Published December 18, 2012
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
Quagga is my new favourite word.
Is there a reason for the ampersands?
You always did like hyphenating when it's not always advised. It's one of my favourite writing quirks of yours.
Agree with Bob on the repeating of "Who..." I noticed it when reading and didn't like it.
The 8th and the 9th couplets are probably the worst. I'd focus your edits on changing them up. The phrasing is too standard and I think the meter is especially lost it the second line of #8.
Very happy to have the privilege of seeing your writing again.
Yes, excellent! What a joy to read something with some real skill and grit, as it were!
My critiquing skills are really rusty, bear with me.
I'm not certain whether you meant the repetition of 'who' that begins many of your statement as a stylistic twist - you may have done, or it may just have been subconscious. Either way, I think it would be great if you were to change it up a little, especially at the end where you begin two sentences with it in quick succession. It might just be my own taste, but I think it would be an improvement if it showed a little more variety.
Apart from that ... The imagery and form are really great, and I can't think of anything off the top of my head. I'll come back when I'm not rushed for time and hopefully give it a more thorough work over, but until then I'd just like to say what a great piece it is well done!
Kylan,
:c
Did you really just make me feel emotional and empathetic towards rocks? :c
That ending really hits hard. There's so much careful crafting in this, I'm like the little girl at the candy store trying to observe and understand it all. From the way you've broken your lines and orchestrated the movement (and timing!) of the piece, to the lack of punctuation providing just the right touch of ambiguity. And quaggas!
I love seeing you posting on this site c: I only hope to read more from you, because I feel really motivated and inspired just by piecing through this.
Face-scrapped though - should it be scraped?
My favorite line <3
~ as always, Audy