The opposites

I’m perfectly fine not talking to anyone and being alone. It’s kind of ironic because my name means “life,” but I am anything but full of life. If anything, life seems to disappear all around me. But it won’t leave me. Why else would I be in this hospital? It’s not like I willingly chose to come here. The people in this place don’t know how to mind their own business. The nurses keep trying to get me to open up and talk to others but I don't want to associate with these people. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against them and they all have their own problems, but I won't be here for long. I'll get out sooner or later. I know I'm most likely getting out soon because I follow all the rules and take my meds. The only thing I don't do is-

“Hello Evalyn,” says the nurse as she walks up behind me. I see it's Ms. Mackie. I don’t say anything in return. She’s a nice nurse, but I prefer not to get close to people.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me.”

Then why are you here?

“But I have someone who is now going to be your roommate. He transferred here a few days ago, and I doubt you've met him, but I think it would be good for you to talk to each other, and, quite frankly, he needs to quiet down a little bit. I want you to meet Azrael.”

I look over at the boy next to Ms. Mackie. I know who Azrael is. I've been watching him since he transferred here. He talks to everyone, he's nice to everyone, and is always happy. That's ironic since his name means death but he's so full of life. I wonder why he’s here.

“Hi! It's nice to meet you. What's your name?” He’s so loud… Does he not have any volume control?

Ms. Mackie chimes in. “Her name is Evalyn. She doesn't talk much but hopefully you’ll get her to talk more.” I do talk just not to any of you. Ms. Mackie gives me a small smile. I’m gonna hate this.

“When is snack time?” I look at Ms. Mackie.

“You know when it is.” she tells me, crossing her arms. I squint at her and sigh. “Five more minutes.” She smiles at me. I nod back at her, and she walks away. The staff and I have our routine. They know I won't talk, and if I do, I keep it short, so they're decently patient with me.

“So, what do you like to eat?” Azrael asks as he sits down next to me smiling. I stare blankly at him. He nods “I like eating those peanut butter crackers. Peanut butter is really good.” I nod in agreement, and he smiles at me.

“So do you know how to play cards?” I nod “what games?” I stare at him “Poker?” I shake my head. “Blackjack?” I nod. We keep doing that until he runs out of games to name.

“Okay so you know how to play Blackjack, Speed, James bond, Trash, solitaire, and Kings corner. You got a deck?” he asks, looking at me. I pull a deck of cards out of my pocket. I always carry one cause you never know when you might need it. We played a few rounds of Speed and James bond, me winning a majority of them.

“You're a card hustler y’know you play cards and don’t tell people you're good.” he says as he stretches his arms smiling. I shrug at him smirking. I get up. “Where are you going?” He asks me, getting up.

“Snack time.” He furrows his brows as Ms. Mackie announces to line up to get our snacks. “Did you memorize the whole schedule?” I nod and walk over to the line.

“Hi Azrael!” says Jessica walking over to him.

“Hey Jess.” They keep talking while I'm left alone. I don't mind it though I'm used to it.

I get what I always get for snack time. Peanut butter crackers with apple juice. It’s good there’s also not many other good options. I take a seat in the armchair in the back right corner against the wall (it’s my favorite area to sit since I can see everyone). The way they have the chairs lined up next to each other reminds me of the way they line the desks up at school. I kind of get why they have it set up like that because it makes it-

“Hey Evalyn.” Azrael says as he sits down next to me opening his bag of chips. I understand that he's my roommate, so he wants to talk to me, but he doesn't have to follow me around everywhere I go. “What did you get for a snack?” he asks, looking at me.

I raise my food up to show him.

“Peanut butter crackers are good. You like apple juice?” He asks, looking at my hand. I nod. I prefer this over orange juice, I don’t like it that much.

“Here you can have mine.” He reaches out his hand with the apple juice in it. I look at his hand and back at his face, not sure if I should take it or not. He nods and puts his hand closer to me. I decide that it can't hurt and take it from him. He smiles and continues eating his food. A nurse walks into the room with a clipboard in hand.

“Evalyn. I need you to come with me.” she says waiting for me to come.

