Bad Lights, Good Lights [Chapter 1.3, Edited 1]

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

August 2, 2015
Novel / Chapter: Fantasy, Mystery / Suspense
5 comments (4 reviews)

After finishing the Isha prayer, I went to the bookshelves opposite the toilet. There were so many books here, most of them novels. I took out a green-coloured book and threw it on the bed. Scarlet hovered on it, humming. “That book is the school’s magazine,” I clarified, and jumped on the bed. I turned the pages. “We need this if you want to know my friends.”

We had a brief discussion about this matter. I could show him my friends in the school - it was better to memorize them face-to-face - but it would be certainly weird if someone found me speaking to no one. I got this idea about school’s magazine. It was the best reliable source to find the pictures of my friends.

I turned to the page in which the classes’ photos were. My class was one of the two top classes, but it shouldn’t be treated like that. True, many of its students were from excellent PMR graduate - PMR being one of the most important exams since it would decide whether you could go to a different kind of education institution or not. Students that passed it with flying colours liked to go to colleges, but some of them, like me, continued our studies here.

The classes weren’t the same as others, however. My class was under pure science - others were under arts, automobile, or some sort of other subject packages. This was the reason why I said my class shouldn’t be treated like the top class when its subjects differed with other classes. But I digressed. It was easier to do so. We needed to talk about my friends. Not just them but also important school figures.

I tapped on the picture of a girl with a ponytail, fair skin and slightly slanted eyes. “This is Mei Lin, but you can call her Sarah. She’s my best friend.”

I smiled remembering the first time I met her. It was during kindergarten. I was eating con-shaped ice-cream at the playground with other kids. One of them stumbled on me when he ran and my glob of ice-cream fell to the ground along with me. He catched up with his friends, laughing and running without noticing me at all.

That was when Sarah came. She didn’t have a ponytail back then, so her long hair was let loose. She gave me a smile and held out her hand. “Don’t cry,” she said, looking at my wet eyes. She looked at the con ice-cream she had in her other hand and gave it to me. “I can get another one” was all she said for that matter.

That was when I knew she would be my friend. The one who cared. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Childhood was just fun. I didn’t need to worry about anything. I only needed to enjoy myself. I sighed. Growing up meaned more problems to handle. If only I could go back when I had a pleasurable time with my family; Father and Mother and Imran and me taking a picnic near the beach.

“She must be very patient to be your best friend,” Scarlet noted. “So far, you’re not the easiest person to deal with.”

I chuckled. “You’ve just met me and Imran for persons, how can you know I’m not the easiest?” I replied. “Imran is easier to deal with than I.”

“I know this thing. Grammar Nazi. Yup, you’re a grammar Nazi.”

I laughed. That was true, I had to admit. I searched for another picture, a boy this time. I found it when I saw a boy with spiky hair and dark skin. I pointed at it. “This is my other friend. You can say he’s my best friend too, but sometimes he just isn’t. Unbearable at times. His name is Raj.”

When I first met Raj, it was when I faced the bullies. Those big and nasty-looking seniors who had no shame bullying a girl two years younger than them. It was during my fourth grade. I could see Raj from behind them, picking all the stones he could on the soily ground besides the drain. Then, he threw them to the bullies. They forgot about me and catched him instead. I didn’t know what happened afterwards, but when in class, I saw him unscathed. And he smiled at me. I smiled back.

Scarlet hummed. “This guy must be your karma. From the look of it, he’s not easy to deal with,” he commented, hovering over the picture.

I chuckled. I turned the pages to the one for teachers. I tapped on a picture of a woman with headscarf and spectacles. “This is *Cikgu Haryati. She’s my class teacher. She’s nice but sometimes you just can’t help but to wonder when would she yell out of anger. Or do something out of it because she’s never, and I mean never, get angry. Too nice.”

I saw Scarlet brightening, and I knew he had something to say to my face. “Stop it,” I told him. “You need to learn to minimize your talk. Speech is silver but silence is golden.”

“So cheesy,” he blurted out. I bet he couldn’t help it. “Any other teachers? How about Principal? In my understanding for the time I’ve been here, it’s the one who leads the school.”

