Young Writers Society

She walked to me and sat besides me. Her ominous silence was unsettling. To my confusion, I realized that although a brush of sunlight washed over her face, her eyes remained dark black. The longer I stared at them, the darker they became. Out of a sudden, she smiled.

“I know about your deepest secret, Rafiq,” the girl with the ponytail whispered. Her chilly words were enough to raise my goosebumps. “The secret you are scared to tell. The one that only few trusted people know.”

It was an empty statement - but she sure hinted something that was real. I frowned. Which secret is she talking about? I have so many of them.

I remembered that we were not alone. There were two other students sitting opposite to us. I looked at them, and was glad to see those bookworms had their eyes glued to the novels they read. Besides them were two empty seats, which belonged to two more students; one of them was my dearest friend.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Syaz,” I said. I wanted my voice to be loud and clear, but instead it came out muffled. “Stop wasting your time spouting rubbish.”

I made a desperate mental list of people who shared my secret two years ago when I was in Form Four. They were my four trusted girl friends. I had warned them not to tell anyone about it. I knew they were reliable friends. Nonetheless, if I was to guess the one who told Syaz about my secret, it would be her.

“I’m not wasting my time and you know it,” she said. “You might wonder why I’m doing this. I’m bored, really, and you are the perfect person to entertain me.” The casualness in her tone when saying something that was very important and serious annoyed me. Did she really know it? I was tempted to challenge her to say the secret out loud, but I refrained.

“If you are right, you must heard it it from someone,” I said. “Who’s that someone?”

My question might triggered something in her because her eyes were no longer the same. Their reflections were back. She blinked them a few times, and gulped. Why? What happen? This person I trusted and was her source of secrets should be someone important to her. At least that was what I thought after seeing her reactions.

“I can’t tell you who. In fact, I shouldn’t tell you this,” she said.

Eh? I thought she was going to play with me like I was a toy she could manipulate however she wanted. Lowering my sight, I could see her clutching her hands. The table was turned around.

“She’s not ‘someone’... She’s my best friend. I won’t do anything against her,” she said. Her voice was too low for me to hear but not low enough.

I smiled. Although we rarely talked with each other for the past two years, I could understand her. This girl was not intimidating. She was just someone who tried to be one. When she realized she made a mistake, she fell apart like a fragile glass.

“Ah, but you have already did,” I said. I laid back. “By telling me this, you break your promise to her. She told you my secret when she knew I was against that. Just like you, she realized her mistake, and told you to keep it as a secret. She was your best friend, so naturally she valued you greatly and trusted the secrets she knew to you. You promised her you would keep the secret to yourself, and yet, here you are, sharing me the secret. That, my friend, is what we called ‘betrayal’. It’s the worst thing you can do to a friend, but it’s also the easiest.”

I could see her chest going upward and downward. It was not clear before, but it was clear now.

She did not say anything, so I continued, “I told the secret to four individuals only. Although our communication is greatly reduced, I still can contact them through the social media. Heck, I think I have their phone numbers.” I paused, letting all my words sink to her. “Would you like me to ask them whether they have revealed this secret to someone else or would you not?”

“No,” she said. “Don’t you dare. You have to remember, your secret is in my hand. You don’t want me to share it to everyone.”

“Do I?” I said, frowning. “There are times when I don’t. If everyone knows it, I do not have to carry the burden of keeping it as a secret. Yes, the secret is appalling. Once they know what it is, they would isolate me. They would see me negatively. I would not belong to society. Some would tell me to fix myself, go see someone who could fix it for me, or whatever. They would even offer themselves to help me. In short, people’s reaction to it won’t make me feel better.

Enough of that. “Tell me who was it now, or I’ll swear you’ll never see your best friend again.”

I thought I had everything under my control. Nevertheless, I was wrong. I could see her unclutched her hands. Her head raised. The fragile glass I had imagined was gone.

“You are not in a position to threat me,” she said. “It’s one thing to have your secret exposed, it’s another when certain someone knows it.” She looked at the empty seats and tilted her head. “I wonder when are they going to come back - the boy, especially.” She nodded.

