Published December 5, 2009
(AN: I think writing good short poetry is one of the most difficult aspects of writing poetry in general. This is an attempt of mine.)
--
fluting tongue,
crepe wings -- wrinkled, alien fans,
emerging from the pupa, split pod
the agony of stretched, stilted limb,
wet and stained, a lady in the rain.
latched to the branch, a misplaced
earbob. she shivers, shakes the
silty dust of metamorphosis
from the folds and ripples
of flightless wings.
the light reads the wingpatterns
like a palmist.
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Your attempt at a "short poem" is certainly admirable.
I struggle with that kind of poetry because I'm more emotionally-inclined, which gets on one's nerves on occasion.
I am impressed with your poem, to say the least, and envy your ability to a certain extent.
Keep well yeah
Hey there, Kylan,
Things brings to mind modern Japanese poetry -- or reformed haiku as some would put it. On an examined read, it does show a bit, haha, that shorter poetry isn't exactly your forte.
Because you're keeping this short, limit your use of similes; don't try to cram all of the devices that your longer poems revel in into this. Try something a little different, like breaking from your usual mode of poetry and making shorter poems a little more simplistic. Making them more complex could work well, too, if you have the ability to pull it off. I don't think this is actually the best you can do because it seems like a cut out of one of your longer poems.
I like it though, and your closing line is that gentle, calm Kylan-esque finish. Well done with that. I'd definitely like to see you dabble more in short poetry, and do please forgive me if this critique doesn't make sense. 2 AM isn't the best of times...
- June
Well, I owe you one. So I'll review while I'm here.
Wise words my friend. It's very true.
--
Fluking? Do you mean that as in a stroke of luck. Or did you mean flicking?
The second line is lovely.
Now I understand your connection to an emerging insect. But I feel the first line could be phrased differently. It works as it is now, it just doesn't complete my expectation. And the flow is a little bit hacky with the listing of the aspects of the 'insect'
Great. Really well done here. But I believe 'earbob' is two words.
Now this is a great line, but I feel like it should follow through from the above stanza. There isn't as much of a connection between the two. It like listing two related but separate points. Perhaps, attach it and make the entire poem one piece.
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Overall, great poem as usually Kylan. You're poetry always blows me away. It isn't the best I've seen from you, but the imagery you create is fabulous.
One thing, you create incredibly delicate imagery, but then there are lines that just add a weight to it. Like:
It's a lot heavier then the rest of the imagery you use. Find words that are delicate like the lady'bug' you are trying to represent.
So a bit of tweaking and you've really done well with this poem.
Kamas