What if love was a mere mortal?
Would you still fall in love with me?
Would we still lie on a carpet horizontal?
Thinking for the furthest star in reach?
Or would it all be vice versa?
---
Shadow, dubious is shaping shells of fellows.
Uncertainty breeds phobia and fear
Cold breeze opens inner window, shallow.
Distancing feelings from Shangri-La.
---
And yet feeling's a bit warm and mellow
Sitting on a chair and thinking more.
Dark hair, brown eyes garments were yellow.
And your beauty did mesmer all in town.
---
I sat in front of you, looked in your eyes.
One glance at you, I didn't have a choice.
I had a one way ticket to where heaven lies.
Having another wouldn't make me mind.
---
Doors...Doors... don't open doors.
I do not want to take a step out.
All you say I will endorse,
No other thoughts shall I have thought.
---
You are standing still frozen like a frozen silk.
With a big smile gazing through my eyes.
Time has stopped by, from the moment it did bilk.
Hitherto and after nothing alters what I've seen.
---
Moon is bright and out of sight.
You are shy but so am I.
With a bewilderment and pride.
We hold each other like one might.
---
Time passes, we're still together.
I'm holding door for you, you're holding my hand.
To our love we want to surrender.
Our love is still spoken, no need to mend.
---
But since forever is forever immortal
There’s a question yet I have.
What if love is a mere mortal?
Will you still fall in love with me?
Or will it all be vice versa?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, I'll be reviewing your piece today!
I love how you start and end in question form. It was a little rocky at the beginning; I saw a whole bunch of questions and began reading, unsure of the poem. Then it kicked off to some well written imagery, describing shadows, eyes, anything you could. Because you ended with questions, I felt that instead of this order:
The first question listed should be last. Simply because it would tie back to the main theme and title, if love were a mere mortal. I would find that well thought out.
Something I noticed, too, was the change of tense. In the beginning, you asked a question in past tense, then in the end, a question in present tense. Just read through the poem and make sure you're not switching back and forth between tenses -- then it gets confusing!
Another thing I would suggest is formatting. You've got the written portion done; a little formatting will surely impact the writing! A page I found about stanzas and using them. This might help you. But, to sum it up, stanzas help break apart ideas and concepts into sections. I think stanzas in your poem would really help it. Just play around with the formatting!
I wasn't a huge fan of rhyming within lines kind of thing, like this:
It kind of strayed from the writing portion itself and the content within it didn't make as much sense as before. It was awkward to read merely because it began rhyming out of no where. I understand the ABAB rhyming pattern you had going on with multiple lines, but then this was a little random. I just wish it were planned out slightly better.
I hope this review helped! If you have and questions please ask!
neptune
yes putting the beginning in a present tense would make it less confusing for a reader. I have changed it several times until I published it, but I wanted to show little regret in a poem, hence the past tense. but now when I look at it I don't think it works that way
. Now about stanzas, I had 5 lines in the first and last stanzas. the "vice versa" parts were fifth lines. and then 4 lines every other stanzas.
"Moon is bright and out of sight.
You are shy but so am I."
I feel like if it is put in stanzas this part makes more sense . but I'm new here and any tips would be great thank you for the comment. Better poems are coming I promise.
Great way to show love. It is something to think about. Would you still believe in love if love was a regular person? Would it still be as popular and honored if it were indeed mortal? The sensory details are amazing and the use of pauses. By adding question marks you are giving the illusion of someone struggling to ask very important questions. I think stanza separation would be a good addition to the poem. However, personally I still don’t know how to do them on this website. Beautiful poem!
I think stanza separation would be a good addition too and in fact I tried to add it, but it didn't work and I left it like that. any suggestions ?
I love this poem I love the idea being portrayed of how love may be different if it were indeed a physical person
I'm glad you liked it.
Feel free to criticize Fellows
, I am looking for improvements. I am a open minded person. If you like it please leave a like and tell me if you want to see more. 