A young girl walked home slowly, not paying attention to her surroundings. As always, no one accompanied her. Her house was pretty far away, but she opted out of the bus, as she was absolutely disgusted with humans. Humans?! You ask? Well, you see, she isn't human. Well, she is now, but she knows where she really belongs. Right now, this girl goes by Kuro, but her given name is Avelina. She lives in America, but has Japanese origins, hence the name. As Kuro walked home, a male voice entered her mind. 'Hey, walking home alone again? Isn't your life just miserable. And here I am, enjoying myself at home. How sad!' Scoffing, Kuro stopped, and turned to face an invisible being. "Shut up you damned cat!" She said loudly, but not to loudly as to be heard by others. She looked irritably at the neko, but he didn't move an inch. This particular neko was named Taiki, and the home he is referring to is Illyth, the home of Nekos, Kitsuné, and others of the sort.
I imagine you're wondering what Kuro is exctly. Kuro is the female version of Genkuro, a famous kitsuné. By female version, I mean there is both a male and female version. The male version, going by the same name, Genkuro is the drum player. He uses tsuzumi, his drum to seduce the fortune of rain, and make it rain. The female one, just called Kuro to save the confusion, is the hair cutter, and she loves cutting hair. When she would kill someone, either right before, or right after they die, she cuts off their hair, and burns it with her kitsunébi, or fox fires. This is a sign that you are done for. Only one person had their hair cut off and survived...but we will speak of that later.
You're probably wondering how she gets around without being noticed, considering she is a kitsuné and all. The thing is, she doesn't have to. Every couple hundred years, Kuro and Genkuro switch places, one taking their place where they last were as a kitsuné, and the other being reborn as various creatures on planet Earth. Just to clear things up, I should probably tell you that Illyth isn't a whole other planet, but just another reality. Despite this, the layout of Illyth is far different than Earth's is.
Kuro is about 324 years old, but the Kuro that is now on Earth, has no memories of being a kitsuné, or at least she didn't. She regained her memories when a kitsuné named Misuki came to her, and told her. Ever since, more and more creatures of Illyth have come to see her, and most likely harm her. She was pretty mean and violent in Illyth and Earth for a while. Near the end of her reign, she met an elven man, with whom she would soon fall in love with, named Faelvirn. After meeting him, she changed. Although she was still a kitsuné, she took the name Seraalwyn, and the stories of her terribleness, soon unknowingly became the stories of her unending love. I guess now, I should tell you what caused her reign of terror, and violentess to Illyth and Earth.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well...this was an interesting little start here, its got itself a few issues however, so well lemme get into all that and more down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well...this is certainly a pretty intriguing start here..okay...looks like a bit of not very well blended in exposition there, it seems a tiny bit flat a little forced, but otherwise, well it certainly is a pretty pleasant start. It does let you know what exactly is going on here and that's helpful to the start of a story, not to mention, this is pretty exciting too, it certainly does get your attention, so that's good too
Okay, well we're getting right to this I see...alright hmm, well we're certainly starting with just a straight up explanation of what is going on here and why that thing is going on the way it is, and well, while I personally am not a fan of writing this way, as long as it isn't too boring, I don't mind seeing it in a first chapter. And well, so far, this is pretty interesting and useful as well towards understanding the story itself.
Alright, okay this is going into the reasoning and premise behind this story perhaps here, okay, so far this all seems like information that will be relevant and has not put me to sleep, so I'm okay with this at the moment, and its certainly helping me trying to envision a bit of what's going on...but hmm, let's see, hopefully, the last part doesn't just have the end of this history lesson without a proper ending.
Hmm, well alright that was the full history lesson, but I do like the ending, it certainly does promise more...but uhh...I don't think works as a chapter one, especially with that random paragraph about someone else and with them talking and that just feels like a different story from this explanation down below. I think this whole bottom part might do a great job as a prologue of sorts, but of course, this isn't a terrible first chapter, it does do its job, I just think this would make a better prologue...xD
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this has a lot of really fun elements but I feel like a couple of things need changing before it can truly reach its maximum potential here. At any rate, that's about all I've gotta say on this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello. Happy Review Day!
So right off the bat, the title caught my attention. Why? Because it gets straight to the point when introducing a new character. When I first started reading the beginning, my thought of this being a nice novel almost seemed to grow in interest. A beginning to anything is like a new road in the snow. The tracks help the person walk back to where they might be going or to a new place. The beginning, basically, is like the fundamental start of how the reader will perceive your novel/short story. Another thing I noticed when reading is how there could be backstory to the girl. You cover that in the next paragraph, however beforehand, it could be best to possibly describe the girl. Like, introduce her to the reader with a clear intention.
Even though this is some nice info about the character you have here, I don't think it'll be fundamental towards what this story could possibly hold. Perhaps, as I said before, use this as the beginning. Create a backstory for the character and don't just throw them out into the mud. It'll give a certain sense to the reader when they fully understand the character and who they are.
When writing a thought within somebody's head, don't use bold since that shows it is of importance and from what I understand, the man's voice is only something that is kept deep in her head. Use italics to show a different convo. It'll make it easier for the reader to understand completely about what is going on rather than assuming that the words that are in bold are what the girl is thinking inside of her head.
In the next bit after that, it says that the cat is referring to his home. Soon after that it just gets confusing. I take is that the character (Kuro) is a neko and lives in a house with some other nekos, which is where Taiki is referring to. It just seems to be a little rushed with info. As I stated before, maybe use this when writing your beginning. Also what does the girl look like? Use some description to make an image within in the reader's mind.
The sudden point of view change is rather abrupt, even if it comes from the author. I feel you should slowly move into your opinion (although most novels don't use the author's opinion or state it) and go off of it. Also, I don't think you should accuse the reader of thinking and make them think of something else. Another thing I like to make note of is give a definition of a kitsuné, as some people might not know what that may be (including me).
As this is important info for the author to know, I don't think the reader would like to know about it. Meaning it is needed for this certain part of the novel. The ending of this novel seems a bit confusing. Perhaps add something to even out what is happening. A flashback to how she met the elf (Faelvirn) or clear up the part with how she regained her memories back Mitsuki. Also it seemed to fall a bit quickly, but I'm sure in the next chapter, you'll start off with a bang.
Overall, this was a nice piece that if you put forth the hard work can be turned into something nicer. I'll be on the lookout for the next part of this novel.
Steggy
Hey.
I think this novel has potential, but I agree with otis118 that a prologue may improve this piece.
Rather than telling readers about this, I would recommend writing a prologue using present perspective. I know I would personally feel more understanding and interest to see Kuro when she was mean and violent, to see her fall in love with Faelvirn and change.
There are also parts of this chapter that I would recommend changing to run smoother. For example:
I would change it to something like this:
"Although her house was far away, Kuro opted out of the bus, for she despised humans. She was human in her current form, but she knew where she really belonged."
I think you could also choose to mention why Kuro hates humans.
Lastly, this is just a minor thought on formatting, but where the male voice enters Kuro's mind, I would remove the bold format and just keep the italic.
Hope I could be of some help!
This is an overly all O.K. intro but in my opinion it bounces around to much. Especially in the begging i had trouble knowing what the perspective was. Also, If this is the first chapter i would recommend a prologue explaining just a little more than this. The characters were interesting and i was actually wanting to know the story of the person who got his hair cut and lived.
Keep writing