Young Writers Society

Hey looseleaf!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really great story. I liked how you directly opened in the middle of an already ongoing scene and still managed to pull us directly into the story without really disrupting the flow. I really like the tension you have built throughout the story, and how you have described your surroundings and the events without going into much detail at all and keeping it rather vague. I think this decision has made the story even more realistic, because face down on the ground with men holding guns, I don't think anyone would really have much room for other thoughts.

Still, I liked how cool and smooth your voice of narration was. The situation is so very grave, but this man almost seems collected. He tried to intervene the robbery which reflects his character, but I am really impressed with how he never lost his calm throughout the story.

I found only one problem in this story and it is the tense. See, you opened in the present tense, but as the story moved on you shifted to the past tense. Since you are describing a scene or event here, I was a little confused about when this was actually taking place. I think you should clear that up for your readers.

Overall, this was a really great story, and I liked how direct and in the moment it was. Frankly, I cannot believe that you wrote this in seven minutes. That is super impressive.

Keep writing and have a great day!

I really liked this! Good job!

Hello LZPianoGirl,

This is a good story to start off the spooky season. The pacing is good. And, you managed to write a tension-gripped story in seven minutes. As the others said, that is impressive!

It’s dark. Well, not really. In the corner of my eyes, I can see light, but I’m lying face down on the floor, not able to see anything.

They shot me in the arm twice, so I fell to the ground, taking my chance to get out of the situation.

“Twenty grand, now,” A husky voice yelled from behind me. I suppose the bank teller hesitated a bit too long, because they screamed again, “Now!”

“Please, not the children!” “Shut up!”

This time, the burglars were the ones who hesitated and a deep voice shouted, “Now!”

For seven minutes I'm impressed! I love writing challenges like this that allow us to push ourselves and also just to get words on a page because we all know that's the hardest part!

It’s dark. Well, not really. In the corner of my eyes, I can see light, but I’m lying face down on the floor, not able to see anything.

I happen to be at the bank right now, trying to look dead.

“Please, not the children!” “Shut up!”

This time, the burglars were the ones who hesitated and a deep voice shouted, “Now!”

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Okay this was a pretty cool story for seven minutes of work. This definitely did not sound rushed at all. I loved the tension that you built, it was just enough without becoming excessive, the descriptions were also very well done especially considering the fact that it was a very limited view since the protagonist is face down. Alright let me see if I can find any nitpicks down there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It’s dark. Well, not really. In the corner of my eyes, I can see light, but I’m lying face down on the floor, not able to see anything.

How did I get on the floor, you ask? Don’t I have the story for you. I happen to be at the bank right now, trying to look dead. Three men, or, at least, I think they were men, pulled out guns and surrounded the bank tellers. I tried to stop them, like the good person I am. Boy do I wish I wasn’t a good person right now. They shot me in the arm twice, so I fell to the ground, taking my chance to get out of the situation.

“Twenty grand, now,” A husky voice yelled from behind me. I suppose the bank teller hesitated a bit too long, because they screamed again, “Now!”

“Yes, sir, sorry sir,” one of the ladies at the front desk squeaked. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought it was a mouse talking.

There was the sound of crying coming from my right. Then, there was a few grunts, a child screaming, and the child began crying louder.

“Please, not the children!” “Shut up!”

The first robber probably regrets not stopping. Just as he said that, there were sirens, and several people burst through the door shouting, “Hands in the air!”

This time, the burglars were the ones who hesitated and a deep voice shouted, “Now!”