She knows that too?! “Stop it,” I said.

She could not possibly think of telling that secret to him. That would be disastrous. He would not talk to me anymore. He was my closest friend. I met him when we were in primary school, and our friendship survived despite the hardship threatened to break it. He was a loyal, helpful, and sensible friend.

She let out a soft, melodic laugh. “Oh, did you think of that when you tried to do the same thing to me? Did you?”

The question poked me. I didn’t. I could not bear it if she told him my secret. My secret which was closely tied to him. Would he still be loyal, helpful, and sensible to me when he finds out about this? Would he still be my friend? The questions kept popping in my mind, disturbing my logical thinking. They kept intruding my space of comfort.

A couple of students went into the class. They sat at their place.

“Mrs. Hamsah asked us to meet her. She wants to talk about the book voucher we have - the ones she gave to us,” the spectacled girl said.

The boy looked at me and smiled. “Let’s pack our things. We don’t want to make her waiting for us.”

“Before we go, Ian,” Syaz said to him, “I want to share with all of you something. It’s about Rafiq. He keeps urging me to tell you guys about this. He thinks it’s important for you as a friend to know.”

“Oh, this sounds interesting,” Ian said. He winked at me. “What is it?”

I was not prepared for this. “I - it’s nothing -”

“He prefers males over females,” Syaz said, cutting my sentence. “He said he couldn’t tell you this because he was afraid of your reaction - it might not be good.”

Ian was silent for a moment. He laughed. “I don’t give a damn on whoever he likes or prefers. He can like anyone and I’ll be cheering for him. Man, I thought it was a huge secret or something.”

While he said that, the two bookworms looked at me with undecipherable frowns. “Are you serious? Are you really like... that?” the male bookworm said. “You are disgustingly awesome!” he exclaimed and giggled. “I wonder what will the other students react to this - the perfect Rafiq is gay!”

His sharp words injected my body with a snake’s venom, but I did not care. I cared what my friends thought, and Ian thought my true sexual reference was nothing to worry about. I sighed in relief. Alas, Syaz’s plan to break our friendship failed.

“He likes you, Ian, for a long time,” Syaz continued, revealing another secret of mine.

It triggered another laugh from him. “Wow, seriously? Well, I’m not really surprised. My handsomeness easily charms people’s hearts.” He shrugged.

This time, I let out a genuine laugh. “Don’t be so cocky, Ian.”

“There’s one last thing,” Syaz said. I could hear the irritation in her voice. She stood up. “Just one year ago, Rafiq started to check a website. One which allowed the users to make an ad, and this one was exclusive to people who wanted to find male-to-male relationships with others. He posted his own ad, showing his sexual appeal and the desire for other males to dominate him. You could see a picture of his naked body, and his mobile phone number on it.”

I froze. This... I did not tell anyone about this. Not even to the four friends I had mentioned. It was my moment of stupidity, of letting my desire take control of me, and of wanting to explore dangerous and exciting relationships. I tried everything to keep others from knowing it. I lied to my parents about going to sleep in my friend’s house when I was following some guy to his house. One day, after working as a part-time worker, I waited another guy in front of my work place. When I entered his car, it was late at night.

“His ad attracted many horny older men. They used his body every night, making him their slave. And he liked it - oh, he liked it a lot. He never stopped enjoying every moment of it until he quit his job.”

“It-it’s not... true. They - they were all lies,” I said. My denial was weak. It was clear in my voice. I looked down. I could not bear looking at him. But I did. I did look at him. And I regretted it.

I realized his dark eyes were disturbing. He clenched his jaw. He stood up, and said with a cold voice, “Pack your things quickly. I’ll meet you all there.” 

He grabbed his bag, and left the class. Others left the class. Only Syaz remained. “Thank you for entertaining me,” she said with a cordial tone. She left.

I was all alone. Defeated by the Secret Keeper who not only held people’s secrets but their fears too. 

NOTE: You might realize there are mixed tenses in some parts. Some sentences should be italicized to show that they are the protagonist's thoughts.