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A Future Mistake - Chapter Two

by LZPianoGirl


Word Count: 2,838

Chapter Two

Abby awoke with a start. The carriage had lurched forward, nearly toppling Abby off her seat.

“Are we here?” Mrs. Strinbrall asked. Abby sat up and brushed the blonde hair away from her eyes.

“I don’t know,” Abby said as she stretched.

“We have arrived,” Mr. Strinbrall exclaimed as he pushed open the carriage doors, “Grab your belongings and follow me, ladies.”

Abby climbed out of the carriage after her father and grabbed her bags. Mrs. Strinbrall followed suit and the family was soon inside the station.

It was unusually busy for a cold April afternoon. The Strinbralls waded their way through the crowd and stopped at a lamppost. Mr. Strinbrall started rummaging through his pockets. After a few moments, he pulled out some dollar bills.



“How much are the tickets, dear?” Mrs. Strinbrall asked.

“75 cents,” Abby’s mother replied, “If I’m not mistaken, those prices have risen.”



“The price must meet the demand,” Abby said. “And there seems to be many buyers.”



“Very good, Abigail. I’ve taught you well.” Mr. Strinbrall counted his money, “Abby, you stay near this pole while your mother and I purchase the tickets.”



Mrs. Strinbrall agreed and picked her things up again, “I love you, darling. We’ll come back for you at noon.”



Abigail smiled, “I love you too, mother.”



Mr. and Mrs. Strinbrall left Abby to purchase the tickets. Abby watched them until her father’s hat disappeared into the crowd. Abigail looked up at the large clock in the middle of the station. 11:20 am.

Abby sat down on a bench and waited. And waited. And waited. When the clock struck 11:50, Abby stood and surveyed the area. Mr. and Mrs. Strinbrall were nowhere to be seen. Abby just sat back down and people-watched.

Unbeknownst to Abigail, a man sat down on the other side of the bench. His clothing was unusual and his shoes were no different. People stared at this unusual man, but Abby thought they were looking at her and simply brushed it off.



Finally, the clock struck 12:05pm. Abby looked up at it in shock, then back at the train. People were boarding. Abby jumped up and ran (as best as she could with her large dress) towards the train.

Walking alongside it, she looked into each window for her parents. After reaching the end of the train, Abby began to search for a second time. She began to worry, and speed-walked next to the train, calling out “Mr. and Mrs. Strinbrall!”

As Abby neared the lamppost she had sat near, the train let out a puff and started moving. Abby whipped around to see the train heading out of the station.

“Abigail!” she heard a voice yell. Abby looked to the last train car and gasped. There was her mother and father, leaning out one of the windows, shouting her name.

“Mother! Father!” she yelled, running as close to the train as she could, “Why did you board without me?!”



“We were rushed on board! We did not have anytime to get you!” Mr. Strinbrall explained.

Abby hesitated before speaking. They were nearly as far as she could go, “What should I do?!”



“Buy a ticket for the train tomo-” Mr. Strinbrall was cut off by the train exiting the station.

Abigail just stood there, defeated, watching the train disappear into the distance. What was she to do? She did not have enough money to stay somewhere and buy the ticket, only one.

Abby slowly turned around and made her way back to the bench. The strange man was still there, but this time Abby noticed him. She still chose to ignore the young man, though, and sat down and began thinking. She had a dollar in coins. One single dollar. That could hopefully last her a day, even if the ticket cost 75 cents.

The mysterious man leaned forward and stared at Abby, making her wildly uncomfortable.



“Can I help you, sir?” She said, still refusing to look at him.

The man shook his head as if waking from a trance, “What’d you say?”



“I asked if I could help you,” Abby repeated.

“Uh, yeah, sure. Do you know where this train will be coming in?” The man showed Abby his ticket.



“Well, sir, it would be coming through over there,” Abby pointed to the empty track, “But this is a fake ticket.”



“No, it isn’t.”



“Yes, it is, sir,” Abby said,” If it was real, I would be taking it.”



“Are you not from here, too?” The man asked. His eyes seemed to light up and a grin grew on his pale face.

“I’m from New York,” Abby explained, “but I missed the train back.”

“Oh,” the man looked disappointed, “What’s your name again?”



“I don’t recall telling you in the first place, but my name is Abigail. Abigail Strinbrall.”



“I’m Martin Flinnbaker,” The man said, then smiled, “Would you like to walk with me?”



