It started when Kuro turned 100 years old. She woke up in her den, excited for the day to come. She turned, and only gasped in horror. Why, the young kitsuné only had one tail! Kitsuné are born with one tail, then every hundred years on the day of their birth, they gain another tail. From that day on, she would have only one tail, for the rest of her life. For this, her tribe exiled her. She retaliated, and begun murdering her tribe. After the fact, a small journal written by Kuro herself was found in the ruins of the tribe. It reads:
"I have just slaughtered them, the filthy idiots. How dare they insult me like that? Ha, well there is not much insulting they can do now...although, some still survived, as they had chased me out...I remember it as clear as day. I was killing with not only my dagger, but also my fire. I had slaughtered most of them, when the sky turned red as the gods painted it with the dead's blood. I stopped, confused for a second, when they got me.They started scratching and bitting and clawing at me, but not for long, as I soon had a chance to escape. They clawed at my feet, chasing me, but as I ran, I looked over my shoulder, and saw the familiar outline of Hikari. I ran over to his limp body, and began sobbing. I took him over to my oak tree, and the tribe left me alone, watching somberly. I placed him by my oak tree, and now I watch close by as he is taken by the gods."
After Hikari was taken, Kuro went on the murder many, not only in Illyth, but on Earth as well. Time in Illyth runs faster than in Earth, so her last slaughter of humans was a hundred years before she would join the humans, though it wasn't as long in Illyth. As she returned to Illyth, she traveled for a while, and when she was in elven territory, she met Faelvirn. They lived together in a secluded cabin on the face of a mountain. Just before she had to join the human world, she conceived a baby girl.
As a kitsuné, Kuro was tall, standing at about 5'8", and had long white hair that reached her ankles. Around her face on the left side was a single braid, and blended in nicely with the other hair. Her skin was pale, and her face was small. Her eyes were grey, like the sky before a light rain. Her tail and ears were the same color as her hair, but has light grey tips.
As a human, she has black hair that reaches her tiny waist. She is 5'4", and is only 15 right now. Her skin is tanned, from her Japanese roots, but still has the face of a westerner. Her large eyes are sky blue, and sit nicely on her small face. Now, onto Kuro's quest to return to her true home!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Greetings from The Swordsman!
As this is a rather short piece I can only gather that there is more to this. I have to say that I don't really understand what is happening here. This chapter reads more like a background summary of a character page. As a suggestion, if you plan on making this into a chapter of a story, there needs to be a little more story in it.
As it stands right now, it seems like a short info dump about a character. To really keep your reader's attention, you should stretch it out in an actual story. You can make it a flashback, but there needs to be more here.
The descriptions are rather bland and don't come about until the ending two paragraphs where they are just sort of thrown in there. I really don't feel any connection to this character. I have that she is upset and a description of her in both of her forms. What is it about this character, Kuro, that you want the reader to take away from this chapter? Is there something new about her that we didn't know in the previous one? Who is Kuro, apart from being an angered Kitsune?
Thank you for sharing this with us, and I hope my review helped.
Happy Writing!
Hey there yizhongt here to leave a review. You have an interesting piece right here. It has great potential, but it is peppered with grammatical errors here and there. For instance:
It started when Kuro turned 100 years old. Se woke up in her den in her tribe, excited.
It should be :
It started when Kuro turned a 100 years old. She woke up in her den. She was excited.
Another one:
From this day on, she would have only one tail, for the rest of her life.
It should be:
From that day on, she would have only one tail, for the rest of her life.
Another one:
I remember it clear as day.
It should be:
I remember it as clear as day.
Another one:
I placed him my oak tree, and now I watch close by as he is taken by the gods."
It should be:
I placed him by my oak tree, and now I watch close by as he is taken by the gods.
Another one:
... but in Earth as well.
It should be:
...but on Earth as well.
What Kuro looks like? Sure. As a kitsuné, she was tall, standing at about 5'8", and had long white hair that reached her ankles. Around her face on the left side was a single braid, and blended in nicely with the other hair. Her skin was pale, and her face was small. Her eyes were grey, like the sky before a light rain. Her tail and ears were the same color as her hair, but has light grey tips.
I felt that the sentence "What does Kuro look like?" to be unnecessary. Perhaps you can start it off with something like this:
Kuro, as a kitsune was tall, standing about...
Anyways, that is all I have to say. I'm not sure whether I have missed out anything along the way. Will return to see the next chapter. I hope I have not been too harsh. If I was, I apologise. Keep writing!
Thanks yizhongt! I'd written this a while ago, and was so eager to post, I forgot to proofread it. I'll fix those things!