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A Future Mistake - Chapter One

by LZPianoGirl


Word Count: 1847

Chapter One

“Abby, do you want any more orange juice?” Mrs. Strinbrall asked.

“Oh, no thank you,” Abigail drank the last of her orange juice and set the glass down, “I’m finished.”



“Really? You hardly touched your hotcakes!” Mrs. Sherman, Abby’s aunt, butted in, “Were they not to your standards?”



“No, they were lovely, bu-”



“I told you Martha!” Mrs. Sherman exclaimed, “Raising your daughter in the city would ruin her! Look how little she appreciates my food.”



“Excuse me?” Mrs. Strinbrall replied. Her mouth was slightly ajar and she was gripping her fork, “My daughter was raised the same way we were, despite living in the city!”



“Abigail, how long does it take wheat to grow?” Mrs. Sherman turned to face Abby. Her emerald-colored eyes seemed to pierce through Abby, making her shudder.

“I-” Abby tugged on her dress’s collar, “Three weeks?”

Mrs. Sherman scoffed and turned to her husband, who was across the room with Abby’s father. Mr. Strinbrall was invested in his newspaper, on which the front page read, “RMS PERSIA SETS SAIL FROM LIVERPOOL.” Mr. Sherman, on the other hand, was smoking a cigar while studying one of the house’s many paintings.

“Did you hear that, Charles?” Mrs. Sherman asked Mr. Sherman, “She doesn’t know how long it takes to grow wheat!”



“I do not see why that is necessary to know,” Mr. Sherman replied, taking out his cigar.

“But all country people know that!” Mrs. Sherman exclaimed, “I beli-”



Abby cleared her throat and stood up from the table, “Thank you for the breakfast, Aunt Sherman.”

Mrs. Sherman ignored her and the adults continued bickering about the silly subject. Abby brushed off her dress, slipped into her coat, and exited the farmhouse.

Abby made her way around the house and back towards the fields, where multiple slaves were working. Abby never liked visiting her aunt and uncle, not just because of Mrs. Sherman’s sour attitude, but because their property lacked a beautiful garden to relax in.

As Abby walked down the dirt path, she longed to return home to see her flowers again. That’s the only thing she really cared about, her garden. Abby tended to her garden the way most people tend to their children. She was always there to plant new flowers, water the bushes, or just relax and enjoy its elegance.

Abby neared the slaves’ house and stopped. Without missing a beat, she removed her coat and knocked on the door. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to them yet.

The Strinbralls, like many Northerners, did not own slaves and supported freedom for black Americans. Likewise, the Shermans were the complete opposite and owned two slave families, the youngest of them being Abby’s age. Abby was nineteen, and so was Tabatha, but Tabs (as Abby affectionately called her) had lived and worked on the Shermans’ property since the age of six.

Abby backed away from the door as it opened, revealing Tabs. Behind her was Frank, her brother, sitting near the fireplace.

“Hello, Tabs!” Abby exclaimed, opening her arms for a hug.

“‘Ello missus, Abigail,” Tabs accepted the hug and invited Abby inside. Abby sat down in a rickety rocking chair and folded her coat on her lap.

“How are you both?” Abby looked up at them and smiled. The house may not have been well built, but it was cozy.

“Not so good, miss. It’s darn cold,” Frank responded. Frank was the most educated of the bunch. One visit, Mrs. Strinbrall had spent the time to teach him and give the families some books, to the Shermans’ disapproval.

“Well, it is April. So it must warm up soon,” Abby said.

“Nuh-uh. Mrs. Sherman say the cold will last a long time,” Tabs poked the fire then moved to sit next to Abby.

Abby chuckled, “I don’t believe it. Mrs. Sherman isn’t the smartest of people.”



Neither Frank or Tabs responded. They weren’t allowed to talk bad of the Shermans, or else violence ensued. Tabs had a scar on her arm to prove it.

After a brief moment, Frank spoke, “Any news from New York, miss?”



“Oh, yes,” Abby said, “There’s this new university in Maryland that seems very good. I believe it’s called the Maryland Agricultural College… yes, that’s what it’s called.”

“What ‘bout the Ivans?” Tabs asked. Lily Ivan was Abby’s best friend whom she talked about frequently. The Ivans were wealthier than the Strinbralls, although both were insanely wealthy, and the two families always attended the same events.

“They have been traveling to this new city called Dallas, down in Texas. It was just founded in the past months and the Ivans were invited to stay down there,” Abby explained, “The whole town is not even finished yet. From what I can tell, there’s hardly fifty buildings to go around.”



