Pitter-patter,
raindrops splatter,
sliding down the window.
She sits there,
staring at the clouds.
She is miserable,
sad as the stormy skies.
He's gone,
they're all gone.
And now she's alone,
alone once more.
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142,214 Literary Works • 676,889 Reviews
This is as simple as it is beautiful. It's short and to the point which means there is no cluttering. The pathetic fallacy is extremely effective in conveying the emotion (and condition of loneliness) as well. The excess of commas bother me but that is just a personal pet peeve. Anyways, I'd say job well done.
Best wishes,
Em
A girl sits at her window, she hasn't smiled in a while. The rain is pounding on the ground outside and she watches as raindrops slide down her window. The drops go so fast, never staying, always going away. Just like her friends, like all the people who cared about her. She looks up at the darkened sky, contemplating her life and how lonely she now is.
Is this what you were hoping I'd imagine about your poem? I think it is and because of that I have no nitpicks. It's such a simple poem with simple words, yet I can understand it fully. You've done a great job and I'm looking forward to reading some more of your writing.