...Ye've been warned. This song inspired me to write this tale: http://www.last.fm/music/Omnia/_/Wytches%27+Brew
I find myself in gold, the world lit
by fiery torches leaving the smell of
a strange incense. I see you then,
all wrapped up in that glowing dress,
hair wild, untamed, much like you.
Dancing about in the large room,
you seem to take no notice of the carved busts,
posted on stands all about the room in an artsy manner.
Nor do you seem to notice the mirrors that hang on all four walls,
revealing a dancing beauty in all of her majesty on their surfaces.
It’s a strange sensation, this feeling of warmth,
bubbling up inside of my gut. I can almost hear
the music you dance to; a pounding drum,
the violin and cello being used perfectly.
Suddenly, I see your eyes fixed to me,
May I dance with you, I ask.
Taking your hand, I smile widely,
knowing that nothing separates
our bodies now, and we are truly
one in spirit as we are in God.
So come, lovely lass,
I will not falter, as you will see.
Step into the beat, and we are away,
in a world where we cannot be touched,
and I have you all to myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Overall, I loved this, especially the first and last stanzas. You have some strong images, and it flows well.
However, there were a few awkward spots in the middle.
This line is long and unwieldy. I'd reword it, since breaking it up would disturb the flow.
"Gut" seems like an odd word choice. It makes sense, but it disrupts the flow of the poem and isn't very romantic. Also, you say you can "almost hear" the music, but you're in the same room. Wouldn't you be able to hear the music? Or is it in her head or something? Make this clearer so I can stop wondering and enjoy the poem.
Aside from that, it was wonderful. Great job and keep writing!