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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
The thing about sonnets is, aside from the 10 syllables per line and the pattern of rhyming, within each line, the meter must be iambic. In other words, there's a pattern of emphasis (like a beat) that the words in each line have to follow, and it goes unstressed-stressed, or da-DUM.
Right now, several of the lines in this do not follow that beat, and it made reading this a bit awkward since the meter was different in some lines than what I was expecting it to be.
If we take the first line of one of Shakespeare's sonnets, you'll be able to see how the pattern of stresses (the meter, or beat) goes. I've bolded the stressed syllables.
As you can see, the pattern of beats is very regular.
One of the challenges of writing a sonnet is following the meter, in addition to the rhyme scheme and syllable count, but if you can pull it off, it's so satisfying.
You have a good start here, but it needs some tweaking before it can truly be called a sonnet.
I really love the flow and beat of this poem
Keep up the good work.