You treat me like crap –
neck jutting out, jackknifing forward with all the subtly
of a pair of latex hands belonging to a colonoscopy surgeon –
Just shut up and get out –
A face like a tomato, pulsating red and cardinal;
explosive words pressurized under thinning lips
Get out of my way, out of my life –
flak. Discharging threats : man under fire,
man before a firing squad
Cigarette?
Blindfold?
I swear, this is the end –
hands falling to sides like leaves (tissue-paper thin
and jaundiced), clenched fists –
And godssakes, this ain’t no soap opera either –
razor-edged promises –
Out of my car –
anger has diffused through the roof, an equilibrium reached –
Don’t come back –
acrimony osmosis –
Ever.
Under vessels of darkness tossing velvet nets into the city,
fishing for schools of light,
a drama surpassing any stage unfolds in incandescent, violent glory.
and then ends with one standing on a street corner
and one peeling out of the parking lot like a drag racer
with squealing tires and angry crimson tail lights,
burning all of London’s bridges behind it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Kylan,
RATE OF WORD SPEED
I'm sure you know that there is a certain rate at which words are at in a poem depending on syntax and all those good writerly things. The reason I bring this up is because stanzas 1, 2, 4, 5, pretty much read at the same general speed, the flow one word right into the next. Stanza 3 on the other hand is very different, words are faster and the pace is clipped. It almost seems out of place within the rest of the poem. It kind of jarrs into, after being lulled into the more flowy rhythm of stanzas 1 and 2.
FIRST LINE
I have to agree with Sam about that first line. It seems almost out of place. The verbiage not being at the same level as the rest of the poem.
Ta,
Cal.
<deleted in a fit of embarrassment>
Hey, Kylan! I can't claim to be a poet, but I do read a lot of poetry, so I suppose I can tell you what works and what doesn't. I probably shan't be as helpful here as I would be in fiction, but I'll try.
You're a beautiful writer--I think I've told you this a million and a half times, but I can say it again. It's a free country, after all. You're a beautiful writer. The last line was probably my favorite.
The first stanza, however powerful, was somewhere in the hazy netherworld between poetic emotion and straight teenage angst. It's not horrid enough to categorize it as the latter, but it's not justifiable to categorize it as the former. In poetry, unlike in fiction, you must establish your rationality with words and not with characterization or events. Thus, "you treat me like crap" and other such lines leaves the reader slightly defensive--"Oh, Kylan! What ever did I do to you!"
Thus, I'd take those lines out. You're left with that sort of 'B' poem that gets lost within the impact of the former lines--and upon closer inspection, is really quite cool.
Quite cool, I do believe. It's lean, mean, and gets the emotion across without the uneasiness of accusation.
Why? There's a certain "transcendental" quality to poetry that most fiction writers to poets miss. Poetry is all in the interpretation, but if you don't give anything for your readers to interpret, it leaves the readers feeling slightly empty. If you could tell your poetry readers everything, you'd be writing them a story. And that's not what they want.
Poetry is detached. Think of it that way. In fiction, you're often speaking to an audience, but in poetry, you're speaking for them. Give them some lovely words to chew on and call it a day--the summaries aren't needed.
I really liked this stanza, especially the last line. Very poetic.
Well I must say, I love the anger in this poem! But that may just be because I am a generally angry person. I don't know a lot about poetry structure, but I like that this is a little freer than is usually found. I love how the last two stanzas are not in the same format as the rest of the poem (is that wrong for a writer to like bad structure??) but I think it really put the nail in the coffin, to be cliche about it. It was like the first part was venting and the last two stanzas were more observation of the scene that went on and a little bitter realization.
Nicely done! As much as I hate having drama in my life, it does make for good writing material.
This was a great piece. I liked it.
I could not pick out any errors!
good work
Hey Kylan! You requested a crit, and I'll warn you now that poetry critiques are not my forte, but I am trying to learn! So pardon any unhelpful or inane comments. It'd be un-Instructorly of me to turn you away, though.
Something about the amount of hyphens bugs me, but I'm not sure what? Heh. Maybe it's just my inner grammar freak coming out. Silly poetry and silly grammar. =P
I love your word choice, it gives a really good mental picture. Good imagery. I enjoyed it. ^_^
I'm not sure what the meaning of this is, though. I'm sure that particular fault lies with me, but just telling you what's going through my head. Heh.
But, to the inexperienced eye, this was a lovely poem! I really like it. ^_^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate