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Young Writers Society



The Question, the Question

by Krupp


Rated R for dark subject matter, and insinuated rape.

Carry me; I want you to carry me on.
Take me higher, make me soar.
There’s nothing here for me anymore.

What has come over me?
Why is this place filled with sharks,
Who now stare at me, their mark.

Are you listening? Have you set me free?
I feel nothing but regret.
There’s not one sinful demand I’ve not met.

I strip down, I lay prone.
They’ll take me, pour out their pain.
Can’t escape this, can’t even hold up against the strain.

All I ever did was not enough.
Not enough to make the nut.
Now I’m in my own prison, bleeding from cuts.

This tale has no meaning.
And neither do we,
So why do You keep me?

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324 Reviews

Points: 15580
Reviews: 324

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Sun Mar 08, 2009 6:05 am
Threnody wrote a review...



This poem had such deep meaning. You wrote it with a lot of feeling. Here's just a few nitpicks.

Carry me; I want you to carry me on.
Take me higher, make me soar.
There’s nothing here for me anymore.

Maybe you could try "There's nothing I'm here for anymore." The forced syllables cramp up that line.
What has come over me?
Why is this place filled with sharks,
Who now stare at me, their mark.

"As" their mark. That word makes the poem flow better.

---

Besides this I thought this poem was beautiful. It flowed with nearly meticulous precision and it's meaning was true and thorough. Good job.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody




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223 Reviews

Points: 1659
Reviews: 223

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Wed Mar 04, 2009 5:57 pm
darko.demark666 wrote a review...



Krupp wrote:Rated R for dark subject matter, and insinuated rape.

Carry me; I want you to carry me on.
Take me higher, make me soar.
There’s nothing here for me anymore. This messes up your rhythm...like something's missing..



What has come over me?
Why is this place filled with sharks, question mark here. sharks is good, but you don't have any other motives of the sea in the poem so try to keep it all with the similar motives.
Who now stare at me, their mark.
 What does that mean?


Are you listening? Have you set me free?
I feel nothing but regret.
There’s not one sinful demand I’ve not met. This is little tongue-twisting...maybe you should put "haven't" here.

I strip down, I lay prone.
They’ll take me, pour out their pain.
Can’t escape this, can’t even hold up against the strain.
 This is too long.

All I ever did was not enough,
not enough to make the nut.
Now I’m in my own prison, bleeding from cuts.

This tale has no meaning without the period here...
And neither do we,
So why do You keep me?


You have a major problem with your concept. It ruins your rhythm completely. The rhyme here wasn't good either (in some stanza you have one, in some you don't and in some it's different from the previous one). I'm not saying this is terrible, but it needs a lot of work...





If you have a Kuzco in your life and they don't turn into a llama, bail.
— Alan SeaWright