Yes...even a guy like me sometimes feels romantic...or something like that. I don't know what else to call it. Sad thing is, if you did a tally up of the months I've been single compared to how many months i've been in a relationship you'd see that pretty much 99% of my life I've been alone.
And basically, this poem sums up how I feel about women where I'm at right now...
I hope you’ve had fun teasing,
because I just can’t wait anymore.
You see, it’s never been simple
hoping that you’d come around,
instead of baiting me from the start.
I grew tired of this trap a long time ago.
Now I just want you, and nothing else
can suffice. Do you laugh at me now,
knowing that I am weak and helpless?
Would you be able to push on,
seeing me tremble for want of your arms
wrapped around my neck,
and your lips whispering in my ear,
assuring me that you’re here to stay?
I know better than to pray for it.
I have done so too many times,
and thus paid for it with hollow feelings,
followed by angry tears.
How could I have ever dared to hope?
It was stupid of me to think you’d give me a chance
to show you who I really am,
and what you’ve been missing from your life
for all these years.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked this overall, but it could use some cleaning up. The middle was great, the ending was solid, but in the beginning, your rhythm was a little shaky.
Also, there are a couple cliches, like "hollow feelings" and "angry tears". I think you can do better than that if you try. Make the picture of your feelings a little more interesting, like you do throughout the poem.
On a final critique-y note, you way over-use commas. If you would use them that way in prose, then leave it. If not, take it out.
Aside from those things, great job! I especially loved this part: