Published March 18, 2008
Feel the night
As it blazes by
Never speaking a word
And in the moment
You can see
What truly makes you
What you’ve always been
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Simple, short, yet powerful. I think expanding this would be a wise decision but I still like it short like this too.
Sometimes shorter poems can make the biggest impacts!
Hi. Welcome! The flow here is very good. Like the others, I think expansion would be good. I'd also suggest punctuation, but I know that this is sometimes a case of personal preference.
I think that the first three lines are stronger than the rest of the poem I found the rest of it a bit too vague for such a short piece. Maybe try to be more specific. Why can the "you" see themselves more clearly at night? Thinking about this will help you expand the poem, and of course, try not to say it directly.
"Blazes by" is great. It was very fresh, as it's not something which one usually associates with night. Hope this helps!
Jas
It was simple and short, but it was striking. I love the contrast between "night" and "blazing by."
The only improvement is that it could be longer.
I think Rieda is right, it should be longer, it is too short to get your point across. It does not make much sense, more lines, or even stanzas will clear it up a bit. Otherwise it was good. I know I have repeated basically what was said earlier, but more length will help. But goodjob.
Thanks for the critique...but more importantly thanks for reminding me about the rules. Last forum I was in it was completely chaotic and there was very little critiquing of someone's stuff unless you were respected. I'll have to remember to critique more often.
Hello, welcome to YWS!
Firstly, I'd just like to inform you of the rules and guidlines. (at the top of the screen under "About". Please try to keep your post ratio to two reviews for every one post of a literary work, 2:1. Thanks.
Now on to the critique. I noticed that you didn't use any form or punctuation and it would really help if you did so that the rhythm is kept in check. Example:
Feel the night
As it blazes by,
Never speaking a word.
And in the moment,
You can see,
What truly makes you
What you’ve always been.
Other than that, I feel that this should be a bit longer. Mostly in the middle because I like your beginning and your end. It just seems that there was more message that should have gotten through to the reader, but that's just me. My favorite part was the first three lines, they were the most descriptive. Overall a beautiful image though.
PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda