This was written for NaPoWriMo, and I rather liked it. So I'm posting it here for all the world to see. Tell me how you like it.
***
Creased Japanese cherry blossoms
fall at Saint Peter's feet
like ivory tear drops,
pirouetting from the coarse and wiry hair of an arbor bride
like some disjointed wedding train.
Saint Peter, exhaling these blossoms,
groans as the products of suburban rebellion
grind along his metatarsal bones
with wires bleeding from their ears.
On pockmarked wheels, they
glide through snow drifts of cherry blossoms,
kicking back, flipping up,
arching over well-worn granite stair steps
(a perfect bell-curve of sweat and grunts)
their feet executing a Riverdance in mid-air.
But over-calculated.
To a symphony of guitars and bass and drums that shatter cherry blossoms
(Numbing minds like audio injected Novocaine)
a youthful product of society's iron grasp,
loses his wheels and crumples to the ground
lying there gasping along with the cherry blossoms
which caress his face with
sweet whispers of Saint Peter's disapproval.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,854 Reviews
This is over a year old. Please try not to resurrect old stories/poetry unless the author has asked you to.
-Kylan
*locked*
i do like it a lot - but I think, without being too irritating, that when you are trying desperately to find exactly the right words for an idea (and by the way, when i say 'you' i don't mean you, but everybody!) you end up settling with the most elaborate and obscure words when it is sometimes necessary to sort of go in a mental cirle and get back to where you started
that made no sense whatsoever - but what i'm trying to say is that common everyday words that you think are overused can be wonderful if you use them right - even better than the ones you find in the theasaurus. Ok i'm really sorry for writing that! ( i know i'm annoying)
Bravo! Very grand job on this poem. Greatly written, good flow and well worded.
My favorite line from the poem is:
'glide through snow drifts of cherry blossoms,'
Very good description in your poem. Excellent work!
My main gripe with this is that it is too image dependent. Er, yeah. Maybe I'll give a more thorough crit later... for now, sorry about my briefness XD
~Ed
Wow!!!!!!!!!!!! Great poem! I want to steal this please.
Just kiddin'. 
Wow. The imagery here is stunning. I have to tell you, just this first stanza makes me eternally grateful; your poem's elegance is a breath of fresh air after some of the crap in the forums these days.
This is a little heavy on the descriptors. I'd try to trim it down; the verbs in here are already strong enough to stand on their own without needing adjective-crutches. I'd suggest:
Hm. I don't know that I like the use of the word "Riverdance" here. Technically, it's called "Irish step dancing," which, yes, I realise is not exactly conducive to good poetry. A bit too clunky, da? I'd suggest rewriting that line.
This line isn't quite strong enough to stand on its own.
There's something bothering me about the line breaks in this stanza, but I can't tell you what; also, I'm uncertain about the line in the parentheses. I'm not sure that it adds much that isn't already there.
This ending I do like. It's simple, perfect, subtle. Bravo!
Let me tell you my favorite bit to begin with:
I absolutely love the vivid imagery--the suburban rebellion is a great phrase for the contradiction it seems to imply. Snaking wires bleeding from the bones is also very powerfully put.
The only true critiquish comment I could make is on
I understand the purpose was, in fact, to inject a lengthy but purposeful sentance here--however I think it can be cleaned up by removing the repetition of "cherry blossom" which can become quite redundant.
Overall, a great NaPoWriMo entry. Good job!