Tabs and Frank listened with interest. It wasn’t often they heard about the world outside their farm.

“Lily told me that there was a very handsome man by the name of Cooper Barnen that she has taken an interest in.”



“Do-ya expect a marriage proposal?” Tabs asked as she folded some fabric, “Lily isn’t ready for that.”

Abby nodded, “I agree that she is not suited for marriage yet, but Lily does as she pleases, and she’s always wanted to marry. I suppose we will see them married by early winter.”

“That sounds about right,” Frank said, “What about yourself, miss? Does anyone suit your fancy?”



“Not currently, except Mr. Frederick, but I believe he’s in love with Katherine.”



Mr. Frederick was a twenty-five-year-old businessman who frequented the Strinbrall estate regularly. Frederick and Abigail had practically grown up together, and even though they were six years apart, they were good friends and enjoyed spending time together.

“Lily’s sista?” Tabs asked.

Abby confirmed, “Yes, Lily’s older sister. Though, I can not blame him. She is remarkably attractive but does not take care of her appearance. I remember once, three years ago, when she was twenty, she visited and did not even bother to style her hair! I could not believe it, a woman, especially a woman of wealth, should ta-”



“Miss, your father’s a-coming,” Frank said. Abby looked out the broken window. Sure enough, there was Mr. Strinbrall.

Abby quickly sat up and put her overcoat back on. Tabs helped her tie it properly before her father barged in without knocking.

“Abigail, are you..” Mr. Strinbrall and Abby locked eyes, “Dear, it is time to leave. The carriage is already here.”



“I thought we were to depart tomorrow,” Abigail stated, “Mrs. Sherman said so.”



“I were, but your mother just received word the Thims were in New York, and she has not seen them in a while,” Mr. Strinbrall explained. He glanced at Frank, who was standing next to the fire, and held out his hand, “Thank you for welcoming my daughter.”



Frank hesitated before shaking Mr. Strinbrall’s hand, but he eventually did, “You’re welcome, mister.”

“Now, please hurry, the carriage can’t wait forever. I will wait for you outside.” Mr. Strinbrall exited the building.

Abigail turned to Tabs, “It was good to see you, Tabs. You as well, Frank.”

“Hopefully you’ll get home safely,” Frankie shook Abby’s hand, “Promise to write?”

“I promise, but I can not guarantee Aunt or Uncle Sherman will deliver them,” Abby answered.

Frank mumbled a quick “goodbye” before returning to the fire. Tabs held the door open for Abby. “Goodbye, missus Abigail.”

“Farewell, Tabs,” Abigail stepped out of the house and walked over to her father, who was smoking his cigar while staring out at the fields.

“Father, are you ready?” Abigail asked as she approached him.

Mr. Strinbrall turned around and smiled, “Yes, I am.”



Abigail and her father started walking back down the path to the Shermans’ house. Abby could see the carriage in the distance and Mr. Sherman setting her bags inside.



“How was your visit?” Mr. Strinbrall asked.



“Oh, it was wonderful. I always enjoy talking to Frankie and Tabs.”



“Frankie and Tabs?”



“Frankie and Tabatha, the slaves.”

“Oh! No, I meant your visit with the Shermans. Did you like it?”



“Well, you already know the answer to that,” Abby’s smile disappeared. No matter how many times she told her parents she despised trips to the Shermans, they always insisted that she go- and enjoy it.

“It was not horrible this time, was it?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”



“We only stayed for two weeks and not four,” Mr. Strinbrall said as they passed the last field.

“Although that is true, we are returning here again in August.”



“Is that why you’re so upset?”



“I am not upset. Rather, the exact opposite, because we are leaving.”



“Mrs. Sherman refrained from attacking your beauty this time, which was nice.”



“Instead, she attacked my personality.”



Mr. Strinbrall chuckled, “Indeed, she did.”



Abigail and Mr. Strinbrall approached the carriage and were greeted by Mr. Sherman.”



“How was your walk, Abby?” He asked.



“Wonderful. It was very peaceful in the fields.”



“Hopefully the slaves didn’t bother you much,” Mrs. Sherman said, appearing behind Mr. Sherman with Abby’s mom.

“They never do,” Abby replied, “You don’t have to worry.”

Mrs. Strinbrall ignored her and walked over to the carriage. She opened the doors and looked inside, “My, my! This sure is luxurious!”