I stand up and put my food on my chair. Azrael watches as I walk away. They are probably trying to get me to talk to them again, I don’t understand why they keep trying, they know I won’t so they should just let me leave. I walk into the room with the nurse and see the psychiatrist there too. What the hell is going on? I take a seat across from them looking around the room.

“Evalyn, we wanted to talk to you about you being discharged.” The nurse says she looks at me. About time I got out of here. “We can’t discharge you yet.” the psychiatrist adds, looking at me.

“What?” I ask leaning forward looking at them angrily. They look at me surprised. I guess this is the first time they’ve ever heard me talk, I mean it makes sense. “I follow all the rules, I follow the schedule, I don't get into fights with other patients or staff, I leave my room. So why the hell can't I leave yet!” I yell standing up slamming my hands against the table.

“Evalyn, we need you to calm down.” the nurse says, staring at me. I keep my eyes on the psychiatrist. He needs to explain himself right now. The psychiatrist stares back at me.

“We know that you follow all of the rules. But you don’t talk to others here. That includes talking about why what happened.” I stare at him fury in my eyes, he sighs in return. “The reason for you being here is for you to get better and for you to do that you need to talk.” I’m breathing fast and heavy. I need to calm down, I can’t lose control .The psychiatrist speaks up.

“If you can sit down I would like to continue our conversation.” At his words I take a seat leaning back. This better be good. “As you know we’ve made Azrael your roommate in hopes of getting you to talk-” I cut him off.

“So, the only reason he’s been talking to me is because you made him!?” I shout, Shooting out of my seat. That jerk!

“Evalyn, we did not force him to talk to you we only hoped that he would influence you to talk more. He is-” The nurse tries to explain. She’s not doing a very good job at it. I’ve heard enough.

“That's a new low even for y'all.” I storm out of the room. So be it if he’s being forced to talk to me, I don’t care. I don’t need him.

Except I do.

I make it back to the common area with all of the chairs and ask a nurse to go back to my room. The nurse looked at me with concern and asked if I was alright. I don’t need her pity. Eventually she got up to open the door since the doors use a keycard. I take a quick survey of the room and go figure they are all staring at me.

I make it back to my room and sit on my bed. I didn’t even get to finish my snack damn. I was actually starting to like Azrael too, but no I can’t have anything good come my way it always ends or is a lie. I get up and walk over to my desk. I see my pack of markers and notebook there. I’m so blinded by rage that I don’t even realize I've thrown the makers on the ground. I’m still breathing heavily and I'm now tearing up. I haven’t freaked out this bad in a while. I wipe my eyes but that doesn’t help. I scream.

“God damn it!” I start to hit my head. One of the nurse's rushes in, I can’t tell who it is since I'm preoccupied. She tries to pull my ands away from my head.

“Let go of me!” I bawl. She needs to stop touching me i hate people touching me. She calls for back up and other nurses rush in. I see the needle in one of their hands. No, no please no. They start trying to restrain me and i hear them calling a code green on the intercom.

“Evalyn you need to calm down, we really don’t want to inject you.” Ms.Mackie tells me in a calm tone.

“Stop touching me.” I whisper. The nurses don’t listen and continue trying to restrain me. I attempt to push them away from me and next thing I know I feel a sharp pain in my neck and go out.

When I wake up I’m on one of those restraint boards. Ms.Mackie sees me awake and comes over to me.

“How are you feeling?” she asks sitting down on a chair in front of me. I stare at her. “If you don’t tell me how you feel then I won’t let you out.” I sigh.

“Tired.” I shrug. She nods.

“Why did you scream and start hitting yourself?” she asks crossing her arms. She knows what she’s doing if I don't tell her she won’t let me up. She’s forcing me to talk since I won’t willingly talk .I close my eyes and inhale.

“I was upset because the only reason Azrael was talking to me was because you guys made him. And normally I wouldn't be that mad but i was actually starting to like him.” I state quietly opening up my eyes again. Ms.Mackies eyes soften and she smiles softly. She gets up and takes off the restraints. I sit up.

“I’m glad you finally said something, Azrael is talking to you out of his own free will all we the staff did was put you in a room together and introduce you two.” Ms.Mackie mentions. I nod my head. I feel like an ass right now.