Abby hesitated for a moment, but then replied, “Yes, sir. Where to?” To her, Martin may have been a bit weird, but overall he seemed pleasant and kind. It didn’t occur to her that she didn’t know this man, but something about Martin made her feel like she had known him forever, and that she trusted him completely.

“To my train, of course,” Martin stood and held out his hand towards Abby.



“Mr. Flinnbaker, I already told you, that ticket is a fake,” Abigail said, “But, I will walk with you.” Abby took Martin’s hand and stood up. Martin took her bag and carried it under his arm as they walked.



“Where are you from, Mr. Flinnbaker?” Abby asked.

“Why do you ask?” Martin replied.

“You seemed to be eager to learn where I was from, so it’s only fair I know yours.”

“I’m from California, out west,” Martin said.

“I’ve never met someone from the West. I’ve only read articles about them.”



“The articles?”



“The newspaper articles from when it became a state, around five years ago.”

“Oh, those articles. I should’ve remembered that,” Martin nodded his head as he talked, “How come you are heading to New York?”



“I live there with my parents.”



“Why’d you leave?” Martin asked as they rounded a corner.

“We visited mother’s sister and husband. They live on this large plantation,” Abigail explained, “It is pretty, but I prefer my house.”



“How come?”



“My garden is much better than the Sherman’s. It’s my pride and joy, so I take good care of it.” Martin inquired more about her garden, so Abby started describing it.

She described the hedges and how they were perfectly trimmed, how the flowers were arranged, and the pond and it’s perfect little lily pads.

“The farm sounds much better to me.”



Abby was offended. No one had told her her garden was worse than a farm, “Excuse me? I would like to think my garden is at least a tad better than a farm.”



“Maybe it is in your head. I think plantations are much better. They feel so secluded and peaceful.”



“My garden is al-” Just as Abby started to talk, they reached the train tracks, “See, as I told you, there’s no train.”

“It’s late,” Martin looked at his watch. Abby had never seen one like it, “Give it a moment.” Abby rolled her eyes.



“Mr. Flinnbaker, if there was a 12:30 train, I would be taking it.”



“Then why don’t you?” Martin asked. He reached into his pocket and revealed a second train ticket. Abby paused, but eventually took the ticket. What harm could it do?



“Thank you, Mr. Flinnbaker.”



“Please, just call me Martin,” Abby nodded while Martin took off his hat, put it under his arm, and set down her bag, “Had you ever been to your aunt and uncle’s before?”



“Yes, once a year since my brother was born.”



“How old were you?” Martin asked.

“Young.”



“But you are young.”



“Sir, I-”



“Martin.”



“Martin, I am nearly 20, I wouldn’t call that young.”



“You’re young to me. I’m nearly 39,” Martin chuckled.

“You don’t look a day over 20, Mr. Flinnbaker!”



Martin laughed again, “It is both a blessing and a curse.”



“I wouldn’t think so,” Abby said.

“People don’t take me seriously. They see a young-looking scientist and nearly always think I’m new to the field.”

A scientist! How exciting! Abby thought, but she had no time to express her admiration before the sound of a train caught her attention. Sure enough, when she turned to her right, she saw a train entering the station.



“I told you,” Martin said smugly as the train slowed to a stop. Abby was too busy looking at the station schedule to reply. There was no 12:30 train to New York. She was sure of it.

“Tha- that’s not possible!” Abby exclaimed.

“And why isn’t it?” Martin asked.



“It’s not on the schedule! It shouldn’t be here!”



“Well, it is here, and we might as well take it,” Martin stepped up onto the train and turned around to hold out his hand, “Are you coming, Abigail?”



Abby hesitated, “How do I know for sure this train is going home?”

“The tickets,” Martin held up his ticket in one hand and kept holding out the other, “Please tell me you are coming. I enjoy your company.”

“Martin, I’m flattered, but-”



“But what? You’re scared? Would you rather wait until tomorrow evening to get home or right now?”



“Right now.”

“Then come on! The train can’t wait forever!”



Abby reluctantly grabbed Martin’s hand and pulled herself up. Martin picked up Abby’s bag and they made their way down the aisle to Martin’s desired seat. Martin sat down first and motioned for her to sit next to him, but she sat across from him. Martin seemed annoyed and set her bag down next to him.

A few other passengers piled into the train, but they all seemed… off. Abby noticed that they all seemed to be glowing. Now, not like good-looking “glowing,” but actually emitting light from themselves. Abby voiced her concerns to Martin, but he brushed them off.