I looked back to the magazine and showed him the woman with headscarf and plump figure sitting at the middle of teachers. “Her name is *Puan Mastura. From what I’ve heard, she’s a dictator. Some teachers said since her elective was Business Study, she viewed herself as the boss and other teachers as being beneath her.” I shook my head. “Overall, not a likeable teacher.”

“I see. This thing exists to here although in a more extreme degree,” Scarlet responded, moving up and down. “Very interesting. Now, you have to sleep. Have to wake up early tomorrow.”

I raised my eyebrow.”I have to sleep? How about you?” Curiosity nudged me.

He hummed which I took it as a shrug. “We lights don’t sleep since we depend on energy all the time. Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to watch you sleep like a creepy stalker.” He paused. "Wait, do something for me before that. Write a diary from today onwards."

I frowned."Why?"

"We need records for our relationship as reference for the synchronization we have to achieve," he explained.

I nodded. I laid on the bed and covered myself with a deep pink with patterns of white flowers blanket.“I’ll go to sleep first. Tomorrow morning, I'll write it before going to school.” I’d packed the things I need tomorrow and I didn't mind waking up earlier to write the diary. I turned to Scarlet. “How about you?”

“I’ll give myself a tour around your house,” he replied.

“Just don’t make troubles,” I murmured, already getting sleepy. I closed my eyes.

The image of my father refusing me to kiss his hand flashed in my mind. It shouldn’t be like this. He was supposed to be the father I had once loved. He was supposed to be caring and supportive and kind. Everything had changed when I and Imran grew up, and it became worse when he married again. Perhaps it wasn't him who deserved the murder. Perhaps it was that bitch. My body trembled as tears went down to my cheek. I pressed my face to the pillow so that Scarlet couldn’t see me.

After I saved humankind, I would damn make sure he do anything I wanted (this part I wrote after he finished checking this entry).

* It means “Teacher”. In Malaysia, students usually referred to their teacher with a title and a name.

* It means “Mrs”.

A/N: So this chapter isn't much of an action but still essential nonetheless. Probably this would be the end of chapter one. Please click the Like button if you like it and review if you want it! :D Also, made a small change at the end.

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Mon Apr 25, 2016 1:13 am

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Carlito wrote a review...

Hello again!

I didn't care for this chapter as much because it kind of felt like an info-dump to me and I thought most of it felt a bit bland. This is still the first chapter. We've already gotten a lot of information in this first chapter about these lights and this family and this culture and the problem and now we're throwing her friends on top of all of that. If I had read all of chapter one in one sitting, I feel like it would have been information overload and I wouldn't remember stuff.

It's been five minutes and I've already forgotten the names of these friends and the significance of each of them. I'm sure they're going to end up being important, but I wouldn't introduce them in this chapter. Make their introduction come a bit later and try to make it super active. Like I want to see them and each of them needs to have their own unique personality so I can differentiate them. Maybe don't even introduce them all in the same scene and spread it out a bit.

I think this chapter would be stronger if you moved from where you left off in the previous chapter right to here:

Now, you have to sleep. Have to wake up early tomorrow.”

To me, that's a natural progression of what was happening in the previous segment. A lot has happened already and then this way we still learn a bit more about Merah and Scarlet before she goes to sleep.

"We need records for our relationship as reference for the synchronization we have to achieve," he explained.

I nodded.

I want more reaction from her. I want to know what she thinks of being told by this light to go to sleep and what she thinks of this light telling her to keep a journal. She's kind of stubborn and opinionated, so show more of that. It doesn't have to be her talking to Scarlet, it could be her internal monologue. I just want to know what's going through her mind because she's the MC and she's narrating this.

“How about you?”

“I’ll give myself a tour around your house,” he replied.

“Just don’t make troubles,” I murmured, already getting sleepy. I closed my eyes.

Did she mean "What about you?" instead of "How about you?"
And how does she feel about this light going off to wander in her house? A couple of scenes ago she was adamant that he not look through her stuff while she prayed and now he gets to roam her house without comment.