“what time is it?” I ask looking at her.

“It’s about to be lunch time. Why don't you come out and eat in the common area? You don’t have to talk to anyone just eat.” She offers. I nod my head and follow her into the common room and sit down in my regular chair. This times i have my markers and notebook with me and I start sketching.

“what are you doing?” Azrael asks as he sits next to me. I stare at him contemplating whether or not I should show him. I decide to show him and tilt the book towards him. He looks at the sketch in amazement.

“is this of the quick mart in Dundalk by General John Stricker?” He asks me making eye contact. I look back at him in shock.

“you know it?” I lean towards him in astonishment. He nods.

“Yeah I grew up around there.” What the hell. “Did you grow up around there too?” I nod my head. He nods his head back at me.

The people with the lunch cart walk in and open the trays and call the back row up. I head to the line. Chicken tacos today, not the worst but not the best. I grab a taco with an apple and ice tea. I walk back over to my seat and start eating my food.

“So what happened earlier?” Azrael questions opening his iced tea. I look around the room and I can some people looking at me. I forgot they saw that. I shrug continuing to eat my food. I can still feel his eyes on me but I  try to ignore them.

“Obviously something happened, I’m also assuming that the code green was also called on you too? Does it have something to do with when the nurse called you to talk? Are you okay now?” He interrogates. God damnit why won’t he just leave me alone. I’m about to tell him to mind his own business when I recall what Ms.Mackie had said to me earlier. ‘Azrael is talking to you out of his own free will all we the staff did was put you in a room together and introduce you two.’ I take a deep inhale and put my food on my lap.

“I tell you later.” I sate and go back to eating. He nodded in response and didn’t say anything after that. The rest of the day went by without anything exciting happening. So now I am in my room with Azrael. It’s almost lights out. I look over at Azrael and see him reading a book.

“So um, about earlier.” Azrael sits his book down and sits up listening intently. I sigh mentally preparing myself “The nurse and psychiatrist pulled me to talk about my discharge date and long story short they can’t discharge me because I won’t talk to them and that's why they had me room with you so i figured the only reason you were talking with me was because they told you too so I was mad at them, and somewhat you, but mainly myself for starting to get close to someone.” I realized that I was starting to ramble and that he was still listening to me. “I’m afraid of letting people get close to me because I’m Afraid that they’ll realize they don’t like me that much and will leave and I'll get hurt like every other time and I don't want that to happen anymore. Maybe it's not that I'm afraid of them leaving its more I’m afraid they’ll see me, the real me, the dark, depressed, unhappy version of me. I’m afraid of being vulnerable and being seen. Because then people know things about you and that’s just terrifying to me.” I start to cry. Why am I telling him all of this? He doesn't care. He’s just being nice.

He gets up and comes over to me and then he puts his hand on my shoulder. Not saying anything, not even squeezing it just resting it there. How could he not hate me? How could this guy not hate me? How could he not- How could he not hate me?

I shoot up from my seat on the bed and wrap my arms around him putting my face to his chest crying. He remains quiet, rubbing circles on my back.

“Please say something. Anything at all.” I plead hating the silence. He stops moving his hand.

“I’m not gonna leave. I’m not gonna hate you. I don’t mind you having those parts of yourself, because I have them too. The parts I don’t want others to see, the parts I'm afraid others might experience.” He states this as if he's reading a declaration for something. I sniffle.

“Can I learn more about you?” I question letting go and sitting back down. He sits across from me.

“What do you want to know?” He crosses his legs facing directly at me. I mimic him so now we are in the same position. What do I want to know about him, um.

“Why are you here?” I ask him. He twitches at my question. Sensitive topic alright. He looks at the wall and looks back at me. He gives me a soft smile.

“I would hurt myself whenever I felt I was a bad friend because I always try to keep others happy at the expense of my happiness.” He states. I nod.

“Why would you rather have others happy when you aren’t?” I press.