“It is new,” said Mr. Strinbrall, “We purchased it before visiting.”



Mrs. Sherman lifted up her dress as if to step into the carriage, but her husband held her back, “We better not make the Strinbralls wait any longer, dear.”



“Of course,” Mrs. Sherman frowned and walked to the side. The Strinbralls climbed into the carriage one after the other. Abigail chose the seat across from her parents, next to their luggage.



“Have a nice ride,” Mr. Sherman exclaimed as he shut the door, “We await your next visit eagerly!”

“Us too!” Mrs. Strinbrall said as the carriage started to move away.

Abby sighed and leaned back into her seat. She needed a rest after such a tiresome visit, especially because their next visit was only three months away.

As if reading Abigail’s mind, Mrs. Strinbrall spoke, “Are you tired?”



“Very,” was all Abby said.

“You’ll need your rest, tomorrow will be exciting.”



“Oh? How so?” Abby asked. The mention of something exciting always piqued her interest.

“The Thims and Mr. Frederick will be dining with us this time tomorrow,” Mrs. Strinbrall explained, “And I assume they will stay until dusk.”

“Father told me only the Thims were coming,” Abby responded, “I do not want Mr. Frederick to see me this tired.”



“The Thims invited Mr. Frederick themselves, not us,” Mrs. Strinbrall said.

“Strange, I didn’t think they were acquainted.”



Mr. Strinbrall looked up from his book, “They met at the Caroll’s last year. Mr. Thim seemed to take interest in him.”



“I believe Diane liked h-” Mrs. Strinbrall’s statement was interrupted by Abigail yawning, “Dear, why don’t you rest? I know visiting my sister is tiring, so you probably need to sleep.”



“Definitely.”



With the conversation ending, Abby readjusted herself and closed her eyes. Soon enough, she was asleep.


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Mon Nov 16, 2020 11:46 pm
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NastyMajesty wrote a review...



Hiii @LZPianoGirl. NastyMajesty in here for a quick review. LOL Sorry if this seems kinda rushed so I'm just gonna quickly go through some of the things I noticed.

Grows

Though, I can not blame him.
Here, it should be cannot instead of can not.
“I were, but your mother just received word
I were? I think you meant "I was" or "we were" instead.
Abigail and Mr. Strinbrall approached the carriage and were greeted by Mr. Sherman."
You don't need the quotation mark at the end of this sentence.
Also, you have several lines between each paragraph which can definitely get a bit confusing lol. Maybe try keeping it to one line between each one?

Glows
I really love how the slang and dialogue here is so realistic in terms of the timeline they're in. It's sooo good! You use very vivid descriptive words and explain the narrator's feelings super well! Overall, great job! Keep writing!
:D




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review!



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Tue Sep 29, 2020 2:51 pm
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RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hello @LZPianoGirl, RadDog here! Today, I'll be reviewing the first chapter of your novel A Future Mistake.

First Impressions: I really enjoyed reading it. Usually, I'm not that into historical fiction but I really enjoyed this. Some of the formatting was weird but I can look past that. Overall, it was really good.

What I liked: You did amazing with character conversations. All of your dialogue felt very realistic and flowed extremely smoothly. It was all incredible to read and I enjoyed the talks between Abby, Frank, and Tabs.

What I think you could improve on: You were lacking a bit in the descriptions. Some extra parts to the dialogue tags would be nice (i.e. said with a rough and strained voice). It would really pull it together. Also, just general descriptions

“Oh, no thank you,” Abigail drank the last of her orange juice and set the glass down, “I’m finished.”


What does the orange juice taste like? Is it sweet? Sour? Adding descriptions would really make it that step better.

Overall, you did an amazing job on the first chapter. It checked all my standards like introducing the characters and a sort of save the cat. I can't wait to read the next chapter. Until then, happy writing!

-RadDog




LZPianoGirl says...


Thank you so much for the review!



NastyMajesty says...


No problem :D



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Fri Sep 18, 2020 2:56 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey LZ!

I've been following your thread as you've been writing this, and I couldn't resist coming to read it after knowing the little snippets you've been posting. I'm excited to get the full picture :)

I have way too many novels to review at the moment and a super busy to-do list but please feel free to tag me when you post any more of this! It's such a cool concept and I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it.

Ok, onto the actual review!

“Abby, do you want any more orange juice?” Mrs. Strinbrall asked.

“Oh, no thank you,” Abigail drank the last of her orange juice and set the glass down, “I’m finished.”