“Sounds like it’s just your imagination,” he said, “I don’t see anything.”



Abby just nodded and looked at the passengers two rows away from them. He was glowing, but there was not sun shining on him to do that.



“But look at that man several rows back. Is he not glowing?” Abby asked.



Martin turned around and looked at the man, “He is not, Abby.”



Abby quickly turned back to the man. How was it possible? He had stopped glowing. To Abby’s dismay, as she looked around, no one was glowing anymore. Abby rubbed her eyes, but they still were not glowing.

As the train started to move, Abby turned to Martin and asked, “Wherever did you get these tickets?”



“A close friend of mine sent them to me, so I could visit him. His wife has fallen ill.”



“That’s too bad. Is it smallpox?”



“No, she has already had that. I believe it is cholera.”



“I think my niece was infected by that once. My brother said she suffered greatly.”



“As with Andrew’s wife. He wrote to me describing her pain. It sounds horrible. Andrew needed help around his estate, so he sent for me.”



“Why didn’t he call for someone closer to him?”



“I do believe I may be one of Andrew’s only friends. Which is sad, because he is a nice man, but he doesn’t social-”



“Tickets, please,” A man standing in the aisle said. Abigail and Martin handed him their tickets.

“As I was saying, he never goes out of his was to socialize,” Martin continued, “His wife does all the talking.”



“He sounds like my mother. She never talks unless spoken to.”



“Really? Usually, women are the social ones, not the men.”



“Men and women both should be social. What good is a person with no friends?” When Martin didn’t reply, Abby continued, “They are certainly no good. Even the lowest of the low need to make themselves known.”



“And who are the lowest of the low?”



“The poor, unmarried mothers,” Abby began listing off categories of people when Martin interrupted her.

“Slaves?”



“No, I don’t think so.”



“Really? Why not?” Martin leaned back in his chair.



“Why do you care?”



“No reason,” when Abby continued to stare at him, he spoke again, “I don’t support slavery either, I just want to know why slaves are not the lowest of the low.”

“They’re people too. They have decent beliefs, families, everything a Caucasian person can possess.” Abby explained.

“Not everything,” Martin said, “Not land.”



All Abby did was nod. She hated talking about slaves, mostly because of her opinion on them. She hadn’t met anyone besides Lily who she could talk to about the subject, and even Lily had a different opinion on it.



After some brief silence, Martin spoke, “Do you have any plans for when you get back?”



“Some family friends are coming to dine with us. The Thims are coming all the way from Maryland to see mother, and I can only assume Mr. Frederick is only dining with us for me. You see, my friend Katherine is hoping to marry him, but I think he…”



Martin listened attentively as Abby talked about her affairs until his watch struck 1pm. He looked at the other passengers. They were starting to glow again as the train sped up. It had to be going at least 90mph, but it wasn’t enough. It had to be going at least 110mph, and they were running out of time.

Martin stood up and faced Abby, “Excuse me, but I think I just saw a friend onf mine in the other car.”



Abby barely had time to say “OK” before Martin rushed down the aisle. He walked through the next passenger car, through the fake coal car, and finally into the fron engine.



It was empty, as Martin had planned, so he had no problem taking over the controls. With the press of a button, Martin opened up the train’s electronic control panel and started fiddling with the settings. Somehow, he had to override his own creation and go 20mph faster, or else he would never make it back to 2019.

Meanwhile, Abby was sitting down, staring out the window. Despite the abnormal speed the train was going, she didn’t notice anything wrong until she made eye contact with the same man from before.



“I knew it!” Abby exclaimed when she saw the man’s glow. Her first thought was to tell Martin, which she did.

Abby rose and patted her dress down before making her way to the other train car. To her shock and somewhat horror, it was empty.



“Martin!” Abby called out as she searched, “Mr. Flinnbaker!”



Of course, Martin was nowhere in the passenger, and Abby had no success in finding him. She sat down and pondered what to do about Martin missing, until she noticed the door to the coal car open.



That must be where he went, she thought to herself. She stood and walked over to the coal car. She quickly noticed it was empty, and thinking it best to return to her seat and hope Martin was alright, she turned around and went back to her train car.

Martin, on the other hand, had finally managed to increase the train’s speed. As the train sped up to 110mph, Martin sat down and strapped himself into a chair. This would be a bumpy ride.



