disgusted

Hi there. I am 567ajt. I have arrived to review your poem.

I won't go into too much detail into what I thought initially, but that shall be revealed in my long winded and painfully dull analysis. By all means, let me know if I go into too much detail.

The higher the shoes, the harder the mask
The higher the head, said the face that laughed
Higher, happier, head in the clouds
Missed it, tricked it, said the head that pounds

This has a nice rhyming scheme. You also have nice imagery within your writing. You also use "the something, the something" really effective. This part of your poem is cryptic and incredibly sophisticated in language. Great start to a *hopefully* great poem.

Can’t you hear me, said the young mans mother
Don’t you see me said the father’s brother
Don’t you want me said the girl who smiled
I don’t get you said the boy to the world

Until this part. I don't like this part. It just feels empty. Also, use speech marks. It indicates who is speaking and looks confusing. I like the way you are going with this poem, but even some things need to be uncryptic. I just didn't feel it linked to the previous stanza, and didn't really link to the title. We are still not knowing what is disgusting. You need to either delete this stanza, or heavily edit it.

And so it was that their minds unraveled
While over them all, the music traveled
Harder and darker, the base would pound
And so it ended, the child drowned…

NOW we get back on track. I think this is a gorgeous stanza, perfected with fine and considered craft. NOW we know why they are disgusted. The child drowning is symbolic of disgust. At least to me, anyways.

I dunno about this piece. Do two stellar stanzas cancel out one bad one? You are two-thirds of the way there, so I shall rate your poem accordingly. Good job.

6.66/10