“Really? You hardly touched your hotcakes!” Mrs. Sherman, Abby’s aunt, butted in, “Were they not to your standards?”

Quick little nitpick first, but your line spacing seems a little off in this whole chapter. Sometimes it's single spaced and other times double space. Did you do this intentionally? (Or perhaps YWS messed it up as you copied and pasted which is most likely). Either way, just something to be aware of!

My other comment for this section is that it wasn't clear (to me) that Abigail meant she was finished with her breakfast(?), I just thought she was finished with her orange juice! I'm also not sure if you can find a more natural way to mention that Mrs Sherman is her aunt. This seemed a little forced?

“I told you Martha!” Mrs. Sherman exclaimed, “Raising your daughter in the city would ruin her! Look how little she appreciates my food.”

This reads a bit strangely. I would change to either:
“I told you Martha!” Mrs. Sherman exclaimed, “Raising your daughter in the city has ruined her!

Or
“I told you Martha!” Mrs. Sherman exclaimed, “ I told you that raising your daughter in the city would ruin her?


“RMS PERSIA SETS SAIL FROM LIVERPOOL.”

I don't think you need the quotation marks.

Mrs. Sherman asked Mr. Sherman,

A bit of a mouthful! Perhaps just 'Mrs Sherman asked her husband'.

“Thank you for the breakfast, Aunt Sherman.”

This felt more natural to me. Perhaps don't mention she is her aunt until this point.

That’s the only thing she really cared about, her garden.

Show us, don't tell us ;)

“‘Ello missus, Abigail,”

Unless she's married, wouldn't she be called 'miss'?

Mrs. Sherman isn’t the smartest of people.”

Says the girl who thought wheat took three weeks to grow ;)

Frankie shook Abby’s hand

You haven't referred to him as Frankie before, so is this a mistake?

Abigail and Mr. Strinbrall approached the carriage and were greeted by Mr. Sherman.”

Don't need the speech marks at the end of this.

I love the setting of this, but I can't wait to get on to the next part - perhaps because I know what's coming! Anyway, I hope this helped a little :) Feel free to ask if you have any questions about any of the comments I've left. Hopefully I'll get to chapter two pretty soon <3

Icy




LZPianoGirl says...


Thank you so much for the review! I didn't do the spacing on purpose - YWS screwed it up.



IcyFlame says...


Haha I thought as much!



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Tue Sep 15, 2020 10:59 am
Liberty wrote a review...



Hi Lucy!

Hope you're doing well. Expect me to be review A Future Mistake because your wall posts about your characters and your NaNo updates are pretty hype so I thought I'd drop by and see what the excitement was all about. ;)

Ooh okay so I've figured out that this is historical fiction, oooooh, and we've got slaves and fancy dresses and the old fashioned English language and aunts that fuss over their niece's hair and beauty. xP I love this beginning!! Also the language asdslkh I love that as well! It's very different than the things I usually read which is usually set in the present of future, so I don't usually get to read fun language like that but ahh I love it so much <3

Mrs. Sherman asked Mr. Sherman,

Not gunna lie, I read that as Mrs. Sherman asked Mrs. Sherman, which threw me off track for a sec, so maybeee Mrs. Sherman asked her husband would work better?

I were, but your mother just received word the Thims were in New York, and she has not seen them in a while,”

*we ? Or is that an old fashioned way of speaking that I don't know of? I'm not the best with old English. xD

Ahh okay whew there's a lot of characters being shown (Mrs. Strinbrall, her husband, Abigail, Mrs. Sherman, her husband, Tabs, Frank, and then the couple of other people that Tabs, Frank and Abby were talking about. And don't forget the Thims and those other people that were being discussed in the last bit of this chapter) and that's probably not what a writer wants to do in the first chapter. The first chapter is usually to ease things into the readers' mind, like the setting, the place, the descriptions of the people (make sure not to info-dump! which you did none of in this chapter, which was superb), etc.

Speaking of, there was a lot of dialogue in this chapter! Like I said before, it's best to start with the setting and to slowly and steadily ease things into the readers' mind so they're not over whelmed with the amount of characters there are all of a sudden and back away from reading the rest of the story. Ya get?

Ah this was a pretty good start, and I can't wait for the next chapter! Hope my review helped in some sort of way. Lemme know if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them!

And as always...

Keep on writing & Happy RevMo!

~Liberty




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Thu Sep 10, 2020 1:57 pm
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FadeV wrote a review...