Martin reached for the microphone connected to the speaker system he had put in the train, “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your…”

“…conductor speaking. As we’re nearing our final destination, and final speed for that matter, I do recommend you fasten your seatbelts and hold on to something.” Abby looked around, trying to find where Martin was. She had heard his voice, but he was nowhere to be seen. Abby pinched herself, to see if she was dreaming, but she did not wake up.

Abby panicked. Where was Martin’s voice coming from? Why did he say “final speed”? Where was he? Suddenly, two pieces of fabric and metal clamped around her waist. She tugged at the “seatbelt” to no avail and eventually followed Martin’s voice’s instructions to hold something.

Abigail looked out the window. The train was going at an incredible speed. She had never gone this fast before and she was definitely scared. Abby started to hyperventilate and sweat. The top of the hill was growing closer, and the train kept gaining speed, and the other passengers kept glowing more and more until it all stopped.



For a quick ten seconds, everything, including Martin and Abigail, was frozen. Abby tried to scream, but she couldn’t open her mouth. Nothing inside or outside were moving. The birds were stuck mid-flight, the leaves were no longer swaying in the wind, and a passenger’s dog’s tail was no longer wagging.

And just as fast as everything had stopped, there was a large blue flash, and everything went black.


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Sat Sep 19, 2020 3:42 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok, chapter two here we go! I see the weird formatting is still present, haha xD

I actually remember a reasonable amount of detail about this chapter from your NaNo posts and possibly stuff in pads? It's nice to recognise it! I'm also really looking forward to meeting Ruby which I'm guessing may happen in the next chapter?

Anyway, onto the actual review! I'm using a template for this one so that I can tick it off the checklist challenge. I've never used a template before so hopefully this all makes sense but let me know if anything I say is unclear.

Initial thoughts (I'm also putting some nitpicks here because they don't fit in the template and I don't know where else to put them!)
I really like where you're taking this story although I am glad to be rid of the Strinballs as I think I'm ready for some more exciting characters! I also like the pacing here, for me two chapters is perfect before getting into the swing of the time travel... I'm ready!
At the beginning of the chapter, there were a lot of points of speech that I think could do with a small improvement. In my opinion, it makes it flow a bit better if you don't have 'said Abby' or 'said Mrs Strinball'. I know you vary the verb which is a good start. But perhaps you could vary a little more either by having something like this:

“Buy a ticket for the train tomo-” Mr. Strinbrall was cut off by the train exiting the station.

or not specifying who is talking when it's already clear. You do a really good job of this later in the chapter but it just felt a bit too back and forth at the beginning.

“And there seems to be many buyers.”

This should be 'seem' not seems :)

Characters
I'm really loving Abby! The way she speaks is wonderful and I think that will be such a good contrast against the characters we come to meet in subsequent chapters. It really gives her a unique voice and I hope she doesn't lose that.

Plot
I kind of mentioned this at the beginning but I like the pacing of this (knowing that there's excitement to come!) The first chapter was a little slow so I like that something has happened in this one.

Setting
I think you could do a bit more with the setting. You've got the start of some great descriptions here but I think you could build on them a bit more - especially on the train. When you go into the future there will be less unique settings to describe so really capitalise on that description now!

Final Comments
And that's it! I'm looking forward to Abbby travelling to the future and the contrast in lifestyle and social setting that will be present. It'll be such a great theme for you to explore and I can't wait to read it!

Hope this was helpful <3

Icy




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Sat Sep 12, 2020 11:56 pm
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LordMomo wrote a review...



Lord Momo, squire, has arrived to review!

To start, this is a very good chapter of A Future Mistake! I am enjoying reading this book very much! There's just a couple things I wanted to point out, so let's get started!

1.

“Are we here?” Mrs. Strinbrall asked.

I think Abigail should say this. Why would Mrs. Strinball ask her if she just woke up?

2.
“We have arrived,” Mr. Strinbrall exclaimed as he pushed open the carriage doors, “Grab your belongings and follow me, ladies.”

A period instead of a comma after doors. This happens a few more times in this work, so if you want me to point them out, feel free to PM me and I will.

3.
Abby climbed out of the carriage after her father and grabbed her bags.

I think the order of these actions should be switched.

4.
Mrs. Strinbrall agreed and picked her things up again, “I love you, darling. We’ll come back for you at noon.”

Why would it take so long for them to buy tickets? And why couldn't she come with them? I know her being left by herself builds on the storyline, I was just wondering.

5.
"Mr. Flinnbaker, I already told you, that ticket is a fake,” Abigail said, “But, I will walk with you.”

No comma is needed after "But".

