It has been one year since the death of Wally,since the demise of Manta.The team,or most of them have moved on,Dick has left the team,Aqualad now has dreadlocks,Superboy and Megan are more calm and sociable now,but he still has some anger issues,Lex Luthor has become president but secretly still works as a villain,and they are still protecting the world.
Fire spread across the city,bombs being dropped.People running,screaming in terror.......unknown creatures,killing.............as a ship.........hovers over the city.The ground,scattered with teammates.Dead..........beat.....as a creature of death and pain.....rises above them."I....have....risen........." The voice booms then............echos...and fades."Ahhhhhh!" Me'gan sits up....she sees her dresser,scattered with pictures.It was dark out still with moonlight shining through the window.She pants as she tries to remember this dream.Her bedroom door opens...."Megan.....are you alright?" Conner stood there in his sweats and a plain grey t-shirt."Yes......I'm just fine.Thank you."She answers."Ok,if you need anything,I'm right down the hall." He says as he starts to walk away."Wait Conner." "Yes?" "May I?" She asks." Of course." He says.He goes and sits on her bed.She raises her hands to the sides of his head.They close their eyes........she sifts through his mind......finding calming thoughts......as she drifts to sleep."Goodnight Megan." He says as he kisses her forehead
Morning comes,the sun shines through the windows of Mount Justice.Every room is calm.....except for this one.........Connor lightly opens his eyes.His nightstand next to him with a picture of Me'gan and a lamp sit to the left of his bed with Wolf's bed on the other.He sits up and slips on his shirt."Ooooh ooh ooh." Something grunts.Connor looks around the room,"Hello? Is there someone there?" He asked aloud.His fists clench as he gets ready to defend himself."Ooooh ooh ooh...........AAAH AAH AAH!!!!" A green monkey pops out from under the bed." Ahhhhh!!" He yells.Then the monkey transforms...........into Beast Boy." Hahaha,I got ya! Still afraid of monkeys I see.Hahaha!" "BEAST BOY!" Well the hallways were no longer peaceful.......as Superboy chases Beast boy through the hallways,the rest of the team is in the cafeteria.
Megan sits at a table,thinking."Hey,are you alright?" Aqualad says as he sits down."Oh,yeah I'm fine.I was just.....thinking." She looks back down."You seem,scared." He notices." No no I'm fine.I'm just a little sleepy." She smiles."Alright,if you need anything,I am here." He says.They keep eating as Superboy walk in the room."Connor,are you ok?" Megan asks.She looks at the scar on his arm."Oh,yeah......a little run in....with a goblin." He says as he takes a tuff of green hair off of his shirt."I would avoid the west corridor if I were you." He says as he walks away."Uhhhh ok." Aqualad says."So Kaldur,how has Art-....I mean Tigris been?" She asks.I don't know,she hasn't been easy to talk to ever since." He answers."I know it's been hard on her.....I just want her to know we are here for her." She says."I think all she needs is more time." He says as they look at her.
"Oh Wally,I miss you so much." Tigris sits and remembers her boyfriend,her love.Ever since Kid Flash evaporated into the timeline and was erased,Artemis hasn't been the same.She is now Tigris.Artemis is her name,but Tigris is now her hero name."Artemis,this is Megen.....I'm using telepathy right now...don't push us away.Please,we care about you.I'm so sorry about Wally,and he will always be remembered as one of the best teammates."Miss Martian finishes,but her message isn't taken the right way." I know he's dead,,and I don't want your sympathy,now stay out of my head!" Tigris yells telepathically and Miss Martian is pushed out the trance."Ahhh!" Megan yells out in pain." Megan!" Connor yells.They run over and Kaldurr examins her." She will be fine.They all look at Tigris."Wha-------I--." She mutters,then runs out of the room."No Tigris It's ok,I-" Megan tries to yell."I didn't mean to upset her,I was just trying to help." She says." I don't think she wants.........nor deserves our help." Connor says.