The image of my father refusing me to kiss his hand flashed in my mind. It shouldn’t be like this. He was supposed to be the father I had once loved. He was supposed to be caring and supportive and kind. Everything had changed when I and Imran grew up, and it became worse when he married again.

I'm glad we circled back around to the father and you started to allude to what happened to their relationship.

Okay my big thoughts for chapter one as a whole are as follows:

1. I want more voice. I felt like I was starting to get more of it as the chapter went on, but since this is being told in first person, I want this to ooze voice. By the end of this first chapter I should have a sense of your MC's personality and what's she's like because her voice is so present. I'm getting there, but I think you can give me more. One way to do that is through her thoughts and feelings which leads me to...

2. I want more of her thoughts/feelings. One really nice thing about first person is that we can really get inside the MC's head. I looooove getting inside a character's head and trying to figure out why they are the way they are (that's my inner psychologist :p). When you show me her thoughts and feelings, it's great. So show me more of her thoughts and feelings

3. I want more establishment of normal. I like that you got right into the action and things took off right away, but I think I want at least one scene to start us off of what normal looks like for these characters before the lights show up. It should still be something that will be important for the plot or characterization, like maybe showing a prayer and her interactions with her family first and then throwing a wrench in things by the introduction of these lights. I want to feel like I understand where we are and what life is like before things get crazy.

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! And as I continue on, if there's anything you'd like feedback on that I didn't mention or there's something you want my opinion on, feel free to let me know! I'll see you soon!

Lightsong says...

Thanks for the review! Agree with what you said about the voice. I realized I didn't put much thoughts/feelings for Merah, and hopefully future chapters show improvement on that part!

I don't actually know what to do when things are normal. It's a weakness of mine, really, like in my head I'm picturing all these cool stuffs they'd do and forget Merah is still a teenager and she has her normal life to live on.

That's what you mean by establishment of normal, right?

Carlito says...

I totally understand about thinking about all of the exciting things that are going to happen and forgetting about the "she's a teenage girl" aspect of things. Yes. What is her life like before these lights show up? It doesn't have to be much more than a scene, because you do want to get to the point which is the lights and everything that happens with the lights.

Lightsong says...

Duly noted! I'll keep in mind to include that scene for further drafts.

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Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:18 pm

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Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Hello Lightsong, here I am to review the next chapter of your novel, that I am trying to catch up to, but it never seems like I will. 'tis fine though, because I'm just trying to go slow and slow, chapter by chapter. This will be a shorter one, sorry :/

Anyways, let's get started, shall we?

I generally found no value in actually publishing this chapter. If you really had wanted to make this more brief, I'm sure that you could have just left it at one paragraph describing showing the light the yearbook and pictures and names and qualities, etc. Just like Carlito stated before, I think that this chapters is like a prime example of an "info dump". I can't really mention anything else, so I'll get into the details/nitpicks of this piece anyways:

After finishing the Isha prayer, I went to the bookshelves opposite the toilet.

Wait what? Maybe you have worded it wrong, but here it seems like her bookshelves are in the bathroom, just a little bit across the toilet. That doesn't make and to me, cause who has books in their bathroom?

Students that passed it with flying colors liked to go to colleges, but some of them, like me, continued our studies here.

This confuses me. Before you go, I wish that you could clarify this a little bit more for me, because I still don't really understand how the high school level system works. Instead of rushing and jumping into the next section where you are naming all of the characters that may potentially be present.

We had a brief discussion about this matter.

That sentence, in the right context should summarize this whole entire chapter here, because it honestly seems lie they were supposed to be having a brief discussion on this topic.

That was when I knew she would be my friend. The one who cared.

So, this is a pretty cliche start to a friendship, somethings that I might have heard a hundred of times before in other novels, so as of right now, I don't really care for Sarah or anything like that, you need to make this a little bit more interesting, even thoughSarah may be a key role later on.

Now, here in the middle of my review I will pause and make an interruption because I wanted to change the format up.