6.
She described the hedges and how they were perfectly trimmed, how the flowers were arranged, and the pond and it’s perfect little lily pads.

No apostrophe is needed in "It's". It's is a contraction of "It is", so if you're ever unsure, try saying "it is" instead.

7.
“Yes, once a year since my brother was born.”

Wait. She has a brother? Why didn't he come to the plantation, then?

8.
Abby quickly turned back to the man. How was it possible? He had stopped glowing.

Reading your response to Rosewood, these people are holograms. But what made him stop glowing? Did Martin change something on the holograms? Just wondering.

9.
“Some family friends are coming to dine with us. The Thims are coming all the way from Maryland to see mother, and I can only assume Mr. Frederick is only dining with us for me. You see, my friend Katherine is hoping to marry him, but I think he…”


Martin listened attentively as Abby talked about her affairs until his watch struck 1pm. He looked at the other passengers. They were starting to glow again as the train sped up. It had to be going at least 90mph, but it wasn’t enough. It had to be going at least 110mph, and they were running out of time.

Put more space in between these to paragraphs to show it's from Martin's view now.

10.
He walked through the next passenger car, through the fake coal car, and finally into the fron engine.

I think you mean front.

11.
Abby rose and patted her dress down before making her way to the other train car. To her shock and somewhat horror, it was empty.

Why did she pat herself down? I got confused there.

12.
Of course, Martin was nowhere in the passenger, and Abby had no success in finding him.

Do you mean passenger car?

This is a great second chapter, and I can't wait for chapter 3! Keep writing, and have a happy RevMo!
Momo
Image




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review, Momo! She has a brother, but because of the stress of being so wealthy and having such a high status (they're very high up there), he ran away and only sends one letter to her a year.

And, yeah, Martin turned the brightness (if that's what you would call it) the holograms by clicking the button on his watch! Thank you again for the review!



LordMomo says...


thanks for clearing that up!



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Sat Sep 12, 2020 11:35 pm
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hiya LZ!

Perfect timing for this chapter which is taking place as Abby boards this mysterious train... I am currently listening to train & rain ambience sounds in the background. Super fitting haha!

I love the mysteriousness of this new character, Martin. I also like how the writing is catering this "oh no Abby... this can't be good" feeling into the reader with all the hints, like the glowing people and the "fake" tickets.

Also, I'm loving the way Abby talks. The formality in her tone and words really helps to set the stage. I'm really bad at history so I can't comment too much on the historical accuracy of Abby's tone and how she speaks, but it's definitely giving off a clear formal tone.

One thing that stuck out to me in the scene where Abby was noticing the glowiness of people is how often "glowing" is used. I think if it was switched out for another word, or even more descriptive imagery (like, is it gold? Is it fuzzy? Sharp, clear?) could help with the repetitiveness of that!

While we're on the topic of description, I think there are some places where more description could really enhance the scene! Here's one, for example:

She had never gone this fast before and she was definitely scared. Abby started to hyperventilate and sweat.


This is a pretty overused statement, but more "showing" here and less "telling" could increase the emotional tension here! Abby is in a fast train, with no one she knows, and weird freaky glowing people! The use of the word "scared" is pretty general. The next sentence goes on with more specification --> Abby is hyperventilating and sweaty. But what else shows that she's scared? What thoughts are running through her mind. What does the hyperventilation feel like to Abby? More descriptive imagery can make the experience much more immersive for the reader!

For a quick ten seconds, everything, including Martin and Abigail, was frozen. Abby tried to scream, but she couldn’t open her mouth. Nothing inside or outside were moving. The birds were stuck mid-flight, the leaves were no longer swaying in the wind, and a passenger’s dog’s tail was no longer wagging.


I love this??? Like?? It's just so cool... despite the scariness of the situation, everything freezing in mid air is really cool, at least from a reading perspective (I'm sure Abby is panicking like crazy LOL). "The birds were stuck mid flight" is just a really neat image to me.

Lastly, I'm really excited for the potential social themes that might be present in this! Abby's headed to the future, which is a VERY different place socially compared to the time period Abby is currently living in. How will Abby's thoughts towards slavery develop once she lands in the future? Though she's anti-slavery now, I'm very curious to how Abby will react to the future.

Can't wait to read more!
Peace,
~EternalRain




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review, Rain! I appreciate it. I totally understand how I need more detail.



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Thu Sep 10, 2020 7:45 pm
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Rosewood wrote a review...



Ah, I see...