Tigris closes her room door."Sniffle,sniff."She gets out a case and starts packing.She hears a zoom and a whoosh.She looks over and her door is open.She looks back." Ahh!" "Ohh,sorry,didn't mean to startle you,why are you packing?" The new Kid Flash,(Bart Allen),asks." Sigh,I'm leaving." She said." Why? This place is the best! " He asked again." Because I don't belong-" "Of course you do!" He interupts." I'm leaving,because this place has to many-" " But memories are good!" He interupts again." YOU! I am leaving because of you!If you had been faster that day,maybe it could have made up for Wally and I would still have him!You did this!Now get out of my room and don't bother me again!" She yells.Bart gasped and ran out of the room.She finished and walked out of the room in her regular clothes.She passes Blue Beetle." Hey girl,where are you going?" He asks."I'm leaving.............goodbye Jaime." She says as she leaves.
"What do you mean,gone?" Aqualad asks." She left her communicator behind and said she was leaving.......she said it was all my fault............if I was faster......and she was right." Kid Flash says." No,Bart,she was just angry,this wasn't your fault." Miss Martian says."In fact,if anyones,this is my fault." She says." This is no ones fault.We all miss him......but we can't do anything about it but.....move on." Connor says.Beebeepleepobeep.......Kaldurs communicator rings."I'll be back in a minute he says as he walks a few feet away."Hello...yes it is going well.We should be only a week away from finishing.I got your schematics last night and applied them,they worked.We can do this.........Nightwing."
"It's Dick now,Kaldur.I'm just checking in on.....the project." Dick says through the communicator."It is going well.The DNA filer has excepted and we are moving on two phase two." He whispers."Good.Contact me when you get to phase three."He says." Like I said,about a week,and will do.....and Nightwing....we miss you here." Kaldur says.A sigh is heard and the call ends."Phase three will work....it has to."Dick says to himself.He sits on a couch,leaning forward.
It had all been quiet that day,until," Alert,alert." The team formed into the main hall."Computer,open alert." Kaldur says.It opens a map." A break in at Military Base sub-D." The computer says."Alright team,suit up." Connor says.They all suited up,and headed for the outer skirts of the city.They arrive at the base.It seemed to be quiet......to quiet for a break in."Come in,is everyone in position?" "Copy that." Says Superboy." Ditto." Kid Flash says."I'm here." Says Miss Martian."Connor,can you see anything?" Kaldur asks.Connor tries to look through the walls of the base,but can't."No,it's lead lined steel." He says,feeling a bit helpless."All right,head for the roof everyone." Kaldur says.As they get up to the roof,they look through the top paneling,but can see nothing."Wait,someone's unpacking a crate in the far left corridor."Megan says."I see him...............Megan,now." Kaldur says.Megan phases them through as they drop to the floor."You,Stop!" Kid Flash yells."Screeeeeech!" "Ahhhhhh!" The team hold their ears shut as the creature lets out a ear numbing screech."I can see him." Connor says.He runs at it,but the second he does he gets blasted back by beams."Connor!" Megan yells."Get that thing!" He yells back.Then the creature leaps up and disappears into the shafts above."Split up......and keep a look out." Kaldur says.