I think that Merah was acting in a very shallow way, for the reason being that I don’t really understand why she would just rant and gossip on and on about her various classmates. This really does show what type of person she is. One way that you could make her more alive, is that you could just actually try to tie back, keep bringing it back to the fact that she wants to help Scarlet. If you had a couple of those breaks, it would definitively be more helpful. I honestly don’t have any specific places, so I think that you have to go through and edit that.

“I know this thing. Grammar Nazi. Yup, you’re a grammar Nazi.”

I personally think that this term shouldn’t be used, because whenever I see the term grammar Nazi, it reminds me of WWII and the historical holocaust and such which is serious. It practically offends me and irritates me for no end. Obviously I know that this isn’t your fault, and you are the writer and such, but I’m just saying my personal opinion that you shouldn’t really use this.

Childhood was just fun. I didn’t need to worry about anything. I only needed to enjoy myself. I sighed. Growing up meaned more problems to handle. If only I could go back when I had a pleasurable time with my family; Father and Mother and Imran and me taking a picnic near the beach.

I just wanted to pull this paragraph specifically out, because it seems like you are repeating the same thing, that sentimental nostalgia from childhood. I don’t think that you mentioned Merah’s childhood, so you missed a precious slot and chance to give a glance into her early years, and you didn’t do it. I think that you could definitely spice up the scene by adding a delightful flashback here, because then that could make it more insightful, and not so meaningless, words on paper.

Everything had changed when I and Imran grew up, and it became worse when he married again

Ahh, finally we have got into the root cause of why her father is acting this way, and I think that this could develop sympathy of Merah and that poor woman that became his wife. This sentence perhaps suggests that he is a “bitter” man, with time as he grew older.

Perhaps it wasn't him who deserved the murder. Perhaps it was that bitch.

Ahh, now I understand even more. The hesitation that Merah is feeling is perfectly normal, because I had a feeling that she hates both her father and her step-mother. This is pretty unique though, because if YA novels I see that the MC usually hates one or the other parent. I again think that you could really explore this concept in her diary that she will be keeping track of later now.

Overall, add a little bit of color. You’ve definitively had seen better chapters than this, so I know that if you try, with editing and correction, that you can do better! That’s all that I have for this chapter, I hope that this review helps you improve. I will be onto the next chapter very shortly. If you have any questions, than you know where to find me.

Until next time,
~P.S.

Lightsong says...

This is long enough for me. Thanks, Pretzel!

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Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:40 pm

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ClackFlip says...

I'm so sorry it took me so long to get around to this, I've been slacking off a lot lately.
And...
There's really not much to talk about. Everyone else covered everything.
Bye

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Tue Aug 11, 2015 7:35 pm

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Carlito wrote a review...

Hello! Here as requested! (Sorry for the delay!) I skimmed Noelle's review, and I apologize in advance if I repeat anything she said.

I'm going to keep this fairly large picture, but if you would like me to go back and do more paragraph or sentence level things, I'd be happy to do so

You say at the end in your author's note that this chapter doesn't have much action, but it's essential. I disagree. To me, the majority read as an info-dump/character profiles.

What do I mean by an info-dump? An info-dump is when you spend quite a bit of time explaining the world, the characters, back story, etc. I'm guilty of doing this, too. It's a really easy trap to fall into because it's easy to feel that the reader needs all of the information at once in order to understand and become engaged in the story.

The way you do it here is by bringing out this yearbook and describing/talking about these characters. I don't remember a single name or any defining characteristics about them. I don't know why I'm supposed to care about them. If they're important to the story, then I would introduce them in a more active way - there's a party and the MC introduces them to Scarlet and there's some interaction between all of them (pretty basic example, but you get what I'm saying?) That way the reader would get to know their personalities and how they all fit in with one another and the reader would be able to make up assumptions or ideas about them without the MC telling the reader all about them. See that distinction?

I think the premise you presented to me in the review thread was interesting, and things got a little more interesting by the end of the chapter. As a reader, I don't want to be bogged down with information, I want to be in the story, meeting the characters, and getting to know them. Especially in the first chapter. I want some mystery and suspense about what's going to happen next. I want a reason to keep reading (burning questions that need to be answered about the plot, world, or characters). Don't give it all away too soon!