I really like it! I don’t often read books that are more historical like this, as I prefer fantasy, but this one does it very well. I already enjoy the characters that are being introduced, and you portray their personalities nicely. Abby seems very nice! I don’t think I could recommend much, except maybe describing the environment around her a bit more? Although that could just be bad advice, I’m very new at this. The story sounds very nice and professional, and I really enjoyed it!




LZPianoGirl says...


Thank you so much! I appreciate the review. I think in the next draft I will add a bit more detail, because now that I reread it, you can't really imagine where they are. Thanks again! I've already posted the next chapter, too, if you want to look at it.



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LordMomo wrote a review...



Momo, here to review! Let's get started!

“RMS PERSIA SETS SAIL FROM LIVERPOOL.”

I don't think you need quotation marks here, maybe italicize it?

“‘Ello missus, Abigail,” Tabs accepted the hug...

No comma is needed after missus. And despite the fact that Tabs and Abigail have known each other for years, Tabs shouldn't be as friendly with Abigail as she is now. She should treat Abby like a step above her, because that's how slaves were supposed to act in those times. Not that white people are a step above, we're all equal.

Frank hesitated before shaking Mr. Strinbrall’s hand, but he eventually did, “You’re welcome, mister.”

I think Frank should call him "sir", but that's my opinion.

“Hopefully you’ll get home safely,” Frankie shook Abby’s hand,

Since when have we called him Frankie? That was kinda a bombshell.

“We only stayed for two weeks and not four,” Mr. Strinbrall said as they passed the last field.

“Although that is true, we are returning here again in August.”


“Is that why you’re so upset?”


“I am not upset. Rather, the exact opposite, because we are leaving.”


“Mrs. Sherman refrained from attacking your beauty this time, which was nice.”


“Instead, she attacked my personality.”


Mr. Strinbrall chuckled, “Indeed, she did.”

Try to specify who's talking in this part. The first time I read it, I got confused.

Abigail and Mr. Strinbrall approached the carriage and were greeted by Mr. Sherman.”

The quotation mark is not needed.

Mrs. Strinbrall ignored her and walked over to the carriage. She opened the doors and looked inside, “My, my! This sure is luxurious!”

I think you mean Mrs. Sherman? And you need a period, not a comma, after inside. This happened a couple of other times in the work. If you want me to point them out, feel free to PM me!

Mr. Sherman exclaimed as he shut the door, “We await your next visit eagerly!”

I think it should be written like this: "We eagerly await your next visit!" And I don't think exclaimed is the right word.

“Us too!” Mrs. Strinbrall said as the carriage started to move away.

Try writing it like this: "Us as well!"

The story is really good! I can't wait to read and review Chapter 2! Keep writing, an have a happy RevMo!
LordMomo
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LZPianoGirl says...


Thank you so much! I appreciate the review!



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Thu Sep 10, 2020 6:02 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi LZ! I've been really excited to get the chance to read this, and I'm so happy you posted it!

Let's get right into it!

Likewise, the Shermans were the complete opposite and owned two slave families, the youngest of them being Abby’s age.


"Likewise" probably isn't the best word choice here, as the Shermans are the complete opposite and "likewise" implies that what they are doing is similar.

I love the conversation Abby had with her father on their walk. The banter back and forth was delightful to read! Abby's responses to all of her father's comments made me smile. I get the impression that's she's a pretty smart and witty character!

Speaking of characters, I agree with Carlito that the amount of characters introduced is quite a lot! Mostly it can just be overwhelming and hard to track, especially in a first chapter where the reader is (presumably) new to the world/characters. One thing I think could help is distinguishing the characters more. What do they look like? What are they wearing? What are they doing between dialogue--waving their arms about, rolling their eyes. One bit I really liked in this chapter was the description of Mr. Sherman in the beginning with his cigar and newspaper and his semi-disinterest in the conversation. I think more contextual imagery and even physical descriptions of characters is one way to make new characters appearances' less overwhelming to the reader.

I really loved the start of this! I know a bit about the plot already (hehehehe) and I'm really excited to see how things play out, and I'm VERY excited to learn more about Abby and what her character is like. I hope we get a bit more of that wit, because it was so fun to read!

Onto the next!
Peace,
~EternalRain




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review, Rain! I will definitely introduce some of the characters later in the next draft.



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Thu Sep 10, 2020 1:33 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hey! Thanks for tagging me :)

I have a few thoughts so far!