Quiet.All that is heard are footsteps........and the flutter of wings."Has anyone got visuals on this thing?" Connor asks telepathically."Negative.Nope." Everyone answers.Click click..............click click.A sound was heard in the shafts,followed by the sound of wings."Ok,I'm gonna see if-." "Kid,look out!" Connor yells as a fireball flames towards him."Ahhh!" He yells out.Kaldur runs over and extinguishes the flame."Screeeech!" The thing swooped from the ceiling and grabbed Kaldur."'Grunt'" The creature knocks him out."Raaaaaaaarrwww!" Superboy yells as he claps......and a wave of air knocks the creature against the wall.Kaldur falls to the ground,still unconscious.The creature stands up and grabs the thing it came for,and flew out the window."Kaldur.........are you alright." Megan asked.Regaining his strength,he nodded his head."What was that thing?" Kid Flash asked."Well,let me see.Before Kaldur was knocked out,he saw it.If I can reach through,I can find the mental image." Megan said.She put her hands around his head.Whooooosh...........the creature....coming at her......large,yellow eyes..........a body like a bat..but green.Giant teeth.........large pointy ears.She begins to stop,when she picks up something else.Fire............more of these creatures..........destruction.She backs out of his head"Ahhhh." She groans as she holds her head."Megan,are you ok?" Kid Flash asked."Yes.......I will be fine.This is what it looks like." She says as she stands up and gives them each the image in their mind."Well we know what it looks like,but why was it here?" Connor asks."It took a 7-bg4 type bomb.That is a bomb....and a pretty powerful one at that."Kaldur says."Why does it need it,is what we need to know." Kid Flash says."Well we know for sure...it cannot be something good." Connor says.They all agree," Alright,lets get back to the mountain.As the all go back to the ship,Megan trails behind.........'What is going on with me'.
The next day,the team was training.Superboy and Aqualad were training through weights,Miss Martian and Zatanna were working on mind tricks and levitation,and the other were doing fighting skills and technique.All still wondering what happened last night,especially Megan."Kid,aren't you gonna train?" Asks Blue Beetle to Kid Flash." Nah hermano,I prefer protein shakes."He says as he slurps one down."It's my special recipe of protein powder,whey,milk,cat food,hay,dog kibble,and bananas." Beast Boy says as he comes up next to Kid Flash.Kid Flash look at his cup and back up again."Meh,not that bad." He says as he slurps more down.The mountain then starts to stumble and quake."What's happening!" Yells Miss Martian.The rumbling starts to get louder"It's getting closer." Connor yells.Then I flaming thing hurdles through the mountain and into the floor.The equipment scattered and was on fire."The fire,ahhhhh." Miss M falls to the floor." Get Megan out of here." Connor says.He steps forward and inhales,sucking in the fire and smoke,then blows it away.Superboy,after a deathly battle against the monstrous Doomsday,found his powers and now has heat vision,freezing breath,super breath,and flight."What is that thing?" Kid asks."Kaldur covers it with water.................and they all back away."It-...........it's an alien...........a girl alien."Blue Beetle answers.
"Shhhh,she's waking up."The team gathered around this alien,wondered what this thing is,as she starts to awaken."Ahhh....whe-......'gasp'.....Goo laa mignor lap! Sig tai org daa!" The alien rises out of the bed,looking to be anywhere around 16-18,with her eyes glowing green and green energy surrounding her hands,she yells a foreign language." Miya bignorp ballah glorp." " Uhhhhh,hi,I'm Kid Flash,I can run super fast and I carried you in here,sooooooo-" He pauses as she starts to go at him." so please don't hurt me!." He said nervously.She stops in front of him.....staring angrily at him,then kisses him.The team gasped as she continued.Her eyes glowed white and she stopped.His eyes still closed,he mutters out,"uhhhhh-.........what?" He says.She hovers above the floor and lands.Her eyes stop glowing,"My apologies.I was confused and scared and confused.Now would you kindly tell me where I am located?" The woman asks.Miss Martian steps up." Hi,I'm Megan,I'm a martian." "I know what you are.I am Starfire.........I am a Tamaranean." She says."I have heard of your species but never met any.I'm glad to meet you."She says."How did I get in this medical facility?" She asks."Actually this is a mountain,Mount Justice is it's name.You actually crashed through it.Do you remember anything?" Connor asks." No,I do not,it was kind of you to do this but these garbs are not appreciated." She says....as she takes the gown off."Whoa whoa put it back on." They all yell."I am sorry,I am not used to these such rules."She says."Well we are soooooo.....just keep them on." Kid Flash says.