“So they don’t end up like the girl on the bridge.” he answers. Girl on the bridge? I furrow my brows “ when I was growing up I was walking on a bridge and saw this girl she looked like she was around my age, but the thing is she was on the other side of the bridge, on the ledge. She turned her head to me and I saw this look of despair on her face then it turned to fear. After she saw me she climbed back over the bridge and walked away. I didn’t know what to do so I let her walk away, but ever since then I felt the need to make sure others never felt that way. I was scared that they would feel that the only way to fix things was to do that.” He shifts his legs so they are hanging of the bed. “I hope that girl is still here today and is in a better place.” He looks over at me and smiles.

“How long ago was this?” I question.

“Maybe a couple years ago.”

“What did the girl look like?”

“I didn’t get to have a great look at her face only the expression, but she had this long blonde hair, tan skin, and a slim figure. Why?” he questions in turn with a puzzled look. I swallow hard. There’s no way it can’t be him.

“A few years ago I was going through an especially tough time and I was on the bridge but I was on the other side. The edge. And I looked over and I saw this boy who looked around my age with fluffy white hair. When I looked at him he looked concerned and confused. He reminded me of my little brother with his expression. As soon as I saw him I went to the other side of the bridge and left. Ever since then I was scared to let people in so no one would ever have to look at me like that again.” I grab his face in my hands. “Azrael, that girl you saw was me and the boy I saw was you. We shaped each others fears.” I look into his trying to figure out what he is thinking. He smiles and hugs me.

“I’m glad you’re still alive. Not doing better but alive.” I feel a sense of relief knowing that maybe, just maybe letting Azrael in won’t be so bad.

After that moment we started to become closer. Getting to know each other better and me talking more. The nurses were really happy with my improvement. It was nice to finally have a friend and to finally know what happened to the boy on the bridge. The nurse had called me to talk again.

“Hello, you’ve been doing better these past few weeks and we’re really proud of your improvement. We've decided that it might be time for you to be discharged.” The nurse smiles at me. I smile back. I’m finally getting out of here.

I go back out to the common room and sit next to Azrael. He’s currently writing in his notebook and hasn’t noticed me yet. I clear my throat and he smiles.

“Hey Evalyn.” He says still looking at is notebook.

“How did you know it was me.” I ask

“You’re the only person who sits in that chair and doesn’t say hi first.” I chuckle at that.

“They think it’s time for me to get discharged.” At that he stops writing and looks at me.

“Good, I’m happy for you. Are you excited?” He asks me as he closes his notebook. I take a moment to think about it.

“Yes and no, I’m glad to finally be getting out of here, but I’m also scared to be going back out there.” I tell him, crossing my legs. He nods and we continue talking a little bit. I find out that they were talking about discharging him too, he was going to tell once I got back from talking to them.

“Evalyn, we need to talk to you again.” Ms.Mackie calls me over. “We just got a call that your father was in an accident and didn’t make it so we can’t discharge you yet.” Yes I hate my father but he was the only reason I would be able to get out. They don’t let the kids in foster care out until they get transferred, turn 18, or get adopted. I nod and go sit back down next to Azrael.

“My father died so now I can’t get discharged because I have no where to go.” Azrael looks over at me and hugs me.

“I’m so sorry I know you wanted to leave.” I nod.

A few days passed by, and Azrael left. He said he’s come to terms with how people feel things and it’s not his fault if they hurt and all he can do is comfort them. I’m watching the tv with the rest of the group when The nurse calls my name for discharge. What but I thought I was in foster care now? I get up and follow her.

“I thought I couldn’t get discharged because I’m in foster care?” I ask her as I enter my room.

“you’re getting adopted.” She replies with a smile.

“By who?”

“You’ll find out soon enough.” I finish packing my stuff and say bye to the nurses and other kids. I head out to the door where you enter and leave the facility and once I get out the door I see Azrael and his mom.

“Hey Evalyn.” Azrael says smiling. I run over and hug him.

“I’m happy that you will be my brother.” I turn to his mother. “HI it’s nice to meet you.” I stick my hand out for a hand shake and she embraces me in a hug.

“Thank you so much for doing what you’ve done for my son. He’s also told me your the girl from the bridge.” She says smiling. I nod and hug her back.

We leave the building and I look back at the place that I’ve been at for so long.

May we never meet again. As I turn around and walk to the car I leave my fear of letting people in behind and Azrael leaves his fear of people hurting and not making people happy behind