As promised, here I am to write a review on your fabulous work! My first impression was this was a piece of historical fiction, but I see that this is not the case. As the title implied, it certainly has something to do with the future.

I will say this time around, I did notice a few small mistakes, all under the same umbrella. One or two may be nit-picks, I'm not sure.

This is a problem that all sci-fi writers deal with... a few lines... confused me? I felt the introduction of time travel was too sudden in parts and a couple aspects of Martin's plan, a little too last minute. Wait- don't fret! I, too, am extremely guilty of this! Here is a few of the lines I'm concerned about.

A few other passengers piled into the train, but they all seemed… off. Abby noticed that they all seemed to be glowing. Now, not like good-looking “glowing,” but actually emitting light from themselves. Abby voiced her concerns to Martin, but he brushed them off.


Martin reached for the microphone connected to the speaker system he had put in the train, “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your…”



Abby panicked. Where was Martin’s voice coming from? Why did he say “final speed”? Where was he? Suddenly, two pieces of fabric and metal clamped around her waist. She tugged at the “seatbelt” to no avail and eventually followed Martin’s voice’s instructions to hold something.


First one... Glowing? It, if you can excuse my opinion, seems a little flat. I like the idea that something is off about the passengers, and if you really like the idea they glow, go with that. If not, might I suggest they flicker, fade, seem too plastic or fake? Something that's more original and more you.

Second... ouch. That was a little last minute. And, as I will mention later, it led up to a really nice writing technique, so it makes sense to keep it. Just, and I feel terrible saying this, could it be a bit more subtle? Perhaps you could say something like, "The microphone was a welcome relief. He'd been away fro the present too long, and any and every modern piece was a reminder he'd be there soon. He forced his eyes away from his little addition to the outdated train and flipped the switch, turning it on."

And thirdly... This wasn't bad. I just thought it was too scripted. If I were Abby, I'd probably be attempting to tear the seatbelt out and be screaming my head off. I'm not sure how I would change it, but I'll leave the call to you.

(Audible sigh) Now that the hard part is over, I finally get to shower you with compliments! The writing was still pretty well done and of course, I love the new addition to the story! He's believable and Abby's interactions with him are just... perfect. There are just so many lines I loved!

“The articles?”



“The newspaper articles from when it became a state, around five years ago.”

“Oh, those articles. I should’ve remembered that,” Martin nodded his head as he talked, “How come you are heading to New York?”



“Mr. Flinnbaker, if there was a 12:30 train, I would be taking it.”



“Then why don’t you?” Martin asked. He reached into his pocket and revealed a second train ticket. Abby paused, but eventually took the ticket. What harm could it do?



Martin reached for the microphone connected to the speaker system he had put in the train, “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your…”

“…conductor speaking. As we’re nearing our final destination, and final speed for that matter, I do recommend you fasten your seatbelts and hold on to something.” Abby looked around, trying to find where Martin was. She had heard his voice, but he was nowhere to be seen. Abby pinched herself, to see if she was dreaming, but she did not wake up.

Abby panicked. Where was Martin’s voice coming from? Why did he say “final speed”? Where was he? Suddenly, two pieces of fabric and metal clamped around her waist. She tugged at the “seatbelt” to no avail and eventually followed Martin’s voice’s instructions to hold something.


For the first... nice foreshadowing! I was convinced he just didn't read, but something about that didn't add up. When I found out that was because he was a time traveler... everything clicked into piece!

The next... perfect. The character interactions you write are not only believable, but oh so perfect.

And lastly... like I said before, the first part didn't sound great but it led up to one of my favorite lines in the story. That transition? Better than what I would've thought up or written. 11/10... (Honesty, there's just no words to describe how much I liked this simple thing...)

This wasn't the full list of what I loved, but I made sure to point out my favorites so you know what works and what doesn't.

I hope this wasn't too long or too mean. I've said it before and will say it again, I only write long reviews on works I really care about, and this one is definitely that! I can't wait for chapter three!

(I am also wondering... what happened with that conductor? The one who collected the tickets? Or if he wasn't the actual conductor, who is?)




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review! I will definitely fix up the next draft. I was a bit confused.. what was your favorite line? xD Sorry! Also, the people and the conductor were holograms Martin programmed. You%u2019ll learn why in the next chapters! ;)



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.



Rosewood says...


Oh, my favorite line was the second one I highlighted. It was short, but just perfectly written! As for my reviewing, I know I don't know the full story just yet, so please forgive me if they're unhelpful.




Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
— Danish proverb