, did you know there's a really long word that means awesome. It's called supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. That's how I describe your poem, again great job.




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Sun Feb 03, 2019 11:11 pm
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fraey wrote a review...



Hello Lizz. I really like this poem, so I want to give you some sort of nice feedback.

I really enjoy short poems that have some form of a message, which this certainly has, alongside a nice little combination of figurative and more literal language.

To speak more on this, we can look at this poem line by line (of sorts.) The idea of a question being the poem itself is interesting to explore and see in different forms, but sometimes it does work better than in other instances. Here, I really like that one can almost see this winding down piece by piece.

Language:

With this poem starting on a "direct" note, and this ending with a form of imagery is fun to read and let it almost form in one's mind. I do enjoy having more relative terms instead of either something with a super complicated vocabulary or so non-figurative that it sounds like a weird form of preaching that I don't quite care for.

This poem has a few things going for it - a question that drew my attention and then some nice personification ("drops carefully falling off") is just so pleasing to picture for me. I really like that image of like a single flower caught in the rain with houses covered in snow. It's just soft and troubling at the same time (the start of the poem discussing what people pay attention to) and it's a very neat thing to go over.

Flow:

Clearly, this is short, but I do appreciate what words the lines end on (little, about) and I think those breaks guide the reader smoothly through every short little burst of wonder. Drawing a picture in the reader's mind is a fun thing to be able to do, regardless of how long or short a poem is - and I think the short stanzas work wonders in simply adding to that image of a world of whether people care or not.

Overall:

(Ok, I probably didn't help much at all, but I really did like this poem and wanted to give you something about this.)

However, I really do appreciate short poems like this one that seems so concise and leave an interesting thought for the reader to stew over for a bit. Very nicely done Lizz.

<3





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