Published February 22, 2010
Sorry but this Story has been deleted until future notice
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,732 Literary Works • 672,669 Reviews
Hey, I'm Kaedee and I'll be reviewing your work today! OK, let's start. *rubs hands together*
Don't need the apostrophe!Things I Like/Things You Did Well On
-This was fun to read!
-Anybody can understand Anna's situation...most people have been in embarrassing situations like hers.
-You didn't have many grammatical problems, etc. The things I found generally are very minor.
-Hearing about Anna's situation in the beginning totally made me want to read the rest of the chapter!
Things I Don't Like (as much!)/Things You Need to Improve On
-I think you should describe the scene at the beginning more, since it is basically the biggest part of this chapter. How did Anna feel after she wiped out on the ski lift and that guy was watching her? You just describe how she blushes. Same with another part at the end, when she bumps into the same guy again. What thoughts are going through her head? This would add a lot to Anna's voice.
-You don't end the story in a way that reader says, "I wanna find out what happens next!"
-As you go on with the story, you want to show, not tell Anna's personality. I know you didn't do that, but Anna seems to have a bland personality at the moment. I hope you add on more as the story continues!
Nitpicks:
I would re-write this sentence like this: 'I was staring intently at him, his brown hair short, which made him look sophisticated, his blonde highlights shining in the sun.' I don't know...this sentence is a bit long...maybe break this up into two sentences?
Huh? Did she land with her back on the slope? I don't get it. And you might want to think about the last sentence...did her skis pop off? Cuz you can't run easily on skis.
It should be 'log-cabin-like'. You capitalized 'like'.
I think 'ski resort' should also be capitalized.
Technically that is correct, but I think it would sound better to say 'younger brother', since when you say 'little' it automatically makes me think of a very young child. You don't have to change this...it might sound better that way. Just sayin'.
You don't capitalize 'high school', unless it is a specific high school. Cuz that's not the name of her high school, is it?
The 'get in trouble often' part does not match the first half...they have nothing to do with each other! Start a new sentence, or take it out.
Don't capitalize the 'r'.
Don't capitalize the 'f'.
Every time someone new speaks, you start a new paragraph. And capitalize 'ok'.
After 'hand' you need a period mark.
'And then the elevator was at my floor' does not fit in this sentence. Oh by the way, at this part, you had some dialog problems again. Remember, you need to start a new paragraph once a new person/different person speaks!
You don't need to capitalize 'ski' here.
Thanks for posting this! You did a nice job. I hope I helped. Keep up the good work!
~KD
I noticed that you had a capital letter in a few words in the middle of the sentence, and they shouldn't be there. I also think that you can use more details. What's the room like? What does the hotel look like? What does Anna wear? And I think it went a bit fast sometimes, you have to let the moment last as long as possible. Try to use Anna's senses. What does she smell, hear or taste? How does she feel and what does she see? By the way, you should not have quotation marks entirely up to each other.
I think this story was cute, though. You're good, but you can be better, you know? : )
Hey Ktg, Gsp here as requested.
Okay, I'm going to apologize in advance for how harsh I am in my reviews. I'm a natural nitpicker, and even tiny things like commas where there should be semicolons bug me to death.
With that said, on with the review!
Don't capitalize rang. Also, I think this could stand for a little more detail. Maybe try it like this.
*wince* Okay, I don't mean to be rude or harsh or anything, but that part right there was a nightmare.
Problem 1.) Please, PLEASE add in another line when a new person speaks.
Problem 2.) If I were you I would make "ok" into "okay". Okay looks a lot better.
Problem 3.) I don't see the point of the whole phone conversation. If you're not planning on doing the whole thing in detail, I wouldn't do it at all.
Problem 4.) It seems to me that you're swinging between past and present-tense. I would fix that. Example:
But then a little farther on we see:
See the difference? The first part was in past-tense. Just in case you don't know what that is, Things like; "I walked down the road", is past-tense. Things like "I walk down the road", is present-tense.
Problem 5.) This is a big chunk of writing. I'd split it up into smaller paragraphs.
Okay, specific things now.
What I would do here is again, fix the tense-swinging, and put this in more detail. I would write out the scene where she ate lunch and the rest of her familiy decides to go somewhere else. It makes it much easier for the reader to relate/get attached to the character.
Get rid of the "and" here.
One word: Detail.
You need it. A lot of it. The whole point of putting a story in 1st person is to give the reader a more in-depth view of how the main charater thinks and feels about certain situations.
Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. Please use it.
I thought she didn't know what floor she was on? Also, did you mean "her private room number"?
And the last two sentences are repetitive. "right into a muscular person", and "right into the face of the cute skiing guy". I'd change one of those "right into"s to something more unique.
Take out the quotation mark after "Reynolds".
Put a period after "He said".
Also, ff you're going to put "he said" or "she said" at the end of a speech you need to put a comma at the end instead of a period, like this.
Alright, I'm done tearing this to shreds now, and I'm really sorry if I killed you with my harsh-ness and nitpicking.
Happy YWSing!
~Gsp
Ha, nevermind! They went home. Okay, so where did I leave off? Okay, so I finished reading this whole thing. I tried to read it all in one sitting-this was really long- but it didn't work because I kept getting distracted-I blame my dog-. So, from what I've read and skimmed through, you have a bit of a capatilazation problem. Just a minor one, I'm sure they weren't intentionally, just a slip of the finger. Your grammar is good other than that little problem you have. No quotation marks- these: "-, which is confusing. When a new person speaks, remember, new paragraph and quotations. Another thing, if she's seventeen and still in highschool, her little brother wouldn't be going to college. Well, that's all! Bye.
Big kiss, review finially dismissed!
Snufalupaumpkins! x)
*He looked up at me and to my I looked down...* To your what?
*log-cabin-(l)ike*
*snowy capped Mountains ski resort* If Snowy Capped Mountains is the name of the resort all caps on the title.
*me and my little brother* My little brother and I.
*Christmas (v)acation*
*After (m)y*
Oh, I must end this review early! Babysitting to do. I will finish it up later.
Big kiss, review momentarily dismissed!
Snufalupaumpkins! x)