They give Starfire back her clothes and give her some food.She sat in the medical bay,eating............a lot.Miss Martian comes through the door and sits with her."Hi Starfire,I'm here to talk." She says as she sits down."What would you like to know?" "Well,not much really,we want to know where you came from and why.You were on fire when you crashed.You were muttering but no words were heard."She says."So you would like to read my mind?" She asks." "Yes,I would.Unless you don't want me to." She says."No,it is fine.I too would like to know why I am here,as well."She answers.Ok,then may I?" She asks as she raises her hands to her head."Of course." She answered.'Ok Me'gan,here we go.'
"I don't trust this alien.What if she is,or was,working for Reach?" Connor asks as they watch through the window of the medical bay."I don't think so,hermano,I mean........she's orange...and they were green." Blue Beetle says."How about if we don't have anything smart to say........don't say anything at all." Connor says."Now now,Connor.......is that the way we talk to friends." A voice says.They look around and see......."Dick?! Is that you?" Blue Beetle asks."Yep,it's me." He answers."I like the mullet man." Kid says." Thanks." He responds/Then the girls walk in."Oh no.........." Kid Flash mutters."DICK!!!!! YOUR BACK!!" They all say as they rush over and hug him."Yes....ok ok....it's nice to see you,Zatanna,Bumblebee,and-....wait wheres Barbera?"He asks." I'm here." She says.He turns to find her coming......in a wheel chair."Barbera......what happened?" He asks as he kneels down."Just a run in with Joker....no biggie.I work as a navigator slash filer here now.I help navigate through missions,and it's Oracle now......Oh.....I missed you Dick."She says as she hugs him."I missed you to Barbera."He says.A tear runs down his face..........'If only I hadn't left....maybe she would still be.....' He thinks."So why are you here?" Asks Connor."He is here because I called him.We....have been working on something...........that is finished."Kaldur says as he walks in."What is it?" Kid asks."Follow us........
Back in the Medical Bay,Megan reaches through Starfire's mind,and finds something.......Fire.......a planet with tall buildings burning to the ground.Creatures,the ones like that creature from the warehouse that night, swooping from the skies,taking children.Adults,being shot and pushed into a volcano.A monster.....leading the attack.A girl,afraid...taken..her family calling out,"Koriand'r!" As their shot down...her home...a palace...exploding.She is taken aboard a ship..,the one from Me'gans dream,destroying everything.She is being tortured........hurt.The monster laughs,and throws her into a pit.The pit leads into space,where she falls to earth."'Gasp'!"Megan takes a breath and backs away."What? What have you seen?" She asks."You..........your home..........is gone.Destroyed......by a dark creature,and he's here."
Stirefire stands,confused,mortified."Show me." She says."What?Why would you want to know something like this?" Megan asks." I do not....I would like tho see the animal I will inflict massive pain and death on.Now please,show me my memories." Megan stand.Her mind still refused the idea,but they were her memories."Alright,here." She says as she lifts her hands.Starfire,her face struck with surprise,grief and sorrow,could not believe what she was remembering.A tear dropped from her eye...........as Megan stopped."My......family......my home....." She whimpered."Do you know who that was?" Megan asked."Yes.............that.....was Darkseid." 'He was the one in my dream........and those creatures............they're here.
"So you led us to the basement?" Blue Beetle asks." It is a nice basement." Kid Flash jokes."No....we led you to this." Aqualad says as he pushes a button.The lights flicker as the ground shakes................part of the floor starts to turn..........and in seconds a machine appears."What.The flip.Is that?"Kid asks."This............is a Polaritron.Similar as to what........."took"....Wally from us.You see,when Wally was taken,he wasn't vaporized,well he was, but his speed force was left in the rift of space he was taken into.This machine will crack that rift and pull the speed force back through.By bringing his speed force together it will reconstruct what it was living inside because it still has his atoms and dna in it.Unfortunately it didn't take one try to get his speed force.We had to open the rift numerous times to collect all of the atoms for reconstruction." Dick explained."So....you can get him back,but the speed force cannot possible have enough dna left in it to remake him." Oracle asked."That is why we have this." Aqualad says as he holds up a container with a hair in it."This...is one of Wally's hairs.We put this in the machine,and it drew the speed force from Wally back..................we can bring Wally back."The team gasped."We can get Wally back,but we have to do it now." Dick says."Ok,let's do it!" Connor yells.Aqualad comes up to Dick,"This could bring the whole mountain down."He says."That's a risk I'm willing to take........for a friend."Dick says as he goes to the machine.............and presses the button.