And I'm coming in late on this chapter, so for all I know you've already done this with the previous sections. But I would think about whether or not you truly need the majority of this section or if there's a more active/exciting way to introduce the characters from the magazine.

Let me know if you have any questions, need me to elaborate anywhere, or if anything I said was confusing!

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Tue Aug 11, 2015 1:52 pm

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Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested.

Again, I'm sorry it took me a while to get to this.

I want to talk about the religious aspect here for a moment. Merah keeps mentioning the prayers, but they haven't really been explained much. They're Muslim, correct? Personally, I know next to nothing about the Muslim religion, so the prayers seem less than important to me. I'm not saying that to discredit the religion, I respect all religions, it's just that in the context of the story it just seems like something to take Merah away from the light. Just another random thing in her life. I would've liked to see what happened during the prayers or what her thoughts were during the prayers. Was she at peace, not worrying about the little floating light in her room or were the prayers lost on her because she couldn't focus? The religious aspect seems so important in your Merah's life, but it's not explained much in the story.

I'm not sure how I feel about the little flashbacks each time Merah points to another friend. It doesn't seem like the first thing that would come to her mind and it feels like she's just saying it for our benefit. I mean, when I look at a picture of my friend, I either think back on what was happening when that picture was taken or I think about the latest memory I have of that friend. Honestly, we don't need to know when Merah met these friends and why she decided to be friends with them. We accept that their friends and we'll figure out why they're friends later when we get to see them interact. Details are nice, but some details are better left unexplained and left for the reader to figure out.

She’s nice but sometimes you just can’t help but to wonder when would she yell out of anger. Or do something out of it because she’s never, and I mean never, get angry. Too nice.”

I've been noticing a few places where the language is just a bit off. I don't want to say that it's a grammar error, rather it's just worded a bit odd. In the first sentence here, Merah is describing that her and her classmates wonder if their teacher would ever snap. There are a lot of words and descriptions there that can easily be combined to read this: "She's nice, but sometimes we wonder when she'll get angry and yell."

Then the second sentence is worded a bit strange too. I feel bad because I can't really explain why it's worded weird. Sometimes I see something and I just know it's "wrong" (I used quotations because it's not really wrong per se), but I can't tell someone how to fix it. This is one of those times. However, the more I look over it trying to search for a way to make it stronger, I can't help but thinking it should just be cut out. It's a bit repetitive seeing as Merah already mentioned they're waiting for her to yell out of anger, which is the same as "do something out of it". I'd suggest taking the first half of that sentence out and just leaving the part about her never getting angry. The second sentence could read like this: She never, and I mean never, gets angry."

Then the third sentence is a fragment. "Too nice." What or who is too nice? Is Merah referring to her teacher or the story she just told Scarlet about her teacher? The sentence is missing a subject, leaving it confusing and rather empty. It can just as easily read "She's too nice." That would be a perfect sentence to end the description of her teacher.

Overall, this first chapter is very well thought out. A lot happens, which is a good thing. We are introduced to the characters and this world and the central problem. I like finding that in an opening chapter. So far we know Merah very well. You've done a good job developing her and helping us to understand who she is as a person. The light is quite interesting and I think I'm starting to understand his personality and what he's all about. The father, like I've mentioned before, is just perfect. I feel like going back and reading about him again because I love him so much (again, I'm referring to his character rather than him as a person because he's just rude and unreasonably mean and I can't love someone like that xD). Imran has been overlooked a bit, but I can see him coming into play later on in the story. I mean, we know who he is and what he is to Merah (her brother), but we don't get to see much of his personality. That's fine, of course, there are so many more chapters we get to understand him.

As for corrections, I'd suggest focusing on your grammar. Is English not your first language? I'm just assuming that, I apologize if it is. There are some words out of place or the order is switched. If you tighten up the grammar just a bit this will be amazing. More amazing than it already is, that is ^_^

I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Young Writers Society

Bad Lights, Good Lights [Chapter 1.3, Edited 1]

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