Published December 22, 2013
It is March third, 1348
and you have become my dearly departed
I have lived, and I have laughed
and of course I have loved
But most importantly I have lost
and with you, I cannot do without
My tears are frozen in place
as your name is carved in stone
I will not cry
I will not yet chase what is to come
Thump thump
The bodies are dropping
all around me is death
theres coughing, so much coughing
inflamed lymph nodes
and abnormal scratching
its unbearable
I sit back, and watch
theres nothing I can do
Gedesheliac is on his own
I blame the rats
they carry this epidemic
the apocalypse has just begun
As I saw the terror in your eyes
the blood on your mouth
and the lump on your neck
what I must do became clear
the chair underneath my feet
and the rope around my neck
it is time to let go
it is time to fall
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139,079 Literary Works • 672,405 Reviews
Hi there! I'm here to review =)
*shivers* This is a very dark poem. I expected it to be, when I read the summary, but wow. Truly captivating. You have skills in evoking emotion!
Now I'll point out some things that I caught. Things that either don't make sense or possibly need editing. I'll also point out punctuation errors. Don't worry, though, there doesn't seem to be too many! I'll make suggestions that you can take or just plainly ignore. It's cool either way!
Let's begin =)
This line comes off as awkward to me and I don't know why. Are you saying "I will not (cry) but chase what is to come"? If so, then I'd remove the word "yet" and replace it with "but." So it can be: "I will not but chase what is to come."
To be honest, I don't know what it means to "sit bit." Did you make a mistake here? Were you only trying to write "I sit, and watch"? If so, then I'd remove the word "bit." Or you can maybe say "I sit still and watch." I'm kind of on the fence with your use of a comma here, so because I'm unsure I won't tell you to remove it. I might just be thinking too hard about it, which is nothing new =P
I don't know if you mean to capitalize the word "theres." I think you do, because you're sort of starting a new sentence, a new line. If that's the case, then I'd go, "There's coughing, so much coughing." I'll also point out that there needs to be an apostrophe in the word "theres" so it can be "There's." You're saying "There is/There's."
Using its means you're showing possession. Here, you are trying to say, "It is unbearable." If that's true, then try, "It's unbearable." I also capitalized the "I" for personal reasons. I don't know if this is the kind of poem where you don't want everything capitalized.
Apostrophe again. "There's"
Nitpicking: OVER
So I really enjoyed this poem. I feel like there could be some more punctuation here and there, but then again, I don't know what kind of "style" you're going for here. It's all up to you! =) Nice job!
awsome
It is March third, 1348
and you have become my dearly departed
I have lived, and I have laughed
and of course I have loved
But most importantly I have lost
and with you, I cannot do without
My tears are frozen in place
as your name is carved in stone
I will not cry
I will not yet chase what is to come
Thump thump
The bodies are dropping
all around me is death
theres coughing, so much coughing
inflamed lymph nodes
and abnormal scratching
its unbearable
I sit bit, and watch
theres nothing I can do
Gedesheliac is on his own
I blame the rats
they carry this epidemic
the apocalypse has just begun
As I saw the terror in your eyes
the blood on your mouth
and the lump on your neck
what I must do became clear
the chair underneath my feet
and the rope around my neck
it is time to let go
it is time to fall
Hey there! AlexSushiDog here to review your poem on request
I would like to say that I have never heard of a poem on a plague before, I like it when the poet does something original and not something done a million times before! I also liked (as the person below said) the ending; very unexpected!
Just a few 'nit-picks':
I was uncomfortable with the lack of punctuation in this. Please note that you need some form of punctuation at the end of each line in a poem. You also need capitals at the start of each line.
It also makes it easier to read and look nicer if you break it up into stanzas, I can see you have done that where you have capitals but normally people leave a space.
Besides those minor problems this was a very good and original!
See ya!!!!
Woops dunno what happened there -_-
Oh wow, I absolutely did not expect the ending... Love it when writers make their pieces unpredictable. Well done.
The imagery created in your poem is described brilliantly and you managed to make it appear so vividly in the reader's mind it almost scarred my imagination when I read:
(Sorry, I hope I wrote this quote in correctly with all the codes and stuff...)
I just have two comments to make about the grammar and structure of the poem...
Be carefulwith your apostrophies! Its is possession and it's is it is (but I'm sure you know that, just got a bit distracted
Towards the end I think you need more punctuation. Don't forget commas or full stops at the end of verses. Also, it wouldn't hurt to put some paragraph breaks to separate your poem into stanzas.
Overall, great piece, keep writing!