Wind,violent wind rushed through the mountain.The team held onto anything they could,as the machine rumbled and shook.The power was starting to drainas the lights were flickering." It isn't working!" Kaldur yells out."More time........give it a little more time." Dick yells holding onto a crate."Switch it off,he isn't here.....it is not working." Connor yells."Dick,please!"Oracle yells."Wait..........I see something!"Dick yells.He walks against the wind in the room.Trying to stay standing,he walks forward."DICK NO!" Barbera yells."Shut it off!" Kid Flash yells.Kaldur,with no choice, crawls to the switch.....and deactivates it.
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Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this lovely review day. Sorry if things I say don't make sense, as I'm very tired at the moment.
So...this is weird. Right now, the reason you don't have any reviews on this is because it's practically unreadable. I'm not sure what happened, but there's clearly some sort of formatting issue going on here.
In general, your problems are that you way overuse ellipses - they're only 3, occasionally four characters. Any more is unnecessary and amateurish. Also, you don't have any spaces between a lot of your words. There are always, with absolutely no exceptions in English, spaces between words.
Your grammar is actually not too bad overall, ignoring the lack of spaces and excess ellipses. Really, the only major problem I see with it is that you tend to forget quotation marks around your dialogue, which are essential. You also occasionally have comma splices, which are when you join what should be two sentences into one, using a comma. For example: "Jack ran up the hill, Jill followed him." is a comma splice.
You also need to split up your paragraphs - every time there's a new line of dialogue, you're supposed to have a new paragraph. Plus, it just makes it easier to read.
As far as the story goes, it definitely has potential. It's fast-paced and interesting, though almost too fast-paced in parts - its sometimes hard to tell what's going on because there's so many characters that we've been just barely introduced to.
That's all I've got today! Keep writing!
hello person! phangirl here on this amazing review day to review your work!
"It has been one year since the death of Wally,(space should be entered here) since the demise of Manta."The team,(space should be entered here) or most of them have moved on,(space should be entered here) Dick has left the team,,(space should be entered here) Aqualad now has dreadlocks,(space should be entered here) Superboy and Megan are more calm and sociable now,(space should be entered here) but he still has some anger issues,(space should be entered here) Lex Luthor has become president but secretly still works as a villain,(space should be entered here) and they are still protecting the world.
okay i've got a couple of nitpickes for you...
i think you really over used the elipses (...)there is like a lot of them! you should use only 3 of them at a time! otherwise they look really over! so i sugest edit it!
