Published March 31, 2010
The mindful eyes of the forest stand
on the hill,strong and sure.
Watching, watching
Unable to warn of a fiery danger
surging across the sea of leaves
The cries of the trapped animals and humans
alike fall upon the keepers'ears
Chop, pain, crash
They are free, they have survived
Your destiny fulfilled join your ancestors
in the hall of heroes.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
Thank you. I appreciate all the comments and critiques they are very helpful. Thank you jaceclayton
Enh, I don't think it really needs any work. You know I love it so :]
Hey! My name is Chris...umm...or..Christian if you would like. I will be your reviewer for today!
Ok, buddy: I would like to tell you that I like your metaphors. They give a goodsense of imagery.
I would like to see more from this. It has potential given the metaphors and the descriptive language. You should work on the middle a bit more. It looks like you rush the story a bit. I my opinion if you rush to the ending of anything, the ending should at least be jaw dropping, you know?
Suggestion: Think over the plot and add to it. The plot can be intriguing to read, just elaborate on the story. Within one to two lines the conflict is resolved. If that is the case, in any poem, then that is a rather boring poem to read. Using your skills in metaphor and taking more time to elaborate on the story I think this will an excellent poem. If you decide on revising it then let me know and I will be more than happy to read it! Good luck and happy writing!!
If you need anything at all just PM me please!
Much Love,
Chris
Well, I'd say it isn't bad. I think WritingWords covered a lot of the tweaks I'd suggest, and the main one I want to add is the second to last line:
Shouldn't "you" be "your"?
Now, there are questions. What is the forest's eye? The tallest tree? A forest ranger's tower? The sun? Just curious. Also, I feel a bit puzzled about "you", since it is used only in the last stanza.
So definitely, there are things to fix and to further develop, but I think this has enough potential to avoid the scrap pile. Especially if you could expand on the theme of vulnerability/helplessness at the wildfire, as you started to do, it could really turn out nice in terms of affecting the emotions.
See you around.
–antimelrose
First of all, good job on the metaphors.
Your poem needs more work, though. Could you include more descriptive adjectives instead of just ex. "tall"? It would definitely make the poem be much more smoother. Also, for some parts, I think there is no need for too many words.
If you reread it, this line sounds sort of bumpy. Tom make it flow more, I would rewrite it as "Unable to warn of a fiery danger". Just take out the few unnessecary words. Furthermore, I think you should be more clear of who's "they". I was confused while reading this line.
I don't understand who "they" are.
Try formatting your poem better, too. Some lines are run-ons with other lines. Overall, it is a pretty good poem. It just needs a little revising.
If you have any questions, just ask me by PM.
sorry about the first line it just won't stay where I put it grrr