1. I appreciate reading historical fiction because I like to learn and I appreciate all of the work that goes into writing a historical piece. Now this is a first draft so not everything has to be perfect yet, but historical fiction takes a TON of research. Everything from hairstyles to homes to jobs to shoes to everything has to be meticulously researched. I'm not sure what year we're in here, but little things like the MC referring to slaves as "black Americans" - we in the modern era may call Black people Black Americans, but in the year you're writing, was this the term (even among non slave holding families), probably not.

2. I'd love for you to zoom out a little bit more. We have a lot of dialogue in this opening, and while dialogue isn't a bad thing to start with, I want a little more context. I had a hard time keeping all of the characters straight and who is related or associated with who and who does what. We don't have to meet everyone in the first chapter. Give me a feel for maybe 3-4 main players and save the others for another day. I want a sense in this first chapter of what makes the MC the MC and what she wants. I want a sense of what the overall plot is going to be going forward and why I should keep reading on.

I totally get that it's a first draft so you're still figuring some things out too :) I have so many questions about this MC beyond what she wants and what's standing in her way. How did she develop this relationship with Tabitha when others around her don't see Tabitha as a human being? How does she feel towards the family keeping Tabitha as a slave? You don't have to fully answer these questions in the first chapter, but you could give us some hints about how she feels in the way she responds to the world around her. Show us how she responds (don't tell us).

But like I said in the beginning, I appreciate and am often intrigued by historical fiction! I'm looking forward to finding out more about these characters and how the plot is going to develop :)

I'll hop on over to the next chapter. Please let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




LZPianoGirl says...


Thank you so much for the review! I will do more research and improve my next draft.



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Wed Sep 09, 2020 11:23 pm
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Rosewood wrote a review...



Why hello there!

I just like to start off by saying, this was very enjoyable to read! I usually dislike reading any historical fiction aside from WW2 accounts, but this was right down my alley.

So, I'd usually start by going through and pointing out where corrections need to be made, but try as I might, I cannot find any here. So, as it's my duty to give you an actual full and helpful review, I'm going to dedicate this to pointing out your strengths.

“‘Ello missus, Abigail,” Tabs accepted the hug and invited Abby inside.


This was most definitely not the only example of this, but I loved how the language varied! Each character with a different background had a different way of speaking, which I've noticed most people around our age do not seem to have. Even Abby, a young version of her parents and her aunt and uncle, almost seems to be a little less uptight and proper, which is natural for a young adult her age.

This is where my terms will become slightly less formal. Your writing, which I'm going to say is in the 'Pip-pop' style, (yes, I made that up), was incredibly well written! Usually in that style, authors tend to drag on one subject for too long and completely jump over an actually important topic.

For example:

"Rachel... is this true? You're pregnant?"
My words catch in my throat, "Dad, it isn't what it seems! Let me explain!"
My brother, Andrew, runs into the room panting. He's out of breath and his words are few, but powerful. "Ms. Terry... house... fire!"
We drop our things and rush over to help contain the blaze.

While this could be realistic, it isn't great for a story and leaves the reader either bored or confused. In your writing, the character easily navigates through the different situations without leaving me wondering what could've happened next, (if the subjects had been too short), or skipping lines, (if the subjects had been too long).

Lastly, I'd like to point out another aspect of the flow of your writing. I'm a sucker for short conversations where the few words mean a lot. I noticed that, while your characters are in a different time period where formal speaking is common, you find a way to modernize their language without changing it. You change the structure rather than the words, which is pretty clever.

As an example:

“It was not horrible this time, was it?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”



“We only stayed for two weeks and not four,” Mr. Strinbrall said as they passed the last field.

“Although that is true, we are returning here again in August.”



“Is that why you’re so upset?”



“I am not upset. Rather, the exact opposite, because we are leaving.”



“Mrs. Sherman refrained from attacking your beauty this time, which was nice.”



“Instead, she attacked my personality.”



Mr. Strinbrall chuckled, “Indeed, she did.”



Abigail and Mr. Strinbrall approached the carriage and were greeted by Mr. Sherman.”



“How was your walk, Abby?” He asked.



“Wonderful. It was very peaceful in the fields.”


Anyway, I loved it and my next stop will probably be chapter two. I look forward to how you continue this!




LZPianoGirl says...


Thank you, Rose! I appreciate the review!



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Wed Sep 09, 2020 6:55 pm
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lulon says...



first! also, love it!




LZPianoGirl says...


Thank you!




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