One may ponder the realization that the "defining" moments in their life are actually just moments. If nothing had become of them they would less be moments of definition, and instead just moments, obscured by the other fourteen hundred and thirty-nine that come before and after it in the span of twenty-four hours.
This is why, upon entering the high school library during lunch break, I had no idea that just sixty seconds could impact my life for the foreseeable future. I was not considering the importance of the moment, rather I was admiring the girl sitting at the computer looking up who-knows-what. I was enticed by her quiet demeanor and how she could look so sad, while also having the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen.
It's not as if I had never met her before. We had mutual friends, we'd seen each other in the hallways. Passing "hello"'s as we walked to the next class of the day. But it's never easy to tell with the shy ones; was she just being polite, or was she interested in me like I was interested in her?
I put on my best impression of a confident walk, step by step bringing me to the then unknown "defining" moment, and took a seat at the computer next to her.
"Hi."
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
hi Felistia here with a review.
This writing is so captivating and draws you in after the first paragraph. I like the descriptions you used for the characters, it is even and doesn't intervene with the story. The emotion in here seems to be the main drive and it works like that.
One problem, the first paragraph doesn't run as smoothly as the rest of the story. I can see why you put it in at the beginning, but the sentence is just to long and would work better as three separate sentences. Other than that I find it interesting and look forward to more of your work. Have nice day/night.
Thanks for your comments! The emotion is what I'm going for, the books that I've always enjoyed reading have been the ones that made me really feel something, and that's the kind of writing I want to work towards.
The first paragraph - I think I may have gone a little overboard with it, as I was going for something "profound", and I'm just not sure if it's what I want. I will definitely separate it up and edit a bit.
This is your true beginning in my opinion. An honest statement that says so much without having to say it. It's very telling.
Versus the "One may ponder," sentiments that were a little forgettable.
I like the idea you have in this sentence. You want to convey that you aren't this confident person, and that makes you seem normal and likable. You could do a little more instead of this line though. Keep the idea but try saying it in a different way.
The line that follows is a throwaway line until you say took a seat at the computer next to her.
You give too much. Your always explaining what the scene signifies when the scene alone should do that. Don't tell me it's the defining moment. I'll decide what it is.
I didn't like your first paragraph because it felt untrue. Like it was trying to hard to be a strong beginning, and it's failing to do that.
Your second paragraph is fine but it isn't a way to start a story.
The third paragraph was great! Minus the last line when you say, "there's only one way to find out."
Overall your character is likable, and the girl seems interesting. It's funny because I've described women the same way. So sad but a very beautiful smile. I like where you are going with this story. Just be mindful of how you challenge the readers intelligence, and saying too much when you don't need to.
You'll be fine. Good work.
Hey, thanks for the input! I was also kind of unimpressed with the "confident walk" sentence, but I couldn't quite think of another way to put it. Do you have any ideas? I looked on google hoping I'd be able to find some inspiration to improve the sentence, to no avail.
I sort of like the "defining moments" theme, as it feels real in a way to me personally, but I can definitely understand how it may be a bit off with the story. My first paragraph may have come on a bit strong - but that partially was my intention. I've always liked stories that began with a paragraph to inspire thought - something "profound", maybe, but that's just a personal preference. I think, though, maybe I was indeed trying a bit too hard to make it my "strong beginning", and I will absolutely try to tone it back a bit when I revise.
Don't look on google. If anything look in a thesaurus. Certain words might inspire you to use them. Or read a complicated book. You're better off doing that than google.
When is the last time you approached a pretty girl? Were you nervous? Use that. Even if you didn't feel all that nervous. If you explain how it was accurately it should be subtle.
As for defining moments theme. There's nothing wrong with that theme. I don't understand why writers feel the need to include their theme for the sake of the reader. You should trust in two things. The readers capacity to understand what is being said, or what is happening. And second the strength of your writing. If you have to write a whole paragraph about it what does that say about the last two things?
Write truthfully and it will be profound, because your subject matter is profound.
Hey, really liked you're work
hey, thanks.