Published October 13, 2010
im not sure how to title, i wasn't really sure how to finish it; so i just left it.
untitled
Nothing means anything,
No maker of sense.
The trader of glory,
Says nothing, commence.
No passion behind the lust,
No truth behind despair
Just lies like city smoke
Polluting open air.
So walk on to fight,
To hold your own in
pressed against the sky
face against the skin.
watching a waiting lyrebird
he breathes in and smells decay
he turns, he’s lost the will to fight
he has nothing to say.
he’s arrogance apparent
it shows though he’s unseen
the innocence that once was white
is dirty and unclean.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hey guys thanks for your reviews
My punctuation is probably pretty dodgy so that might have created a bit of confusion, I’ll try to explain it to you just because this poem is really pretty close to home.
okay the first two lines are generally just about an idea of holding your own not waiting for someone esle to come and fight for you. These next two i can understand how this is confusing as it’s more of a personal fascination, have you ever heard of people referencing to the sky as the skins between this world and the next? That’s all it means quite literally, gods face pressed against the skin of our world watching.
“Watching a waiting lyrebird
he breathes in and smells decay
he turns, he’s lost the will to fight
he has nothing to say.”
This just explains what he sees, it’s also pretty straight forward, I often refer to the lyrebird as a metaphor for something that is maybe not what it seems. God is watching the world, which is waiting for him. He breathes is and smells decay; the rest is all pretty obvious, he is passing judgment on the world and choosing to do nothing, i did have another stanza in here talking about a burning world but I deleted it.
he’s arrogance apparent
it shows though he’s unseen
the innocence that once was white
is dirty and unclean.
The first line is just suggesting that a rash judgement on humanity is a bit arrogant which is obvious as his lack of presence suggests. The next line basically just suggest that maybe we are not the only ones ‘decaying’ saying pretty much the innocence of god which once was white is dirty and unclean.
I hope this helps this helps you understand, i’de love you both to come back and tell me what you think of my explanation.
I really liked the beginning, and I really like the theme. however, some of your stanzas seem a little forced. Your word choices are marvelous, but you may want to try and re-word some of the stanzas, as, again, it was slightly difficult to read and follow, and felt awkward at times. I certainly hope this was helpful :/ Write on
) For example-
-edit-
ALSO! You mentioned not knowing how to end the poem. Might I suggest simply re-wording the first stanza (as it was my favorite
"For nothing means anything,
No maker of sense
It leaves me with sorrow
And bitter suspense."
Or SOMETHING like that, as that was not very good D: But I certainly hope you get the point. Write on:)
1. i liked the flow of the poem
2.you used great words
3.i thinks you should try using more rhyming words.
this was a great poem.
keep writing!