1.
lying in this sand we are
smudged out cigarettes in ash trays
sunbathing in the heat of Allah's frown
and swatting flies like big gorillas hanging from the Empire State building
with biplanes doing acrobatics around their heads.
barbed wire is twisted into our own personal
crown of thorns and we wear our sin like princes
with dove white hands and wiry limbs
having their heads gently cradled in the lap of
Mother Guillotine.
2.
where was Superman when
my friends were doing springboard dives from the 86th floor
into jacuzzis of asphalt, where taxi cabs and
pedestrians straining their necks to look
as Allah smoked a couple cigars simmered in the heat of
giants doing that flame swallowing act.
don't you think it's strange that the biggest forest fires
take place in deserts, combed by the zen garden rakes
of masked men standing in front of video cameras with
weeping Americans tied to chairs between them?
3.
down this rabbit hole you will find
little white bunnies that lead you down the stovepipe hats
of capitalists instead of Cheshire cats with smiles as big those of
politicians bikini mud wrestling with words.
we let go so easily.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Wow it took me twice reading it to capture the meaning, the first cause i was a bit confused. Through it flowed really well, and yet seems to effortless carry all those political, social, religous themes.
think it might read smoother there
Nice Job
-Flora
Hey, Kylan! (my name changed!
) I find your writing irresistible so I just had to give this one a look.
I
Sometimes you have the weirdest similes possible.
I find the two stanzas totally unrelated. I loved the first stanza. The bolded part made me laugh. I love the feeling that we get. Now lying on the beach will represent King Kong for me.
The second stanza is quite a bit different. I love how all of the bolded words correspond to Jesus. I have nothing to critique? but the stanzas are completely unrelated?
II
*shivers* First off, I loved the first stanza, about suicide. It was so well worded. I loved the 'Superman'. Oh, my lord, I can't rave enough to tell you what you did right. The bolded part was worded perfectly. Oh wow. Amazing, Kylan.
In the second stanza, I don't understand why you said "forest fires'. Because it really has nothing to do with any kind of fire at all. Unless, of course, that's why you inserted the first line of the second stanza. Because it has the word 'flame' in it, which would make sense because it's talking about a forest fire... *blabs on*
III
Erm... odd. Very odd? I... don't know what to make of this one.
OVERALL:
Very, very nicely done. I loved every second of it! I really have no critiques! Fantastic job.
-Jared
Wow. I am absolutely amazed at how powerful your writing is.
The only things I can think of to correct are punctuation. The beginnings of your sentences should be capitalized (I'm not sure if you did this as part of the style though...?) and there are a few places where there should be commas to make it flow better...
ex.
I think the places are pretty obvious... again, I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but I think it reads better with them there.
I love the way you incorporate everyday images, history, religion, and even bits of fiction, without directly saying it, but in a way that makes the piece very real and powerful, as well as creates beautiful images and strong feelings.
Great job on this, I can't wait to read more of your work.