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18+ Language Mature Content

#22

by LordWolf


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.


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141 Reviews


Points: 2873
Reviews: 141

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Sun Jan 27, 2019 7:26 pm
Junel wrote a review...



Hey there! This poem is beautiful. You are able to clearly show not just the story but also the emotions of your work.

I personally feel there are two very different types of poetry, one is a little less straight forward and could be called more 'complex'. This poem is the second type where you don't go around the subject but write about it clearly and name it clearly. Sometimes people see this as a simpler and easier way to write, but I disagree with seeing that be that open and real with your thought can be just as difficult. Additionally when done right there is still plenty of ways to make it 'complex'. Anyway, you were able to do everything perfectly for this type of poem, making it a heartful read.

My only nitpick/suggestion (which you can totally ignore if you wish) is the format. I personally find this the hardest part of poetry and although I liked some parts of yours it also seemed to take away from the poem. The biggest problem is the way you split your stanzas into lines. I personally felt they were oddly placed and it took away from the flow. There is nothing wrong with splitting a sentence when writing poetry but where you split it still changes the way its read because there will be a small pause before the next line is read. I think reading this aloud yourself, or getting someone else to read it aloud would help you see where the pauses are good and where they might need adjusting.

Overall this is a wonderful piece of writing and I hope to see more works like it.

Sláinte -Junel




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110 Reviews


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Sat Jan 12, 2019 4:31 pm
LordStar wrote a review...



ok i guess i'm gonna review this because i love you and i love this poem

first off i really really like the second stanza, set apart from the rest because it shows a fear that's a bit different than the overall theme of the poem. i like the imagery of the subject being the 'duct tape' for your mistakes. The stanza shows your fear of not wanting to mess whatever it is you have with the subject up. i also love that it starts out with the one word, 'sweetheart', setting up the theme of the poem and making it very clear who the poem is addressed to.

i also really love the juxtaposition of what you want vs. what the subject of the poem wants. the single line, 'fuck', both what the subject wants and an exclamation.

I don't really have any suggestions for you on how to make this better, but maybe i'm biased haha. as always with your poetry, this was a delight to read, especially because it's about me :)

of course keep writing,

oliver <3




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110 Reviews


Points: 181
Reviews: 110

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Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:32 pm
LordStar says...



i do absolutely love this <3





Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and the shadows will fall beyond you.
— Walt Whitman