Published July 7, 2007
A/N: Old! Turn back!
[spoiler]Jaws of steel:
Serrated teeth, razor sharp and crunching,
Grinding up the earth
As a giant grinds man's bones.
Long handled mouths,
Orifices of black, ever wide and growing
Becoming even larger
The better to eat you with, my dear.
They sit on the hillcrest
With their silver bells and cockle shells
Like little maids all in a row.
Greasy gears:
Clanking bits of iron, diamond hard and crushing
Pounding down the rocks
Into user-friendly boulevards.
Plumes of dense exhaust
Ebony clouds of trouble, ever hot and reeking,
Stale with the screams
Of land once untouched by asphalt.
They sit on the hillcrest
With their silver bells and cockle shells
Like little maids all in a row.
Rumbling tracks:
Notched belts, moving fast and eating
Consuming the vast miles.
As Jack Horner would eat a plum.
Much too quickly
The land can't escape, too slow and rooted,
Cemented where it stands
Not nimble enough to clear the candle.
So They sit on the hillcrest
Gluttonous monsters of man's creation
With jaws of steel and greasy gears and rumbling tracks
Like little maids all in a row.[/spoiler]
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Yes. This is an ancient post. You can stop commenting on it. I'm no longer pursuing this piece.
-Kylan
I like the perspective and the way things are described, cool and creepy at the same time, but other than that I think I will agree with Incandescence that there's really little that brings up any new ideas, or at least expresses the desire for something new.
Also, isn't this a bumped thread?
Kylan,
i think its all right. at some points i lost what you were trying to say but at others, i completely got it. i really cannot say anything because its a lot better then any of my work
ooh, good combination of nursery rhymes and utter destruction. but once, kylan, just once, can't you ditch the negative topics and write happy things?
Kylan,
I left this piece asking myself, "And...?" You have rehashed in boring language the narrative of cybernetic misanthropy, but to what purpose?
Next time, ask yourself, "What new am I trying to say?"
Best,
Brad
Pretty good stuff.
Sorry I don't have a critique.
Nothing really came to mind.