Published October 20, 2010
To touch a childhood long forsaken
Where castles held up the sky.
No longer will the fingernail of God
Have to scratch reality aside.
A time I want, where smoke held the light in its grasp,
instead of being mere waste of fire.
That place I desire is where my every storm
were calmed by the music of her words.
When mud was a clothing I proudly wore,
and the sunlight the sweetest of kisses.
Before these moments where her words fade to tears
and my own dwell in them.
Where my arms were not pieces of tape
holding together her shards of glass.
When the trees and ground lurching around me
were products of a girl turned whirlwind;
not this eroding disease in this walking carcass.
To those time I believed I flew
through stars that held my hand.
When lines were just thin guides
but now are walls of a fortress high.
How I long to walk upon the wind,
turn this to a pale, cold dream;
knowing all of this to be
the correlation of a thin reality and everything else unseen.
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I really liked this poem. It put to mind a storm, or some sort of busy but gorgeous chaos. A typhoon perhaps? I liked the line of 'the lines in the notebook growing to be fortress walls'. Even though it was hard to tell what it was about sometimes, it's still one of my favorites
. Like I said, gorgeous.
Watch your subject-verb agreement. Speaking of verbs, you switch tenses constantly throughout this poem for no apparent reason. I suggest you keep the tenses more consistent, or at least rephrase so that the tense shifts make grammatical sense.
Speaking of which, why is almost every stanza split by a period? Why? It makes no grammatical sense, not to mention it disrupts the flow of ideas in the poem. The first stanza in particular suffers, and as the first stanza is the first thing your reader sees, such a break in the flow caused by the unnecessary period dropped smack dab in the middle of it is rather egregious.
Basically, what I'm saying is that poetry should follow the same conventions of grammar as regular prose unless there is a very good reason for it not to. I do not see a reason, and so I suggest that you adhere to punctuation conventions in this poem.
Another thing I noticed was the vagueness of this poem. You allude to things, but you never describe them. You rely upon nondescript descriptors such as "light" and "sweetest" and "cold" and ill-defined pronouns such as "this". What/where/when is "this"? To what extent is it cold? What kind of sweetness is it? What is the source of the light? Incorporating more details into your poem will help make it more concrete and easily visualized. Right now, I really can't visualize much of anything.
This line is just too long. I would suggest breaking it at "reality", except that would lead to a rhyme with the previous line, which would be jarring as there are no rhymes earlier on in the poem. Perhaps, in the course of expanding your poem with imagery, the accidental rhyme will no longer be an issue.
OK, absolutly love it! This is great! If you need me to review anything, just ask, I'd be more than happy to check it out(: Good luck and keep writing. ~Tab