song: Strip My Mind (Red Hot Chilli Peppers)
008. episode
--
figment:
your pearly intangibles
percolating on my breath
& farming my dreams.
the nonsense spooling,
collecting, like condolences.
i am surrounded by strangers.
they huddle, swarm,
faces contrived, veiled,
like beekeepers.
the nicotine is in my thoughts,
stripped asphyxiation.
& they perish –
slow
dropping
bodies.
around me, the room bends, purples,
like a lung. the bed
grows longer. i wonder, wonder.
detached, nomadic as
i swing from
memory to memory. they
brown under my touch.
such delicate flowers.
chatting, friendly,
reaching out, prodding.
i am strung out:
illusive, papery specimen.
the nurses, white &
claustrophobic give me smiles,
they place them in my hand:
pittances, pills.
& the pink sloppy faces emerge.
what are these tears
and cupped sorrows?
they reach out to me,
hived fingertips,
the busyness in their words.
their tongues pollinate,
but watch them hibernate
as the season grows cold.
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Canary word: Present
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140,679 Literary Works • 673,590 Reviews
i loved this piece.
but i love everything you write, so why does that surprise me?
I didn't think it was all to complicated. I honed in on nicotine, asphyxiation, purple lung,
and it summoned in my mind a distant relative, who died from something lung-related after living for many years in a catatonic cocoon, with all sorts of ghastly and painful apparatus attached to her-- wheel chair, iv, oxygen tank.
I don't know if that's the sort of person you're getting at, but that's what it made me think of
This work needs more stars!
Kylan
Really beautiful structure here. I loved that nothing was capitalized - I'm not sure why, but I think it just gave an extra feeling of chaos and confusion. I'm not entirely sure what the subject matter was - is the character in the hospital?
I also loved a lot of your personification, how you took intangible words like condolences and you gave them color and texture and personality.
Great job!
Kylan,
This one was a little too complicated for my taste. I found it extremely hard to link anything together, really. A lot of the stanzas were so different that they didn't make much sense when it was all strung together like this. Now, I'm really trying my hardest to understand what this is going on about, but I can't place it. Even the imagery isn't there for me. I'm not getting the pictures that I did when I read some of your other poems. Mainly because there is too much going on, I can't make out a single picture, a single feeling out of this. Like I said, it's too complicated.
What I'd like to see out of this is an extended metaphor. I love the title of this "The Beekeeper." It's interesting and different, and the entire poem doesn't quite live up to the title. Like I said, an extended metaphor could have worked a lot better. I'm not sure how to explain what I expected from this piece other than it didn't satisfy me. It left me saying, "What?" more than usual. I know that there is a hidden meaning in this, but I don't think it's been hinted enough at.
A [novice] has something to say; a [poet] says it.
Are you a poet yet?
-Jared
This is really brilliant. excellent concept, style, structure.
Good job.
-Tyler