Spoiler
Fire spread across the city,(space should be entered here) bombs being dropped.People running,screaming in terror.......unknown creatures,(space should be entered here) killing.............as a ship.........hovers over the city.The ground,(space should be entered here) scattered with teammates.Dead..........beat.....as a creature of death and pain.....rises above them."I....have....risen........." The voice booms then............echos...and fades."Ahhhhhh!" Me'gan sits up....she sees her dresser,(space should be entered here) scattered with pictures.It was dark out still with moonlight shining through the window.She pants as she tries to remember this dream.Her bedroom door opens...."Megan.....are you alright?" Conner stood there in his sweats and a plain grey t-shirt."Yes......I'm just fine.Thank you."She answers."Ok,if you need anything,(space should be entered here) I'm right down the hall." He says as he starts to walk away."Wait Conner." "Yes?" "May I?" She asks." Of course." He says.He goes and sits on her bed.She raises her hands to the sides of his head.(space should be entered here) They close their eyes........she sifts through his mind......finding calming thoughts......as she drifts to sleep."Goodnight Megan." He says as he kisses her forehead
Morning comes,(space should be entered here) the sun shines through the windows of Mount Justice.Every room is calm.....except for this one.........Connor lightly opens his eyes.His nightstand next to him with a picture of Me'gan and a lamp sit to the left of his bed with Wolf's bed on the other.He sits up and slips on his shirt."Ooooh ooh ooh." Something grunts.Connor looks around the room,"Hello? Is there someone there?" He asked aloud.His fists clench as he gets ready to defend himself."Ooooh ooh ooh...........AAAH AAH AAH!!!!" A green monkey pops out from under the bed." Ahhhhh!!" He yells.Then the monkey transforms...........into Beast Boy." Hahaha,(space should be entered here) I got ya! Still afraid of monkeys I see.Hahaha!" "BEAST BOY!" Well the hallways were no longer peaceful.......as Superboy chases Beast boy through the hallways,the rest of the team is in the cafeteria.
Megan sits at a table,thinking."Hey,are you alright?" Aqualad says as he sits down."Oh,yeah I'm fine.I was just.....thinking." She looks back down."You seem,scared." He notices." No no I'm fine.I'm just a little sleepy." She smiles."Alright,if you need anything,I am here." He says.They keep eating as Superboy walk in the room."Connor,are you ok?" Megan asks.She looks at the scar on his arm."Oh,yeah......a little run in....with a goblin." He says as he takes a tuff of green hair off of his shirt."I would avoid the west corridor if I were you." He says as he walks away."Uhhhh ok." Aqualad says."So Kaldur,(space should be entered here) how has Art-....I mean Tigris been?" She asks.I don't know,(space should be entered here) she hasn't been easy to talk to ever since." He answers."I know it's been hard on her.....I just want her to know we are here for her." She says."I think all she needs is more time." He says as they look at her.
"Oh Wally,I miss you so much." Tigris sits and remembers her boyfriend,her love.Ever since Kid Flash evaporated into the timeline and was erased,Artemis hasn't been the same.She is now Tigris.Artemis is her name,(space should be entered here) but Tigris is now her hero name."Artemis,this is Megen.....I'm using telepathy right now...don't push us away.Please,we care about you.I'm so sorry about Wally,and he will always be remembered as one of the best teammates."Miss Martian finishes,but her message isn't taken the right way." I know he's dead,,and I don't want your sympathy,now stay out of my head!" Tigris yells telepathically and Miss Martian is pushed out the trance."Ahhh!" Megan yells out in pain." Megan!" Connor yells.They run over and Kaldurr examins her." She will be fine.They all look at Tigris."Wha-------I--." She mutters,then runs out of the room."No Tigris It's ok,I-" Megan tries to yell."I didn't mean to upset her,I was just trying to help." She says." I don't think she wants.........nor deserves our help." Connor says.
Tigris closes her room door."Sniffle,sniff."She gets out a case and starts packing.She hears a zoom and a whoosh.(space should be entered here) She looks over and her door is open.(space should be entered here) She looks back." Ahh!" "Ohh,sorry,didn't mean to startle you,why are you packing?" The new Kid Flash,(Bart Allen),asks." Sigh,I'm leaving." She said." Why? This place is the best! " He asked again." Because I don't belong-" "Of course you do!" He interupts." I'm leaving,(space should be entered here) because this place has to many-" " But memories are good!" He interupts again." YOU! I am leaving because of you!If you had been faster that day,maybe it could have made up for Wally and I would still have him!You did this!Now get out of my room and don't bother me again!" She yells.Bart gasped and ran out of the room.She finished and walked out of the room in her regular clothes.She passes Blue Beetle." Hey girl,(space should be entered here) where are you going?" He asks."I'm leaving.............goodbye Jaime." She says as she leaves.
....and so on!
thats all i've got..but i really liked your work it has quite a potential!
happy review day!
phangirl~