Swing down low, darling,
I can’t see you through this crowd.
All sucking each other dry, ravaging,
Weaving back and forth, and I’m blinded.
These lights, staggering me as I shield my eyes,
Searching for you while the pulse thumps continuously.
Filling the void in the atmosphere; no room to breathe.
Crawl low, sweetheart, and I’ll crawl lower,
On hands and knees, to tear through this crowd,
Just so I can hold you once again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hey Krupp! Been a long time since I've reviewed you last.
To be honest, I think this had a wonderful flow to it. It's so short, but you managed to capture the atmosphere of a late night party, and I have to say, you captured it impressively well.
On this line, though, Searching for you while the pulse thumps continuously., I don't think you should have brought us to a full stop with the period there; that's the only part of this that halts the flow slightly. Other than that, I would say it was perfect.
Nice work on this. My apologies for not being able to offer anything constructive.
Keep writing, Krupp. I really enjoy your work.
Juniper
Well flow is one of those things where either you nail it or you don't. Sometimes I just don't nail it. Obviously this is one of those times. Thanks for reading, as it were.
Its flow isn't really well a flow. I like things that you can just read through without having to put a whole lot of though into it. I like how you use the figure of speech in it but try and make it understandable. You are really descriptive so that isn't a problem. I guess with age comes knowledge haha, so you must be really good at this. So maybe it is just me. Thats all I can think of.
....anything specifically needing work?
Well don't get mad or anything
. Haha yeah it was ok, it needs a little work.
He's in a dance club, being smothered by tons of people on the dance floor. The whole crawling on the floor is metaphorical. The title was one of those times where I simply couldn't think of a better way to describe his feelings on the matter.
I really don't get this. Crawling on the floor doesn't help claustrophobia. If you could explain maybe I would get it, but right now I don't.